Problems at home...want to move out.

[nicnic]

Please don't laugh at me when first of all I say I'm 25 and live with my parents, or at the moment, my mum. My father is currently receiving palliative care in a nursing home for a terminal brain tumour.

Lately things have been absolutely awful at home, not just because of the stress of my dad having cancer though. My Mum and I don't seem to get on at all, what she says to me is simply a string of commands, rather than talking to me. I am in tears every day because of this. What I really want to do is move out, get my own place as I don't want things to get any worse. However, would you think it is cruel of me to move out? (maybe about 5 miles away) when my father is so near to death. She'll need my support but this is having an adverse affect on my emotions. Anyone got any advice?

[DotH]

Accept that tour mum is now putting her and your dad first and be there for her and him, you will have time later to be on your own and wish you weren't

[Dollie]

Poor you nicnic - I feel so sad for you. I've worked in palliative care, and still work with terminal illness, and feel that your mum will be behaving the way she is because she is traumatised by the situation she now finds herself with regard to your dads impending death. She will always remember this time and so will you, and you may just regret moving out at such a poignant time in both your lives. I would urge you to rethink it at the moment and make allowances for your mum at this time. Try telling her how you feel and remind her that you are grieving too. A good heart to heart may prove a turning point for both of you. Mum and dad need you now more than ever chick, so think twice before making any rash moves. Also from your point of view, your emotions are all over the place at the moment, it may seem like a good idea now, but your own room may feel very lonely when you are going through such trauma and are at arms length from your mum. All the love and luck in the world chick. Doll xx

[PinkFlower]

DotH is right, perhaps leave it a while or don't move to far away only a few streets away because i think at this sort of time your family needs to be together. but you can only do what is best for you and wha you feel is right.

[mental annie]

Dollie sounds like a lovely person who I feel is saying all the right things to you, I have to agree with all she said as its what I would have said too. Please do have that heart to heart with your mum, i'm sure the relationship will come good. Dear nicnic i wish you all the best in the world, look after yourself, love anne xx

[nicnic]

Thanks so much for your answers. Dollie especially. I agree, that right at this moment it isn't the right time to move out. I guess I just needed an acknowledgement that what I was feeling was valid and not wrong and nasty. Although my Mum and I have never seen eye to eye, even before dad was ill, right now she needs me. Although I worry about what happens after, I'll just have to deal with the situation for now. A couple of friends have offered their house as a place to escape to for a cup of tea or just a break away for an hour or two, which is probably a better solution in the short term. Thanks again. xxx

[Kay]

I agree with the others nicnic. This is terrible time for both you and your Mum but I would say you really need each other right now. Have that talk with your Mum to clear the air for both your sakes and your Dads. Be there for each other. Best wishes. Kay.

[WendyS]

This is a terrible time for both you and your mother, as well as your father , and the stress is undoubtedly affecting you all and increasing the tension between you and your mother. I suspect your mum is probably operating on "auto pilot" simply to get through each day and undoubtedly she is already rehearsing in her head the final death scene with your dad, and worrying about the unbearably agonies of all the funeral arrangements she will have to make. I know you must be suffering too, but at the moment the worst burdens are on her, seeing over 25 years of marriage drawing to an end. Try and be patient and imagine how that must feel for her. Also, you will not want your dad's dying days to be distressed by seeing you abandon your mother.
Take advantage of the brief respites offered by your friends. You may well find that the truma of your father's eventual death and your mutual grief may bring you and your mother closer. Then it will be time for her to start rebuilding her life, and you will be able to do the same.

[Amara]

Hi nicnic - I am so sorry to hear about your dad, my husband lost his dad to a brain tumour when he was your age, and it does put a terrible strain on the family. Your mum will need you soon, and you her, so try to hang on in there. Accept your friend's offers of a sanctuary if you feel things getting too much, and try to get out and walk in nature if you can, you will be amazed how this can rejuventate you too. Use this important time to let your dad know just how much he is loved and valued by you and reassure him that you will support your mum when the time comes. Call in the angels to help all of you through this difficult time, they can really help you all now. And if you get offered counselling please consider it as a step to helping you come to terms with your grief. Sending you much love - Amara xx