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Grief From My Oh
111 Answers
Honest opinions would be appreciated here.
I have had a holiday booked for over a year, going to Kos in September this year with OH and son. We were supposed to go in May but he made me delay it (before the Covid outbreak) until September. It cost £150 to change the dates, on top of the £2,900 for the holiday.
As the time has drawn nearer he has insisted that we postpone until next September as he doesn't want to travel if he has to wear face masks, etc. I on the other hand am comfortable to travel and I don't want to lose my holiday. I suggested I take my mother instead and yesterday I switched it to her name instead of his (and took the little one off the booking too) at a cost of £275. My mother was overjoyed - it's the first time she has felt any sense of happiness since she lost her twin sister in early June. My mother has given me some money towards the holiday. She and I lost our holiday to Famagusta in April following the Covid outbreak.
My husband has given me nothing but grief since and has bombarded me with text messages all day, threatening to give my mother a piece of his mind and threatening me with divorce.
My husband is constantly telling me that any spare money I have should go on things for the house, etc. However, I've found out he's got accounts with thousands of pounds in and he refuses to discuss his finances (I found his building society books in a box in the spare room). Essentially what's mine is "joint" and what's his is his own.
He "actively encouraged" me into working 7 days a week as soon as I returned from maternity leave. He then expected me to put all my overtime into the joint account every week for him to decide how best to spend it. I pay for all the holidays and any extra expenses such as car insurance and new tyres, nights away, etc.
We are going to St Ives in September and have another 2-week holiday booked to Kos for next May (and yes, I'm paying). I even said I would book a holiday in Feb to the Canaries for our son's birthday, so he didn't feel he was losing out. He soon changed his mind on that one when I suggested he pay something towards it for a change!
The bile he has spewed out about my mother has been terribly upsetting. She is grieving so badly right now. In any case I have refused to take the holiday back off my mother as it would be a cruel thing to do. He says in that case we will have to split up and I just shrugged and said "okay".
My question is - am I being unreasonable or is he?
I have had a holiday booked for over a year, going to Kos in September this year with OH and son. We were supposed to go in May but he made me delay it (before the Covid outbreak) until September. It cost £150 to change the dates, on top of the £2,900 for the holiday.
As the time has drawn nearer he has insisted that we postpone until next September as he doesn't want to travel if he has to wear face masks, etc. I on the other hand am comfortable to travel and I don't want to lose my holiday. I suggested I take my mother instead and yesterday I switched it to her name instead of his (and took the little one off the booking too) at a cost of £275. My mother was overjoyed - it's the first time she has felt any sense of happiness since she lost her twin sister in early June. My mother has given me some money towards the holiday. She and I lost our holiday to Famagusta in April following the Covid outbreak.
My husband has given me nothing but grief since and has bombarded me with text messages all day, threatening to give my mother a piece of his mind and threatening me with divorce.
My husband is constantly telling me that any spare money I have should go on things for the house, etc. However, I've found out he's got accounts with thousands of pounds in and he refuses to discuss his finances (I found his building society books in a box in the spare room). Essentially what's mine is "joint" and what's his is his own.
He "actively encouraged" me into working 7 days a week as soon as I returned from maternity leave. He then expected me to put all my overtime into the joint account every week for him to decide how best to spend it. I pay for all the holidays and any extra expenses such as car insurance and new tyres, nights away, etc.
We are going to St Ives in September and have another 2-week holiday booked to Kos for next May (and yes, I'm paying). I even said I would book a holiday in Feb to the Canaries for our son's birthday, so he didn't feel he was losing out. He soon changed his mind on that one when I suggested he pay something towards it for a change!
The bile he has spewed out about my mother has been terribly upsetting. She is grieving so badly right now. In any case I have refused to take the holiday back off my mother as it would be a cruel thing to do. He says in that case we will have to split up and I just shrugged and said "okay".
My question is - am I being unreasonable or is he?
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//Naomi, he told me the other day he would sooner burn this house down than ever let me have a penny from it. //
In that case he won't get a penny from it either. If he has any sense at all he will ensure that a divorce is conducted as amicably as possible. Anything less will cost you both very dearly indeed - and not only in emotional terms.
In that case he won't get a penny from it either. If he has any sense at all he will ensure that a divorce is conducted as amicably as possible. Anything less will cost you both very dearly indeed - and not only in emotional terms.
LCG would you happily leave the marriage? If the answer is 'yes', then there is your answer. It won't be easy as there will be a lot to sort out, but plenty of people do it all the time. As long as little 'un is going to be ok, then that's all that matters really. For what it's worth, I don't like the sound of him, which is a shock as I thought you were happily married. Good luck x
I think all the answers given have been very honest and I hope you don't get any troll answers
When you first came onto the site and said you were so happy with your man and a little baby as well, I also thought to myself by some of the things you said over the years that you were an extra strong lady and I have no doubt you would be equally strong being single. However, good luck whatever you do.
When you first came onto the site and said you were so happy with your man and a little baby as well, I also thought to myself by some of the things you said over the years that you were an extra strong lady and I have no doubt you would be equally strong being single. However, good luck whatever you do.
I have been happily married over the years, ILM, but he is a right bully at times.
We are both strong characters and neither of us like giving in. However, I have never tried to curtail his freedom and I have willingly paid for all the holidays. I didn't even make that much fuss when I found his secret nest egg, but with his behaviour over the last day or so and since I suggested he start throwing a bit of money at these holidays and stop expecting me to pay for everything whilst he squirrels all his spare money away, he's been truly awful.
We are both strong characters and neither of us like giving in. However, I have never tried to curtail his freedom and I have willingly paid for all the holidays. I didn't even make that much fuss when I found his secret nest egg, but with his behaviour over the last day or so and since I suggested he start throwing a bit of money at these holidays and stop expecting me to pay for everything whilst he squirrels all his spare money away, he's been truly awful.
I a!ways handed over all of my wages to my OH through choice, and to demonstrate from day one how much I trusted her, and she trusted me.
What kind of marriage is it that has secrets?
Sounds like some counselling needed at a professional level, but previous posts are probably more expert and informative than mine.
But best wishes, and I hope he comes to his senses.
What kind of marriage is it that has secrets?
Sounds like some counselling needed at a professional level, but previous posts are probably more expert and informative than mine.
But best wishes, and I hope he comes to his senses.
Get your house valued, in my experience any house well sell at the right price and, if you have put £40K into it,it will have more value than when you bought it. Next time your OH suggests he would rather burn down the house than you get a penny, then tell him to go ahead -kill two birds with one stone: He will go to jail for arson and you will get all the Insurance money. If this is too drastic, with maybe a chance or reconciliation, lay down the law about finances -yes its ok for him to have his own savings -both OH and I have private money, but make sure he knows that basic wages go into a joint account to pay Bills and overtime goes in Private (unless you choose to buy something for the home). make it clear that if you go on holiday its either taken out of the joint account or 50/50 out of your private money. He sounds like he has a Narcissistic personality disorder . Frankly I can't believe why you put up with it, its so easy to get out of bad marriage these days especially when you have a good job .
I'm not sure it really matters who is being unreasonable because what it boils down to is your individual perceptions. Trying to apportion blame is never going to result in a happy ending.
Talking to him and listening to him might sort it out - you might also benefit from some Couples Counselling.
Although whether he will actually benefit is a different matter entirely since someone who attempts to get their own way through threats and ultimatums sounds like he would cut off his nose to spite his face.
Talking to him and listening to him might sort it out - you might also benefit from some Couples Counselling.
Although whether he will actually benefit is a different matter entirely since someone who attempts to get their own way through threats and ultimatums sounds like he would cut off his nose to spite his face.
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