Asking On Parent Advice

[boona]

Hello, it’s been a while since I have had to ask for advice on her but I have a predicament and I don’t know how to go about it!

Basically my daughter has been invited to stay at her friends house abroad for half term, another friend is also going, they are due to go in the next few wks and the flights have been paid.

Problem is the friendship between the three girls is not going well, they are leaving my girl out of the friendship group and have replaced her with someone else, leaving her to walk behind them at lunch and rolling their eyes if she sits at their table, she has tried explaining that she feels left out but just got a torrent of sarcastic remarks and that are generally being bullies.

My daughter said she wants to distance herself from them because they are making her miserable so it’s not a great time to be going away with them.

I don’t want to hurt the parents feelings, it was very kind of them to offer her and the girls parents are really nice, I’m not sure if they know what’s going on between the girls or not, I haven’t mentioned it but I’m sure they will have an idea, maybe not?

I just need help on how to explain to the parent that I feel it is best that she doesn’t go but in the nicest way possible without hurting her feelings!

My daughter is worried that its going to make the girls worse if she doesn’t go but at the same time she can’t go when they are like this!

[Hopkirk]

Be very cautious of making what could be considered an accusation about the other girls.

Firstly their parents may react badly.

Secondly you can't be certain that your daughter is telling you the whole story. There could be more to it.

[MissTerious2]

You are so right Hoppy. 2 sides to every story.

[Bobbisox1]

Apart from doing the right thing and telling the other parents she won’t be going , I’d play it down anyway as the chances are by half term ,they’ll be besties all over again

[anneasquith]

Thankfully, most females stop this behaviour as they mature.

[Redhelen72]

Is that 'most' Annea?

[andy-hughes]

Sqad - // Girls by and large are bitches.

Cancel her trip and tell the parents of her "mates" why. //

I have three daughters, and all had their 'moments' in school relationships.

The simple fact is, as their dad, I was not, and am not blind to the more undesirable aspects of their characters.

But that does not mean for one moment that I would accept another parent telling me that my daughter was a ***, or anything similar, and I doubt any parent would.

There is nothing except grief to be gained by being overly honest with the parents of the protagonists, it can set unpleasant ripples in progress which can last long after the girls have either made up, or simply moved on with their lives.

The golden rule is - keep out of the details, say only what is needed to sort out the situation.

[MissTerious2]

Isn't it just simpler all round to just say she's changed her mind and doesn't want to go. No need to say any more, except to thank them.

[andy-hughes]

Hopkirk - // Firstly their parents may react badly. //

I refer you to my last post - there is definitely no 'may' about it!!

[Barmaid]

Do not make accusations about the other girls. Equally, do not say that your daughter does not "want" to go. I would state that she is uncertain about being away from home in a foreign country for quite so long and it's not as if you can just pop down the road and pick her up if she is unhappy. On that basis, as a family, you have decided it is better all round if she does not go.

[MissTerious2]

Andy why can I say in ons shortsentence what you say in a few paras! Only joking don't take offence ;0)

[MissTerious2]

Not sure Barmaid of your idea. We don't know how old the girl is. She might then be open to bullying about being a baby and not wanting to be away from home. Just easier to say she's changed her mind , but thank them and apologise. I might be wrong though. I had a child who happily went off on trips away from home.

[Barmaid]

You are probably right MissT. This whole thing is a minefield.

Trouble is she is expected to go away with a girl with whom there are now difficulties. WHATEVER is said is likely to result in bullying if it is the case that the host's daughter is behaving like this. The other possibility is that boona's daughter simply does not want to go and may be making more of this. Children are difficult. Thank goodness I only have kittens who just wreck the house.

A sit down chat with boona and her girl is in order first. Boona sounds like he/she has a handle on this though and the daughter is a lucky girl to have such a parent.

[MissTerious2]

Yes you are right. They need a good talk. Boona sounds like a very good Mum

More kitty photos please x

[boona]

Thank you so much, lots of good ideas for me to say, I was way over complicating it in my head!

[boona]

Hopkirk you are correct sometimes I don’t get the whole story but on this occasion it’s all on my daughters phone loud and clear in saved messages, I’m not going to mention it to her parents but if it carries on then I will speak to pastoral at school.

[MissTerious2]

Good idea Boona. Having worked in schools I would say you are doing the right thing. You have some evidence for the school and if necessary they can talk to the girls and parents. I have witnessed some real problems outside the school gates where parents get involved. I wish you good luck.