What Should I Choose?

[EmilyAdkins1]

I adopted my daughter on February 8th 2022. She was originally my foster child until I was able to adopt her. She is 15 and her name is Jay. Jay was diagnosed with separation anxiety disorder (SAD) in June 2022. I have not been able to leave Jay anywhere by herself. When I leave her alone, she starts breaking down. The break downs consist of crying, screaming, anxiety attacks, and shaking. I've been able to do everything with Jay without problems. I've homeschooled her and I take her everywhere. Jay is only like this towards me and not her adopted father. Now to the part that is important. I have a family reunion to go to in a few months. This means I have to bring Jay with me but there is a problem. There will be a specific person at that reunion that Jay knows. He was a terrible person to her. I hate to get into detail, but that man is her biological father. He was an abusive father and sexually assaulted Jay. He makes Jay very uncomfortable. I don't want her to sit there in fear. My family takes family reunions very seriously, if I were to not show up because of someone there, half my family would cut me out. I love my family and my daughter. I have to choose between family and the person I care so much about. I don't want to leave her at home to panic and I don't want her to relive trauma, but I don't want to lose my family. What would you all choose?

[elliemay1]

I don't understand how that man will be at the reunion if your family know of his history

[EmilyAdkins1]

He was very close to my family. They loved him so when they found out they didn't care. Somewhat like "He would never do that". They still see him as an angel. My family has never cared for Jay. They didn't like the idea of me "fostering a child that got '(Jay's biological father)' arrested."

[MargoTester]

I wouldn't think about putting her through that. Just explain (if you feel it necessary) to them why you will not be there.

[EmilyAdkins1]

They know about the whole situation. I just hate the thought of being 'forbidden' from seeing my siblings and cousins.

[-SharonA-]

Hate to say it, but your child comes first. Just think of the further damage to will be doing to her. In years to come she may not forgive you.

[FoxLee2]

How long does the reunion last? Can you say that you will be there and then when the date approaches be struck down with a fortuitous diagnosis of covid? Is Jay having counselling or other treatment for SAD?

[Samuraisan]

Don't go. If your family are familiar with Jay's history they will/should understand.

[Zacs-Master]

I’m afraid you made this choice the minute you adopted her. You obviously can’t go.

[EmilyAdkins1]

FoxLee2 - The reunion lasts for a few hours (2 or 3). Faking a disease is an amazing idea. Thank you so much! I think that can be the way I can keep everyone somewhat happy. Jay does not have counselling. She was prescribed a medication but it made her eat less and she didn't seem like herself. She barely spoke so I took her off of it.

[Ken4155]

I honestly cannot fathom why you would even contemplate going, knowing the man who abused your adopted daughter will also be there, most likely having a good time.
Your daughter comes first. Sod those that will cut you out.

[Old_Geezer]

IMO explain the situation and let the idiot half of the family cut you out (as they aren't worth your attention anyway). Meanwhile try to get professional help for your daughter as it seems as if she needs it.

[FoxLee2]

Should have said as everyone else has, that your daughter comes first. Where does Jay's birth mother feature?

[calmck]

You definately should not take Jay. However a child that has been abused needs counselling. Does Jay have a designated social worker or guardian ad litum? Maybe that person could arrange a meeting with your family and explain the harm that having Jay in contact with her abuser would do to her mental health and well-being

[EmilyAdkins1]

FoxLee2 - Her biological mother is no longer around. She gave Jay's biological dad custody and we have not seen her since.

[EmilyAdkins1]

calmck - She has refused counseling. I have asked to take her to a therapist or counselor, and she does not want to. I don't want to force her to do anything she is not comfortable with. She hates talking about it and bringing it up and I hate to admit it but so do I. My family does not care about Jay. They see Jay as a 'temptation' that 'seduced' him and made him sin. That is just the reality of some situations.

[Ringlet]

You committed yourself to your daughter when you adopted her, and you have a duty to ensure that she is not harmed or hurt.
Your family chose to disbelieve the accounts of the abuse that she suffered, and to continue to accept their abuser into their midst. The family are now expecting you to subject your daughter to psychological trauma of being in his presence.
By doing so, you would be sending the message to your daughter that her experience, her fear and her trauma are less important than staying on the right side of your family by being friendly with her abuser.
So your choice is - will you put your daughter first, or will you put her abuser first?
It's your decision.