He isnt your dad!

[Goodsoulette]

Anyone had to tell a child that someone isnt their father, when they have spent some time believing this?

How did you go about it?

Is 5 too young to broach the subject?

[Buenchico]

To a 5-year-old, 'Dad' is the man who lives in the same house as 'Mum' and himself/herself. It's the person who loves them, plays with them, gives them toys, tells them bedtime stories and tells them off when they're naughty. A 5-year-old has no concept of biological parenthood. Telling a 5-year-old that the man they call 'Dad', isn't really 'Dad' would be as meaningless to them as saying that the family's cat isn't really a cat. The only response that a 5-year-old can reasonably give to either suggestion is 'Don't be silly!'

You could sit a 5-year-old down and try to explain how to solve quadratic equations. It would be utterly meaningless to the child and totally pointless. There's no point in doing this until a child is old enough to understand about equations. Equally, it's completely pointless trying to explain that 'Dad' isn't really 'Dad' until the child has at least got a vague understanding of the concept of biological parenthood. That doesn't mean that a child needs to understand about the act of procreation; simply that they need to understand that a child is born as the result of a 'pairing' of two grown-ups.

When a child is old enough to grasp the general concept, the idea that they might have had a different 'Dad' can be mentioned. e.g. "Mummy had another boyfriend before she knew Daddy. He was her boyfriend when you were born. Some people might say that he was your real Daddy but we know better, don't we?" (i.e. casually mention that someone else could claim to be the child's real 'Dad' but don't make a big deal out of it and don't undermine the child's faith in the person they know as 'Dad'). Later on, when the child has a better understanding of relationships, a more detailed explanation will be appropriate.

Chris

[Goodsoulette]

Thanks Chris, he is quite an empathic child, he does understand relationships and he does understand about procreation, as I started explaining things to him when his younger brother was born.

The thing I don't want is for him to think I lied to him. In retrospect I wish that Jay had called his dad by his name and then made the choice to call him his dad.

[joannie10]

all that Chris has made sense but I think your worry is at what age will they have a better concept. I dont have any personal experience but one friend found out her Dad was not her 'real' dad at 14 and another at 17 when needed birth certificate for passport. They were both really hurt by the fact this had been hidden from them. Perhaps 5 is too young but these days children are very aware of what is going on in many things - alot more knowledgable and involved for example than I was. I would suggest perhaps by next year it could be getting discussed/mentioned to ther child, not that they might understand it completely but eventually they will when they are ready and at least no-one can be accused of hiding anything from them. As I say the friends were no way upset about the 'biological situation' more that it had been kept from them.

[Bohne]

His dad will always be his dad.
He might not be his (biological) father, but that (to me) is a totally different story.

I have not been faced with this problem, but I know a friend never told her son until he was in his teens, while she never knew that her dad was not her biological father until she was over 30.
Not saying that's the way to go about it, but she herself said, she was glad she did not know it in her wild teens, since it would just given her more ammunition, during her rebellious phase.

The best statement that I heard in this context once was:
If you are not a biological child, that means you are chosen!
And that makes the chosen person/child real special, doesn't it?

[wigglebum]

I was told when I was 25 by another person not in my family unit that my dad wasn't my dad and when I confronted my parents one say one thing and the other said something completely different. To this day I don't know if the man that I call dad is biologically mine but I don't care coz he's my dad!

It's better that he understands from an early age and it will hurt a great deal if you leave it till he's older. Your child may be bright enough to understand it and if he is make him aware that he's not his real daddy but someone who loves him and wants him to know that he's his dad nonetheless.

xx

[Goodsoulette]

Thanks guys, I have just spoken to a friend and she says that the family liason officer at the school would help with these things. I am gonna nip up there early today and have words her, see if she knows the right way to do it.

[tradey]

hello goodsoulette,well this is a hard one and my god do i know,me and my hubby have been together for 20yrs when i meet him i had a son of 2,i split with the shall i say sperm dad coz thats all hes been, when he was 1 and a half,he has never had any contact with him from the day i told him enough was enough,never paid for anything never seen him,i was 16 when i had my son,well anyway my son found out a few months ago by some one that his dad wasnt his dad,luckly hes not interested in the other family and has told the sperm one hes not bothered, his dad is his dad, his family is his family, we were all very close before this cam out but its brought us all so much closer,well anyway all i can say is when is the right time to tell a child,im the same as everyone else,a dad is the one thats been there through the good and the bad times and my god weve had a few of them,were glad its out in the open now and so glad our son isnt bothered.i think 5 is abit young though but like i said when is he right time and the right place,good luck xx

[Kassee]

No five is not too young. Children should always know the truth, in simple non-complicated terms. The earlier the better, then it will not be a surprise, or a shock, it will be something he has always known. He might not be able to understand it completely till he gets older, so explain in a way he can understand. Possible "when you were a little baby you had another daddy, your birth daddy, but he couldn't stay and look after you. But it doesnt matter because I look after you and love you, so you're lucky cos you've got two daddies. Maybe one day you will meet your other daddy, but I'll always be here. If you tell him in a matter of fact way, he will accept it. From time to time tell him again so he doesnt forget. There will be lots of children at school in the same position as him , its not uncommon.

[Julie76]

My son was about the same age when we HAD to tell him my husband (Ted) wasn't his dad.
I had been with Ted since James was 18months old, his real dad was violent and after a bad incident where the police and court were involved, he was out of our lives for good.
When we got married Ted took my surname so that we all had the same name and James didn,t have to change his as he had only just started school.
Ted wanted to adopt him and the Law says that the child must be told.
Ted had 2 children from his first marriage, we told James that he was special because Ted wanted to be his Dad.

James did find it hard to understand at first. We told our family and school, he talked to family members about it and they were able to help him.

He is now 10 and has started asking more questions, we are truthful and try to tell him about the things we feel he is able to understand. (age considered)

I feel that we told him at the right age, (though at the time i didn't) if we had left it until now, I think we would have had problems. He is a happy bright child doing very well at school, I couldn't imagine trying to tell him at this age and how it would have effected him.

Tell your child as soon as possaible and just let them deal with it, let them bring the subject up and be honest. You will see that it is right in a few years.

Good Luck & God bless x

[Solarjunkie]

Judging by the people I know who do not live with their birth parents, the ones who have known as long as they can remember are the ones who deal with it most easily.
I would suggest initiating discussions as to the definition of "family" with the ideal answer being "people who care about you". Also occasional casual mention of the fact that "you were already born when daddy met you" but in a very matter of fact way, much the same as you might mention you used to take the bus to school or you lived in a third floor flat as a child - no big deal, just the way it was.
There is a big difference between "daddy" and "father".
The loving man in the home is Daddy, and that is the most important thing of all.

[jasaimo]

my oldest son is not the biological son of my current partner, although he still sees his real dad he`s always called my partner daddy(as weve been together since he was one, hes now 6), the way i explained it was to tell him that he was very special because hes got 2 daddys. i think he to young to understand the ins and outs yet but he thinks its great with 2 dads. hope this helps