Finding time for stay-at-home mums

[Proactivity]

We have a 4.5 month old girl that demands a lot of attention. Through-out the pregnancy and after the birth, midwives and health visitors stressed the importance of putting her down somewhere safe and getting things done if need be, but my girlfriend can't do it. She puts baby Amy first above everything, but this sometimes includes clean clothes and personal hygiene. I leave at 8am and come home 11 hours later, but she says she doesn't have a spare 10 mins during that time. The moment Amy whimpers she gets picked up, which is all the time. When she sleeps, it's usually in my girlfriend's arms, who doesn't want to risk putting her down in case she wakes up.

How do other people cope with demanding babies? Do you have any tips for getting time while stuck at home with a baby and nobody around to come and help out? What the general view on leaving babies to cry for a bit, and does this really help them learn to settle themselves like the health professionals say?

Thanks!

[hol5]

hi!! As a mum of three, i have a fair bit of experience, but it does sound as though your girlfriend needs help. mentally, she's maybe having a heard time adjusting to becoming a mum, no one can ever imagine the change it makes, especially 1st time round.

Does she ever get a chance to leave the baby? maybe with you for a while whilst she gets to the shops or hairdressers? Could she be lacking confidence??

As for the baby, i have done housework many a time with the baby asleep in a front carrier, its essential to get the baby to hear noises such as the vacume. It will benefit the baby in the long run to be able to settle whilst normal life is going on around them.

As for the crying, many argue about this, but i have left my children to cry even when young, as long as you know their are in no need of something ie milk, nappy change etc. Again it teaches that, although the most precious thing in the world they are, sometimes, we all have to wait. Not everything is immediate.

Good luck! and things will change givven time.....

[noxlumos]

Hello,We have a large family aged 6 weeks to 21 years, and the way forward with getting things done is to get a baby sling and whatever you do carry on as normal as much as possible.The baby will be close to you so won't grizzle the place down and make your partner feel torn (if she's breast feeding in particularly her hormones will DEMAND she pays attention if your baby cries, my wife's certainly do) you can cook,clean, hoover,do the laundry,mow the grass,pretty much anything with a baby sling and no crying and you feel free because you can get on with things.I'm not personally gone on letting babies cry to "settle themselves",what they actually do is cry themselves to sleep which really distresses us and I but allowing babies to cry for a while really won't hurt them,(while you have a bath etc).You do need to get your little one used to going to other people too though in case you ever have to leave her with anyone unexpectedly, so enrol mother's,friends,brother's,sisters to have her for the evening/afternoon and take your partner out at least once a week,if only shopping or for a walk as ladies do need a release from constant caring for their baby,as some women's maternal instinct,like my wife's,over run absolutely anything else and eventually they can get exhausted and over whelmed which can lead to depression.Do as much as you can when you are there to give her rest.Babies are demanding and ideas of an immaculate house,tea on the table when you come in and a wife that looks like a Beauty Queen all the time are unrealistic,especially for the first 6- 12 months.She'll need help and lots of it, because it's exhausting for women in a very long term way sometimes.Your other question about sterilising.We steam sterilise but as long as you keep a clean house the odd brick they suck shouldn't do much harm and as you say their immune system is building all the time,but keep sterilising the bottles etc.Good luck and get a baby sling.

[kazzianne]

Hi - I have had 4 kids,and though the first one was very daunting,as long as the washing was done,meal ready in eve etc I didnt panic too much about the dusting and things like that for the first few weeks.I did as much as I could when the baby was asleep.I think if she is holding the baby all the time,even when asleep then that could cause problems.Babies need time on their own in the cot,to learn to feel that its ok when they are left.I always left mine cry for a bit,but not to the point where they became hysterical.I used to put mine in the pram sometimes indoor and wheel it into the kitchen so they could see me washing up etc with out me holding them all the time.

[Proactivity]

All good advice! Yeah, she could do with some help. She very rarely gets the chance to leave the baby, mainly because baby screams her little head off until mum comes back. We live 12 miles from her mum's, 25 miles from mine, and she can't drive, so any time out of the house tends to be with me and baby in tow. I try to get them out of the house as much as possible, but you're a bit limited in what you can do with a baby with you. I think her confidence is ok; she's just bored and stressed out (a familiar feeling to many, I'm sure). Maybe once she's crawling, the mobility will solve the need for being carried.

The sling idea is great, and we have one of the Premaxx ones tat goes across the body. The problem there is that I'm 6'6", and baby is the length of a baby twice her age. When she's in the sling she's practically wrapped around my girlfriend's body, or squished into a ball. May have to invest in the chest / back mounted ones, even if they're not good for growing hips.

I'm trying to make sure she gets more cot-time, and encouraging my girlfriend to do the same, but she doesn't stay settled for long (the record's 30 mins so far, with an average of 2-10). If starts making noises, I've got about 30 secs before my girlfriend rushes to pick her up, giving me dirty looks for not reacting immediately. Just trying to do the right thing for the long-term...