Why Would She Lie To Me?

[renegadefm]

Not sure if anyone can help as it's a delicate subject, and ideally I was hoping to see how a woman would respond, but here goes. 

Back in 1987 my girlfriend at the time cheated on me with one of my mates.

I didn't find this out until after she broke up with me. Her reasons for breaking up with me was she reckoned we were too young to get too serious. 

Admittedly we were only 18 at the time, but in hindsight obviously she had other reasons, and one was she was sleeping with my mate before we broke up, so affectively she was sleeping with both me and my mate.

The plot thickens, now because by Christmas that year another friend of mine said did I know my ex is actually pregnant, and had been for a few months, to which I dated back to when we were still together. 

Of course by now alarm bells are ringing in my ears, could the baby be mine, so I agonised about what to do, baring in mind I had not spoken or seen my ex since we broke up. 

Weeks of agony went by then I thought I will pay my ex a visit, so I did. We started chatting quite good, once we got past how the weather was and small talk, I politely asked could the baby be mine, and she quickly and rather bluntly said no, not a chance. 

To which I asked when is the baby due, she said early April, then doing the maths in my head, it took me back to when she was sleeping with both of us, baring in mind I didn't know that she was seeing both of us then. 

By now I could see she was getting a bit anxious and irritated I was even there, so I finished my coffee and wished her all the best and left. 

All these years have gone by and it's always been nagging me could the baby had been mine. 

Of course the baby is now a 35 year old man. 

Lots of years have past now, and I haven't seen my ex since that day when I asked her could the baby be mine. 

Then recently I came across my ex's Facebook profile, mainly because she's mutual friends with one of friends.

I started browsing her pics, and too my horror I seen her son, both as a new born baby and how he looks as an adult. And my God he looks like me. 

He certainly doesn't look like my then mate, so it looks more like he's my son. But how can I prove it as by now we have all moved on, I have my own family and so does she. 

But it goes back to my original question why did she try to keep all this from me, and say the child wasn't mine, why would a woman do that? 

[LadyCG]

//The person in question is now a grown man - in his 30s. //

If you read my post again you will see that I am well-aware of that fact.

And where did I mention parental rights? 

 

[renegadefm]

LadyCG, 

Yes my current partner of 10 years, who we have an 8 year old daughter together knows everything, I even showed her the pics of my potential son, and she just blurted out OMG he's yours. 

I find it strange how most of the responces from men so far have all said I have no rights to knowing if I am the biological father, yet you say I do have those rights. 

So mixed opinions there I guess. I wouldn't dig around and do anything as too many years have passed, my potential son probably has his own family by now at 35, imagine the shock waves it would bring about. 

My current partner, is very understanding and said do what I want. She's not surprised if he doesn't knock on my door one day. 

But I think if I was going to dig it would have been over 30 years ago, 35 to be exact, but I just took her word that her sons father was my then mates. 

What struck me just now is what Togo said in his comments, he said her deception could be dangerous because if my potential biological sons children actually did have relationships with any of my children it would be disaster. Highly unlikely but not impossible. 

Perhaps that's why she moved to the next county, but I'm not sure where her son lives, it could be in the same village as me for all I know. 

 

[LadyCG]

The child (now adult) has the right to know who his real father is and should never have been deceived. My mother hid my father's identity from me for years (I actually knew all along but needed to hear it from her). Everytime I asked she would tell me that he wasn't worth knowing about.  Well that should have been my decision and not hers. I will never forgive her as long as I live.

Don't let anyone tell you that you have no right to know.  You do, and so does your son if he really is your son.

[renegadefm]

It's worth my whole pointing out that I was actually adopted at birth, so although I have wonderful adoptive parents, I haven't a clue who my biological Mum and Dad are. 

I was born in April 1969, when if you had a child out of wedlock your parents made you give up your baby for adoption. 

So based on that it will help anyone reading this how my own situation can really resinate with me and be more painful. 

 

It's like history repeating itself, I don't know my own biological parents, yet I have a potential son that doesn't even know me or if I exist. 

 

So you can see why all this affects me all the more. 

The ironic thing is the guy she wanted everyone to think was her sons father done a runner, and didn't want to be a father yet. 

Then there's me who would have rallied around and done all I could to be there, I was told I wasn't the father. 

But then seeing pics of my potential son is now telling me a different story. 

 

Not so easy to shrug off to be honest. 

 

But trust me I wouldn't try and find him now, it just wouldn't do any good. 

 

I just got to live with it. 

[renegadefm]

Sorry meant worth my while

[andy-hughes]

It I'd a hard situation, but you have to accept what is, and not waste time wondering what might, or might not have been, there lies madness. 

Things might have been different, but they are as they are.

I hope you find peace and don't hurt yourself with this any more.

[renegadefm]

LadyCG. 

Thanks, and I agree he has a right and I have or had a right to both know I'm his potential father, but some of the responces made me aware it would do more damage than good, as it's 30 years too late now. 

We didn't have the internet in those days, facebook wasn't invented until 2004, but it's only recently I seen photos of my potential son. 

 

It's scary how much he's like me, I was crying when I saw them. 

[LadyCG]

If searching for the truth led to any fallout, the damage won't actually have been done by you, but by the person whose deception kept you apart all these years.

You have a right to know and so does he.

[renegadefm]

Andy-Hughes, 

Thanks mate, it is hard, I kinda knew in my bones something was a miss and he was my biological son, but at that young age as we both were we were so nieve. So I guess she was doing what she felt best. 

 

But it's difficult to shrug off, I do think about it very often, and how life could have been so different, but obviously my ex for reasons I don't know didn't want me in her life at all, we went back to being total strangers, and she moved to a different county, 200 miles away. 

I shed a tear very often, in fact I am now 😢

[naomi24]

LCG, you said the OP would have every 'right' to get to know him.  He's an adult.  There are no 'rights'.  

[LadyCG]

The OP is an adult as well and he has every right to seek the truth. There is no law stopping him.

[naomi24]

That hasn't  been suggested.

[Barsel]

I have to say, I agree with LadyCG on this. 

If you don't find out for sure if this is your son, I feel it will haunt you for the rest of your life, and I do believe the young man in question does have a right to know who his biological father is if he wants to know.

If your wife is on board with this, do you think she might help you to find out if it is your son? I've no idea how this is done, but I'm sure it could be done discretely and I'm sure the young man will be asked if he wishes to know who his biological father is.

The thing is, none of us know what the young man knows and it's possible he wants to know the truth. My advice would be to make some enquiries into this and if it turns out he is definitely not your son, at least you would have tried.

[renegadefm]

LadyCG, 

The thing is, not sure if you read my original start of this story, but way back when she was roughly 5 months pregnant, I had to pluck up enormous courage to track down where she was living, which for the record was a cold damp caravan, well static home I think they call them, and I was appalled by the situation she was in, she obviously moved out from her parents house, reasons I don't know why, probably fell out due to her pregnancy.

 

So I was nervous as hell as I felt like a mad stalker. You have to bare in mind she didn't want me in her life anymore as she knew I was devestated when she called it off, I cried for days, so going to meet her was probably the most nervous thing I had to do at that age.

 

So I knocked on the door, no answer at first, then I spoke into the letter box, and the door opened, I remember it like yesterday, she obviously recognised my voice and let me in. 

 

We sat which felt like forever drinking coffee, and not getting past small talk for ages, like we never knew each other. 

Then I suddenly blurted out, is the baby mine? And she bluntly replied no, sorry it's your mates. I said how can you be sure, she just replied I just know.

 

But even a nieve 18 year old something didn't feel right. But I felt if I push it anymore I am going to be thrown out on my ear, and she won't speak to me again, so I told her if there's anything I can do let me know, but she said no there's nothing, very bluntly. I finished my coffee and left on relatively good terms. 

 

But as you can imagine for 35 years the curiosity has been eating me away. 

 

The fact she would rather let people think, her family and friends I mean think the babys father was the guy that done a runner. 

You have to bare in mind her close friends were some of mine too, so most of them knew she was with me, then slept with my mate.

But she would rather let them think her baby was the result of the bad guy. 

 

So basically if I try and contact her now, or my potential son, won't it stir up no end of trouble?

I'm assuming he's got his own family too now, won't that cause shock waves there too. 

Like the long lost Father suddenly appears?

 

I'm not so guilty about what my ex thinks now compared to when I last met her in 1987, I had to give her the benefit of the doubt then. 

I'm more concerned about how it would affect my potential son and his family. 

 

[Barsel]

renegade, we posted at the same time, so I hope you can still see my answer to you.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

The thing is how can you do something like this discreetly?

It would require blood tests to make 100% certain, so that would require me tracking him down.

Put it this way, yes of course I want to know for sure, but the adult part of me is saying it's not all about me, that was pointed out from several responces earlier. 

Obviously I am torn, but I need to man up and let it go. Difficult to do after 35 years of curiosity. 

Even more difficult now I have seen his photos, and my partner seen his photos, she sort of confirmed he looks like my double. 

[Barsel]

The fact you are asking on here and the things you have said, prove you are having difficulty letting this go.

I'm sure it can be done discretely and it would only come to the stage of checking DNA if the lad is up to it.

If you don't know what the first port of call would be, try the Citizens Advice. 

In relation to other things you have said about the lad now having a family and being settled etc, you don't know that for sure. For all you know, he might want to know who his biological father is, but he will be asked that, it won't be forced on him.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Thanks, but I'm not sure where I would make enquiries or where to start. 

I don't communicate with my ex anymore, last time we chatted was 1987.

And I have no clue where my potential son lives. 

How would I get the ball rolling descretley? 

[Barsel]

Oh dear, we seem to have crossed posts again.

I don't know who your first point of contact would be, but try the citizens advice first as I'm sure they can point you in the right direction.

 

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

Yes it bothers me deeply, has done for 35 years now. 

Thats why I came on here. 

But originally I wanted a womans reaction to the fact why would a young woman of 18 go to great lengths of keeping it from me I could be the father of her child. 

I wouldn't have known she was pregnant if it wasn't for a friend telling me. 

Lots of responces have suggested its because she wanted a clean break from me, but I've never known why, we were so happy together one minute, the next she said we are too young to get too serious, so she dumped me. 

I sat in my car and balled my eyes out, I loved her so much.