Counseling Problems

[IHateIrma]

Me and my live in partner have had some problems because he thinks I’ve been seeing other men when I didn’t. We are having marrige counseling and he is also seeing a counseler himself. I’m fed up that he comes home from his therapy sessions and tells me how “Irma says”. Irma has said how I need help. The other day I found a note from Irma saying “Does IHateIrma see the good and bad in people? IHateIrma to do one to one with Relate about other men. Is IHateIrmas self esteem or self worth based on her sexuality and sex with other men?”.
I wrote to Irma and asked her not to do counseling thru him cos she is not my counseler. Now my bf is constantly saying that Irma says I need therapy to help me “come to terms” with my issues and that Irma and him know what is really going on in my head.
I complained to Irmas work association. They said I cant make a complaint because Irma is not my counseler. He just got back from his appointment with Irma who is very annoyed with me for making a complaint – now he says that the reason I did this is because Irma sees who I really am and I am scared. I tried talking to him but he says that Irma is right and I have to have therapy now. I just donot know what else to do. Irma says I need therapy which will help me deal with the damage I have done but I never did nothing!
I am so angry at him and this person.

[ummmm]

Why are you putting up with it?

Jealous insecure people rarely change.

[EDDIE51]

I have never heard of just one partner going to counselling on their own.Seems pointless, surely you both need to go or there is no use in it?

[ummmm]

They do Eddie.

[EDDIE51]

What happens at the joint sessions? That is what counts, your OH going to see his own councillor and then using what he/she is alleged to have said as a means to prove his own point is worse than useless.

[IHateIrma]

We are having marrige appointments together. he is seeing a different therepist cos of some other things.

[IHateIrma]

she sends notes!

[murraymints]

is this irma nhs ? or even qualified ? if so I'd be telling Irma to naff off don't even allude to me or I'll 'ave you byway of professional standards !

[IHateIrma]

I done that murraymints. :(

[jackthehat]

I have a friend who is in a very similar situation.
Her husband's counselor seems to do nothing but reinforce his paranoid delusions about her fidelity.

It's extremely unprofessional and further damaging their relationship.

Most of her friends have advised her to leave him and this toxic relationship and I think that's what I'd advise you to do, too.

[murraymints]

then find out which professional body governs her ie BMA then make formal compaint !

[murraymints]

to be honest I am with Jack.....

[ummmm]

I also agree with Jack...

[woofgang]

two words. Leave. Now.

[ummmm]

Leave, now, is not always an option....at least not at short notice.

[murraymints]

dear Irma..I am so p****ed off with your meddlesome and unprofessional input into my relationship...you have been nothing but obstructive and troublesome causing further untold damage by your said unprofessional ill -informed ways..now please be so kind as to butt out..or expect a VERY heavy handed response byway of your appropriate professional body..love and kisses ..etc etc...

should do the trick !! lol

[marval]

Do you have children, if you don't why are you still with him?

You need to do what is right for you. It sounds like he has problems and is blaming you for it all.

It sounds like Irma is believing everything he tells her.

It is time for you to think what you really want. I wish you well what ever you decide to do.

[Old_Geezer]

I hope it proves a storm in a teacup; but the way you and your partner seems unable to agree to be considerate of each other I suspect the relationship is unlikely to improve. If you two can find the time to speak reasonably to each other why not agree to find a counsellor you can both relate to instead of Irma ?

Otherwise I can suggest another option is to stand your ground, tell your partner that it is non-negotiable, that you are both already seeing the marriage counsellor, and he can take his demand that you see his other one and place it elsewhere.

If he does not accept that then I'd suspect you have insufficient common ground to continue.

[Hypognosis]

I am curious as to how patient confidentiality is handled in cases like this.

Other than that I would take anything said to you by this councillor face-to-face as you see fit.
Anything sent to you, by her, on appropriate letterheaded paper as you see fit.
Anything "channelled" to you with only your husband's word for it as potentially made up by him, or twisted to his ends by him. Ask him to ask her to send the advice in writing. This gives the game away that you don't trust his word any more but it is a perfectly civil request and also makes it clear to "Irma" that you find it unacceptable that she uses him as a go-between to save a few quid on admin/postage costs.

Lastly, I don't think I've ever heard of therapy by proxy before. Also, if there is a second therapist, treating you as a pair, what's to stop conflicting diagnosis/therapies being handed out? Does the left hand know what the right hand is doing? (Also why is the NHS forking out for two therapists, where one would do?)

[ummmm]

The NHS hasn't been mentioned by the OP.

[albaqwerty]

have you brought this to the attention of your marriage consellor? I would and use some very strong words about it