Unreliable boyfriend

[vmoore]

Have been seeing my boyfriend for a year, we live together now.
He doesn't treat me particularly well, and I can't bring myself to do anything about it.
Evidence:
Messages found on his phone from other women
Arrives home late from work on several occasions without any explanation.
Comes home from nights out stiking of perfume.
Phone calls late at night when we are out from women, and he can't explain to me who they are.
Most recently, we were going to a wedding (one of his friends), and an hour and a half before we were due to leave, he changes his mind and goes out with his mates to a party. Leaving me at home with nothing to do.
He won't accept my telephone calls or answer my texts when he is out, but if I do the same to him, gets angry and makes my life miserable. I know I am weak. Why can't I bring myself to finish the relationship??

[alijangra]

I really feel for you, but I think you know what you have to do. You have no trust, which is evident by you going through his text messages. End the relationship, you are wasting your life being stuck in this situation. He shows you no respect, how could he possibly love you? I have been in a very similar situation, thankfully it was my place so I threw him out but I know I still would have ended it if I had to find somewhere else to go. Set the ball rolling as soon as possible by looking into somewhere to go.

[4getmenot]

Because its what you�re used to its routine. I was the same as you and was treated like crap, he didn�t cheat on me but his mates always came first and he didn�t ever let me know in time what he was doing so I could still go out. I would always invite him places but he didn�t invite me out, we didn�t live together so it got seeing him just couple times a week. So I guess it was easier for me to tell him where to go. It was hard because that�s all I knew and I�m a fighter and wanted him. But I realised there was no future in us and although hard to do I did it and a month later I�m with someone that loves me very much and treats me like a princess. Is it making it harder that you live together, would it be an easy situation to get out of?

[vmoore]

Thank you both for your answers. I know that I need to be strong and end the relationship for the sake of my own sanity. It is so difficult when he tells me he loves me, and I tend to fall for it every time. He knows which buttons to push. I was so angry when he let me down on Saturday night and spent the whole evening, feeling so many negative emotions. I am a 40 year old woman, with my own property and a good job, yet I can't sort this side of my life out, and I feel as though I am letting myself down.

[4getmenot]

do you have children with him? He needs to know he cant do what he likes, maybe you can give him a taste of his own medicine, I dont mean cheat but just show him how you feel. But personnaly I'd say get rid, I know its hard espacially with him saying he loves you, but if he did he wouldnt be doing it.

[4getmenot]

and you may think you wont be able to have a life without him but it seems like you are already, you sound like you deserve more to me.

[vmoore]

4getmenot, thank you again for your response. No, we don't have any children together, but he lives with me (paying very little rent). My friends have asked me time and time again what he brings to our relationship, and to be honest I can never find any answers. I still don't feel strong enough to do anything about it. When it is just me and him, he makes me feel so special, but I know deep down that I am not the most important thing is his life and never will be.

[4getmenot]

But somebody else could make you feel special that wont do all the other things

[lilacben]

vmoore I really think you know what to do but need at bit of a push. When I first read your letter I thought I was reading about someone in there teens or early twenties. But then when you said youwas 40 I was really surprised.Get rid of this man he is living in your house and getting away with anything he wants.Make the decision and stick to it. You must consider yourself and although you may not like the idea of not having anyone around for a while it is a lot better than you have now.You are young enough to meet someone else who will be there for you.Pack his bags and show him the door, don't forget to get his keys back.!! Good luck and let us know how you get on. Brenda

[JanineG]

oooh - I really feel for you - Its a tough decision and not a nice one to make, but the fact that you've posted this question tells me that you'lve had enough. Sounds as though he's getting it all for nothing - low rent, gets to come and go as he pleases, and if you raise a concern he tells you he loves you and all is sweet again. On the other hand -you have the house, you call the shots and its time you laid down the rules.

If you don't want to end it, then don't - but lay down some ground rules, tell him how you've been feeling and that you cannot and will not put up with it any more. If he truly loves you, and you both think you can work on it - then things can work out for the best.

Good luck

[jno]

vmoore, I think you know the answer but can't quite put it into action. Try thinking of the really nice guys you're missing out on - the ones who'll say they love you AND pay the rent AND even hoover the house occasionally, plus they don't play around. There are quite a few out there, and you're hiding from all of them. Is it maybe because deep down you don't quite believe you deserve someone nice? I suspect your self-esteem needs a little buffing up.

[vmoore]

Thank you all for your answers and your honesty. I know what I need to do, now I just need to give myself that push and do it. When I think about it I don't know why I can't do it but when it comes to the crunch, I back down and start to think that it will be ok and he will change. He has had enough chances, and you are right I do deserve better. Hope I can go through with this because if I don't I will be posting again in a few weeks going over old ground and you lot will be completely fed up with me!!! xx

[jkkerr]

Hey v

Do you have an active social life of your own? If not, it might benefit you greatly to spend some time with other people, just being yourself instead of worrying about your boyfriend....there's no reason to ignore his calls or texts when you're out, if you're bright and breezy and having a good time but still being nice to him, he will not only see that you can have fun without him and are a fun, sociable person that others want to spend time with, but perhaps he will recognise that you are both enititled to a life of your own.

There's so much to say but I don't have the brain power this morning to write it! Basically I think you should try to concentrate on yourself and what you want out of life, get out and have fun and you will appreciate yourself more. Then whatever happens, or whatever decision you make, you will feel confident about it.

Best of luck

[carmelbaby]

Maybe because of Love him and you just don't wont to end the relationship you have with him... I know how you feel. I been with my boyfriend for 2 months and he treats me bad but i just leave him i Love him But he nevers says that to me.. To his friends im just a girl..

[vmoore]

jkker, I do have a very active social life of my own, but when hes out I he still makes me feel insecure, and I can't get him out of my head. He usually finds me at the end of the night, but if I were to do that to him he would go mad. I know its a few days down the line, and I still haven't plucked up the courage to do anything about it. Weak or what? Maybe one day????? Thank you all for your sound, solid advice x