Advice on matters of the heart please!

[zomers]

I really enjoy the single life (no promises, no commitment), however, an ex of mine recently got back in touch and we've been seeing each other fairly casually but it now feels like it's getting a bit more serious.
First time round we were together (on/off) for about nine months and it didn't end well, I hurt him quite a lot. Circumstances are probably too long and complicated to go into here, but essentially I was getting a lot of outside pressure to 'grow up and settle down', both from him and various friends, which put me right off the idea.

The more I see of him now the more I realise what a great guy he is, and I'm so lucky to have been given a second chance. It's been a long time since I've been in a serious relationship, and if I'm honest it's terrifying to think I'm on my way to that now, and I really don't want to get my usual attack of nerves and end up running away.

So two questions really:
1. Can you ever go back (successfully)?
2. How do I ensure that I don't stuff it up this time?

[dancealot13]

Settling down is not for everyone. Don't force yourself -ya know? I would'nt analyze it too much, take it one day at a time, and if it comes down to you really needing to make a decision to be with him and settle down or to move on,.. then deal with it then.

I definetly believe you can go back successfully, as long as you have good communication and the strong building blocks ..you'll be fine.

Zomers- You can't be sure that you won't stuff it up this time. We can't be sure of anything in this world,..but we can try. You can try to live this type of life in a monotonouse relationship, and if it's not right for you..then you'll know eventually. When we plan things out, I think we are more likely to be disappointed.

I worry about things like this too. Im 24 and am totally head over heels in love with my boyfriend of 5 years...,but am I ready to start a life with him, and kids? I just don't know? How do we know for sure about anything?...Well we just can't. Life is about taking risks, and living outside of your comfort zone.

[LazyGun]

Personally, I think it almost never works, going back. It obviously depends on the reasons why the relationship ended the first time around, but essentially, I think there is always too much emotional "baggage" interfering with any new relationship.

The only way a long term relationship will really work is if both people want it.... and from the tone of your post, I dont think you are really in the right frame of mind for that just at the moment, so carry on with what you are doing right now would be my advice :)

[stylinsam]

as they say a leopard never changes its spots

[WoWo]

Id agree that going back out with somebody for a second time almost always ends up going down the same road as the first. This of course depends on the cirumstances of the original break up but when I have done it the same things that were a problem the first time are still there.

[jno]

you may have to sit down and think - both of you - about what went wrong the first time, and try to learn from that, and be prepared to change and to compromise. Sounds as if you are doing this already. Yes, it's possible to do it again and do it better. As dancealot says, you can never be truly certain about anything - so go for it.

[zomers]

A big thanks to everyone above for the advice. I must admit I went home from work after posting this and thought 'aaargh, what have I done, asking for advice on a website?' but when you're to close to a problem it's hard to see it objectively, which you all have done. That's also whyI haven't talked to any of my friends about it.

dancealot13 makes a lot of sense, think I'm going to try and relax about it, not put any presure on myself and see how it develops naturally.

[Cockney_si]

Have fun with your ex, life's too short to be bogged down by worry....

Does he know how much you've been appreciating his company? Has you or him mentioned anything about what went wrong the first time round...maybe you could somehow mention to him (tactfully) about what went wrong the first time round and that now you're both(hopefully) more mature you can deal with anything that did happen in an adult way.

Be open and honest and enjoy yourself....Not many people get second chances so just go with the flow.