My Daughter Is Socially Isolated

[sherrardk]

My eldest daughter, 12 years old, is in her first year at high school (year 7) but is miserable as sin. I knew things weren't great but the full extent has become clearer today. She spends lunchtimes alone and rarely gets spoken to in class. I believe this is because she is very clever and her old friends know that she isn't interested in what she views as childish gossip and the new kids don't know how to interact with her. There is a parents' consultation day next week but she would be mortified (and v upset - it's her default setting when she can't cope with a situation) if I brought it up as she will be present. Has anyone had to deal with a similar situation or have thoughts on how we can deal with this situation?

[bednobs]

i tink you should talk to her teacher behind her back. ust ring the school and get a telephone appt with him/her

[zebo]

I would certainly have wanted a parent to tell me if a member of my class was unhappy for whatever reason, I would then be able to monitor the situation. I would also, hopefully, be aware of the dynamics within the group and be able to give the parent some advice. You could ask the teacher not to say anything to your daughter at the moment but to liaise with you if s/he became aware of any situation. Good luck with it, at least your daughter is talking to you about it.

[zebo]

By the way, if your daughter is with you I'd send her to the loo while you speak to the teacher or ask for another private appointment.

[Old_Geezer]

You could try to convince her that compromise is good and one can tolerate childish gossip for the sake of friendly interaction.

[andy-hughes]

Try explaining to her that girls (and boys!) gossip as a bonding activity.

When the get their close friends, that's when the trivial gossip stops and real relationships form, but the gossip is a group activity that everyone does, while they get the measure of each other in the early stages.

Hopefully your daughter will learn to integrate - but the advice about speaking to a teacher who can keep an eye on her, is excellent I think.

[sherrardk]

I will contact the school tomorrow because I believe they should have something in place to help my daughter out (she is classed as 'gifted and talented' which is covered by special education needs). She knew before she went that old friendships would change but I find the thought of her on her own at lunchtimes so disheartening.

[Samuraisan]

It must be heartbreaking seeing your daughter so sad share ask. Good luck sorting it out. I hope she makes some new friends soon.

[Buenchico]

While I agree with others about discreetly mentioning the problem to your daughter's class teacher, I worry about just how effective any response might be. (During my own teaching days I was sometimes given similar information by parents. I always ended up thinking "Thanks for telling me but I've not really got a clue what to do about it").

How about asking your daughter to invite ONE school friend to join you and her for a day out somewhere. (Yes, I know that you've got other children to consider as well but surely it's not impossible? I've stressed only inviting one friend, so that you can't end up with a situation where two or more friends talk among themselves and ignore your daughter). That could help to re-establish/cement the friendship, which might then be reflected in school.

[Tilly2]

Aside from everyone else's good advice, are there any lunchtime clubs she could join, or after school clubs?

[Islay]

Is there any clubs that she can join where other similar children go? Thinking back to when I was at school it was maths club or chess club etc?

[Islay]

Sorry Tilly you weren’t there when I started typing .

[Tilly2]

Snap, Islay!

[sapelesam]

One suggestion although quite radical. My goddaughters daughter is incredibly talented and was getting bored by lessons aimed at the average pupil. This didn't make her very popular. At age 12, we contacted all the highly rated private schools in the area and enquired about late entry and scholarships. As my goddaughter is a widow, we found her daughter a funded place 12 miles away. She is now doing well and making friends with like minded girls.

[sherrardk]

Hi all - she wouldn't know who to ask for a day out, there are lots of sporty clubs but I'll find out if there are any others (it's not a very big school so options are limited).

[Tilly2]

Is a private school out of the question?

[kvalidir]

Definitely tell the teacher if I were you, they might then be able to pair people off to do tasks together and if they choose well they might find someone who hits it off with her. I don't think she should pretend to be into the childish gossip if she isn't, people have a red flag for insincerity and they will cop onto that really quickly and that will escalate then, besides it's sending out the wrong message that you have to dumb yourself down to herd level in order for your life not to be a misery. Give the teachers the chance to help do something about it in the first instance and go from there if things down improve rapidly.

[sherrardk]

Private school is out of the question :(

[sherrardk]

Kvalidir - I agree, she would sound so insincere that it would probably make things worse.

Chess club has finished, photography club is for year 8 and up :(

[Tilly2]

I thought it might be.

[bednobs]

is she actually upset by this, or is it you that's sad?