coping with the past

[brionyw]

Hi
My boyfriend is great in so many ways (rubbish with the housework though) but he has a very dodgy past which he insisted on telling me. Once I started to hear bits I needed to know more and now I am having trouble coping with it. He showed me texts from an ex-girlfriend who are obviously more sexual than me and I know he's done pretty much everything before! Whenever I suggest something he's always done it before and I feel second best. I have a problem accepting it on a daily basis and feel sick sometimes when I think about the past. I do love him but I don't know how to cope with this. His latest thing is refusing to stop looking at porn despite the fact that I am not happy about him looking at it when we have sex a lot less than I would like! Any suggestions?

[PinkFizz]

Hi Brionyw.When I met my partner he told me loads of stuff on our first night together.I didn't really think of it at the time as I had no idea if we would stay together,but as the months went on and I knew we were a permanent couple I often thought "God,I wish he hadn't told me those things" as they kept popping into my head.So I simply said to him one day verylightheartedly that I didnt really want to hear anything of a sexual nature regarding ex's as it was the past,and he has never said a thing since.

As for your problem - why does he still have txts from an ex,and why on earth would he show you them|??

[brionyw]

He keeps all of his texts and I have no idea why he showed it to me. We were sitting in the kitchen and he was deleting stuff on his phone and he just said - this is old and showed me a text from his ex saying 'I can't wait to suck on your massive ****' now, I'm no prude but that is NOT something I want to have in my head. Maybe it's because he has been in relationships where others have been involved that he thought it was acceptable but it made me feel so small

[crete]

how long have you been with your partner ?

[spk]

Hi Briony, like pinkfizz I would tell him you feel uncomfortable with him talking about it, after all it is his past and was nothing to do with you. Try not to let it get you down, hes not with his ex for a reason but I would have a chat with him about it x

[Quizmonkey]

The porn issue is a red herring - forget about it. The vast majority of blokes like porn and will look at it whether they're in a relationship or not (fact even if slightly generalised!). It has no bearing on his opinion of or feelings for you.

[teag1rl]

Good grief, when you said he had a dodgy past I was expecting stories of a criminal nature. So he's got up to some stuff, there's plenty of skeletons in my cupboard, difference is I dont feel the need to share that info with new boyfriend, if they ask, I'm honest but they dont need it in their face. I think he's been showing off to you, sounds pretty immature to me. As the others have said, have a chat to him, let him know that you dont want to hear anout what he got up to with other girls. It's not very nice for him to have all these texts on his phone, but I wouldnt suggest he deletes them-that might set him off, I know I woudnt like it if asked. Crete asks a good Q-how long have you been with him? If its a long term thing I would think he should be deleting them without you having to ask. But this is just my opinion-it's not necessarily right!
Dont think about the past, what's done is done, concentrate on you too. Dont be a prude about the porn, join in, but if you dont feel comfortable with that, just accept that he is a man and therefore will watch porn. Its the law. I would suggest if his pprn viewing is interfering so much that you're not getting enough actual sex then it is a problem and he should take a look at himself. Good luck

[brionyw]

Hi
thanks for all your answers. I've been with him for 6 months and it it definately the best relationship on all other levels that I've had. I would join in with the porn except that he tries really hard to hide it and won't let me look at it! I look at porn myself but I don't look at it then fall asleep and deny my partner sex! I will sit down and talk to him - guess I wanted some reassurance that I wasn't stupid not wanting to know about his past
x

[PinkFizz]

I think its pretty childish of him to show you those txts - how would he feel if you sholed him messages from an old flame of yours to him? What did he expect you to say when you saw them?

[PinkFizz]

* showed lol

[Champagne]

Hi brionyw. He does need to sort out his sexual drive towards you. He obviously enjoys sex, but he's being lazy by using porn instead of spending quality time on the both of you. There was definitely no need for him to show you that text and I think you need to cut off all those details about his past now, before it eats away at you. Concentrate on what YOU want sexually from him and focus on that. Just remember that you are sexy in your own right and it doesn't matter that you don't send those kind of texts. If you know what you want in the bedroom then you can have him eating out of your hand.

Buy yourself some female-orientated books. I've read things like 'The Best of Women's Erotica' and 'The Book of Orgasms'. Reading that kind of material is fun and builds your confidence in yourself.

Porn can be fun too, but the girls in those videos are usually very 'plastic' looking and doesn't do much for us girls' egos!! So you have to look beyond all of that nonsense and believe in yourself.

You can smoulder if you want to. Let him know just how lucky he is to have you. Be sexy and strong and demanding.

GO GIRLFRIEND!! :oD

[PinkFizz]

< writes down titles of books and sneaks back out>

[Hellion]

Hi Briony, you have a man who likes to look at porn, but not look at it with you, doesn't have as much sex with you as you would like and shows you suggestive texts from ex girlfriends, this sounds like the behaviour of a 16 year old boy who's not really sure about what he's doing, all bluster and no action! It seems to me as if HE feels rather inadequate about his own sexual abilities with you.

[PinkFizz]

Well said Hellion!! How old is this guy anyway??

[brionyw]

He's 26 and has been in relationships almost consistently since he was 14.
Thanks for the book tips champagne!

[glammapus]

I'm not saying two wrongs ever make a right BUT...........he obviously doesn't know how you feel so maybe try putting him in your shoes briefly.

Ask him if he'd be so understanding if you were to tell him what you and your ex's got up to. (Obviously don't go into detail because this will only cause forever tit for tat and jealousy)

Don't let this get you down though, my partner has had quite an experienced past sex life but i don't let it come between us. You have to realise that he is with you and only you because he wants to be and he loves you.

[PinkFizz]

I always found that guys who bragged about their past experiences often hadnt done half of what they reckoned they had!

[Hellion]

Hi Pink How's tricks!

Briony it's a misconception that just because he's twenty six and had lots of relationships it means he knows what he's doing. I have found most men have very little knowledge of basic biology (and frequently a very poor sense of direction lol!) and can all be improved.

Take him in hand ('scuse the pun!!) and take the lead, teach him exactly what he needs to do. Think of him as a 16 year old virgin!

[PinkFizz]

Im good thanks Hellion.!

Without being crude,I knew this guy once who had apparently quite a reputation as being very experienced,if you know what I mean.Well,to put it bluntly,we ended up in bed one day and it was a combination of being slobbered all over by a labrador, followed by a pneumatic drill!! Horrendous!!

[Goodsoulette]

How long has he kept those texts? If its been a long time ask him to remove them. There is no need to feel second best, just because he has done something before, the first time you do something doesnt make it the best time or the most memorable. Take the reigns and get what you want from him.

As for the porn, thats never gonna stop. I dont think guys think of porn as sex. It seems to be 2 different things. You have to try not see the porn as a substitute for you, they are different things.

[Hellion]

mmm I think I may have been out with him too Pink LOL!