Realistic Access

[Elsie13]

My ex partner left me when i was 3 months pregnant. The baby had been planned but he left me anyway. there has been no contact whatsoever regarding the baby, the only contact being via solicitors regarding money. My daughter is now 2 and a half years old and suddenly he has contacted requesting regular contact. I met a wonderful man during my pregnancy who has raised my daughter as his own and also is a wondeful dad to my eldest daughter too (different father). I am desperate for my ex partner not to cause disruption within my family and whilst i am agreeable to his meeting his daughter etc as I feel so blessed to have met my current partner that i am terrified it may cause problems. I do not want to rush into a regular arrangement due to his unreliability. can anyone suggest what would be a reasonable amount of time/ regularity etc for my ex to see her - i most definately want to be present and cannot see him having access without me for some considerable length of time. Any comments??

[yummymum]

he should come round once a week to see your daughter to get to know her, she needs to be in a place where she feels safe and relaxed and both your ex and current partner need to get to know each other after a few of months of doing this and maybe a few trips out together you could maybe move on to letting him spend one morning a week with her maybe taking her to the park and taking her and bringing her back at a set time. I think you should do what ever feels right by you and what your partner is happy with, if he is not happy with it then tell him he will have to take legal action in which case he will probably get no more that supervised visits once a week, explaIn to him that he needs to get to know your daughter and due to the circumstances he will only beable to do that if he sticks to whatever you come up with. good luck xx

[lady_p_gold]

Well there are a few thngs to think about here. Was he up until that time a reasonable man and just suddenly upped and went as if he could not cope with pregnancy etc. Not that it excuses his behaviour in any way just wondering what sort of man he was before then. What I am getting at is have you any reason to suspect he will cause disruption other than the fact that your partner may not like your ex looming. The fact is, that he is the father and I think you will have to go along with it, for her sake as well, just in case he really has grown up and had a change of heart and wants a genuine relationship with her, which could in turn enrich her life and who knows, give you a break in the future from time to time. If he is a complete monster then obviously you can make it difficult for him, but I think he needs to be able to have a chance, although I can understand your concerns. Its hard to see how to start it though if you want to be present, either that means you have to be on your own with him and her, or your partner will be there too, all of which could be a bit tense! Maybe you could have a long chat with him first and explain it just like you have here, after all, if he genuinely has her interests at heart he will go along with whatever you suggest hopefully. Just an afterthough, has he got a new woman in his life ? Maybe that has precipitated the renewed interest.

[annierak]

i would ask why he wants to see her now after all of this time and then if i was happy with his answers, i would let him see her once and see the reaction. he might find it too much to carry on seeing her again and if he is unreliable, then put a time limit on this.

but most of all.... keep an unbiased diary. note comments and times arranged and times when he turns up late or doesnt even turn up at all.

your daughters interests are the primary thing here. she is old enough to know about disruption and if it harms her, then dont let him in...

[Elsie13]

Thanks for all of your advice. I have thought long and hard about it and have decided that this is not the right time for his introduction into my daughters life. I have worked hard to provide a home and stability for my children after he left us high and dry. I had to spend a long time going through court to get my money out of the house we shared as he would not give it to me and through all of this chaos my partner supported me and helped through my pregnancy and birth. My ex is an arrogant and difficult man and I cannot forget the hurtful things he said about me and my then unborn baby even though it was a planned pregnancy. Our relationship ended on his deciding it should and he was already seeing an ex of him to whom he had a daughter as a result of a one night stand. He eventually moved in with her and their daughter. I cannot risk the family unit i have created for my children so that he can just turn up one day and have the access he wants. Any involvement with him will be difficult and I have no doubts he will create a problem for me. Perhaps when she is older things can be different. thankyou for all of your views.

[Reverandfunk]

I would just give him the minimum access and make him work to get it. He sounds like the type of bloke that will soon give up and you don't need him in your daughters life.

[xhxmxsx]

give him once a week, over your house for 2hours say and build it up from there, it's easier to give him a little access than going to the courts, because at the end of the day the courts will grant him access unless he has been violent towards your daughter and i think the reason of you have met someone and it's all cushty will just spur your x on. although he has been a pr*t your daughter has a right to a relationship with her father