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feuding boyfriend and son!!! help!
13 Answers
Help its doing my head in.
I have 3 children all boys my eldest being 11.
My son and boyfriend constantly argue. My son has become quite arrogant at times, like if he is asked to do something, he is becoming a typical kevin and perry. He is a good child deep down always good in school and doesnt go out in gangs or anything he is very much a stay a home kid, as i dont let him roam the streets as i dont think at 11 kids shoud be anyway.
Anyway, my boyfriend gets aggrevated by my son and its got to the point whereby the only time he talks to him is to tell him off or shout or swear at him and ive had enough of it.
My son is now rebelling against him and its causnig war zones at home. I dont let my son speak to people like sh1t as he has started to and i punish him for this and his attitude but my boyfriend seems to think i let him do it especially to him and he says this is why he shouts at him.
Now my BF says he washes his hands of my son so i said to him he is dealing with it in the wrong way especially by swearing at him, he now says he is leaving with his son who actually calls me mummy who is 2.
I feel i should just let him go and be done with it.
Can anyone tell me if i am tactaling this wrongly???
I have 3 children all boys my eldest being 11.
My son and boyfriend constantly argue. My son has become quite arrogant at times, like if he is asked to do something, he is becoming a typical kevin and perry. He is a good child deep down always good in school and doesnt go out in gangs or anything he is very much a stay a home kid, as i dont let him roam the streets as i dont think at 11 kids shoud be anyway.
Anyway, my boyfriend gets aggrevated by my son and its got to the point whereby the only time he talks to him is to tell him off or shout or swear at him and ive had enough of it.
My son is now rebelling against him and its causnig war zones at home. I dont let my son speak to people like sh1t as he has started to and i punish him for this and his attitude but my boyfriend seems to think i let him do it especially to him and he says this is why he shouts at him.
Now my BF says he washes his hands of my son so i said to him he is dealing with it in the wrong way especially by swearing at him, he now says he is leaving with his son who actually calls me mummy who is 2.
I feel i should just let him go and be done with it.
Can anyone tell me if i am tactaling this wrongly???
Answers
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Your child should come before any boyfriend regardless of the situation. It sounds to me like your 11 year old feels pushed out by the boyfriend and is showing his displeasure by acting badly towards him. The fact your boyfriend has said he has washed his hands of your son makes him sound selfish and immature...I would kick him out pronto!!! Your son will probably start getting back to his old self very quickly without the stress at home.
I think it sounds like your son feels that you are picking your boyfriend over him and that is why he is acting up.
There is no excuse for an adult to be swearing at a child and I'm not surprised your son is behaving in that way if that's what he is being shown by one of the biggest male influences in his life. it's not right that your boyfriend is behaving in this way by "Washing his hands" of the situation, you have to work at things, and dragging a two year through it too.
Have you thought about trying family counselling?
There is no excuse for an adult to be swearing at a child and I'm not surprised your son is behaving in that way if that's what he is being shown by one of the biggest male influences in his life. it's not right that your boyfriend is behaving in this way by "Washing his hands" of the situation, you have to work at things, and dragging a two year through it too.
Have you thought about trying family counselling?
You're son is reaching the age when children do begin rebelling and often develop 'bad' attitudes, this is completely normal and as long as he is not becoming a social deviant (it doesn't sound like he is) is just an unforunate part of growng up. If your boyfriend can't accept him despite this then you are right to let him leave. I know that you have to consider your own happiness aswell as your childs, that sometimes children do have strained relations with new partners however hard the partner tries, but by the sound of your post you feel your boyfriend is being quite unfair. You are quite right not to allow your son to talk to people like sh!t, and in return your son has the right not to be spoken to like sh!t in his own home. In my view picking fights and swearing at an 11 year old is not on. It would be different if your partner wanted to be a part of your sons life, was like a father to him and took the good with the bad, then he would be within his rights to discipline your son, but by taking the immature approach of washing his hands of him he is proving that he has no intention of forming a bond with your son, or of being a responsible adult in your company. These actions can only make your son feel uncomfortable in his own home so I say get rid. If you want to continue a relationship with him fair enough but I wouldn't let him live with you for now.
I am with daffy on this one, while I don't have children myself this is my take on it.
You seem to be bringing your children up as a responsible and caring parent should, your eldest child is coming to that 'Kevin' age and it is only to be expected that there will be certain adolescent changes in his behaviour, however your boyfirend swearing at him is setting a bad example and shows a level of ignorance and lack of understanding of your sons and your situation.
From what you have said your son sounds like a typical adolescent and it is your boyfriend who is failing to deal or adjust to the situation and by stating he is leaving with his 2 year old child would imply (to me) that he is making no effort to understand or compromise and shows little compassion on how this would affect his own child (is he using this threat as some sort of blackmail/bargaining tool).
Either he sits down and addresses the situation as an adult or he leaves.
You seem to be bringing your children up as a responsible and caring parent should, your eldest child is coming to that 'Kevin' age and it is only to be expected that there will be certain adolescent changes in his behaviour, however your boyfirend swearing at him is setting a bad example and shows a level of ignorance and lack of understanding of your sons and your situation.
From what you have said your son sounds like a typical adolescent and it is your boyfriend who is failing to deal or adjust to the situation and by stating he is leaving with his 2 year old child would imply (to me) that he is making no effort to understand or compromise and shows little compassion on how this would affect his own child (is he using this threat as some sort of blackmail/bargaining tool).
Either he sits down and addresses the situation as an adult or he leaves.
Yes i want him to sit down and address the situation.
I would never EVER pick a boyfriend over ym children, i have always told him this too.
My BF has sat down with just my son ans spoken to him before but as children go sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other.
If he wants to go i wont stop him as my son will come first, its no competition and its not about that, its about trying to make my BF understand that he is 11 and probably feels jealous of my BF.
Its hearrtbreaking though as his son i love as my own and i do feel my BF is being very selfish, but at the end of the day if he wont understand or stop being like this about the situation there is nothing i can do.
My sons and 1 have been through a lot these recent years all i wanted was for them to be happy but seems its not worked out that way with my BF.
I would never EVER pick a boyfriend over ym children, i have always told him this too.
My BF has sat down with just my son ans spoken to him before but as children go sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other.
If he wants to go i wont stop him as my son will come first, its no competition and its not about that, its about trying to make my BF understand that he is 11 and probably feels jealous of my BF.
Its hearrtbreaking though as his son i love as my own and i do feel my BF is being very selfish, but at the end of the day if he wont understand or stop being like this about the situation there is nothing i can do.
My sons and 1 have been through a lot these recent years all i wanted was for them to be happy but seems its not worked out that way with my BF.
Your heart is in the right place confused79. It is with your children. It is really hard for children of your son's age to suddenly accept a new man coming into the family and telling them what to do. After all, if he is like my oldest son was, then he feels he needs to protect you. He wants to be your main man! It really isn't your boyfriends place to be shouting at him or swearing at him. Nobody should be doing that. So, in all honesty, I think you are best advised to let your bf go and find someone else to bully, because that is what this really is. You will be happier and so will your children, if he leaves. And some day you may well meet a man your children will accept, because he is kind, patient, intelligent and caring. They do exist. I know, I have one like it. So just focus on making yourself and your children happy for now, until they are ready to accept a new adult into the family. Best of luck. :o)
I'm 60 now but I can well remember when my mother decided to help a girl she worked with by letting her move in with our family. I was about 13. I can still feel the rage I had about this - I hated the girl. I behaved like a moron - I refused to acknowledge her existence and never spoke to her. It really upset my mum but I didn't care, I wanted the girl OUT.
So - this is your son's feeling. He feels helpless and just wants you back to himself.
You can survive it but it will be massive hard work and it would take a special man who's prepared to work with you.
Both you and your boyfriend have got to avoid the current fashion of moving in and out of relationships whenever the going gets hard. It's not fair to your children to have a number of surrogate parents in their lives - they need to be settled.
I think this comes down to how much you and your partner care for each other. If you care enough you'll get together and make it work - you'll be strong, fair, united and loving.
As part of a loving relationship your son will be able to relax and be a child for a while.
However. if your partner leaves then your son will feel his behaviour paid off and this will affect him forever - he'll do it again next time you find someone.
If you want to make it work you both have to take the steam out of the situation by being calm and marking out boundaries. Reassure your son that he is a loved child (this can be really difficult when you actually want to murder him!).
Good luck - it won't last forever!!!
So - this is your son's feeling. He feels helpless and just wants you back to himself.
You can survive it but it will be massive hard work and it would take a special man who's prepared to work with you.
Both you and your boyfriend have got to avoid the current fashion of moving in and out of relationships whenever the going gets hard. It's not fair to your children to have a number of surrogate parents in their lives - they need to be settled.
I think this comes down to how much you and your partner care for each other. If you care enough you'll get together and make it work - you'll be strong, fair, united and loving.
As part of a loving relationship your son will be able to relax and be a child for a while.
However. if your partner leaves then your son will feel his behaviour paid off and this will affect him forever - he'll do it again next time you find someone.
If you want to make it work you both have to take the steam out of the situation by being calm and marking out boundaries. Reassure your son that he is a loved child (this can be really difficult when you actually want to murder him!).
Good luck - it won't last forever!!!
Im going through the same at the moment !! My husband swears at mine, told him enough times not to , they are children and its not setting a good example. Some times i almost feel as if he goads them to an arguement. Its so hard. Kids need to learn respect and understand that you have to have a life, BUT partners need to understand thier your children and respect you by treating them properly. I tell my hubby, if he had a child and someone swore at it, he would probs knock thier block off. Im fed up with being in the middle and sometimes wonder if I've done the right thing bringing someone into thier life.
Exactly as i feel too little miss, i hate it soo much its mainly with my eldest though, his son lives with us too and he is almost 3 i say to him if i swore or called him a little so and so but the nasty way i bet you woudl go mad. I hate it and also feel he wants it to happen.
It seems the only way they communicate is through arguing and so my son is getting negative attention from him which is why my son is losing more respect for him. is like a visous circlen that i dont seem to be able to stop
It seems the only way they communicate is through arguing and so my son is getting negative attention from him which is why my son is losing more respect for him. is like a visous circlen that i dont seem to be able to stop
(Secret) we have only been 2gether 9 months and married 5. Quick i know. I guess at my age i thought i knew. Tonight however, he came in, "moody" never said a word. I did his dinner, had no thanks... didnt even eat myself (not eat myself lol) now he on psp totally ignoring me. I asked what have i done to deserve this ? He says if u dont know i aint tellin you and i dont wanna talk about it. I genuinally believe, kids are more mature. they are so vulnerable, his behaviour is really making me question my choice and descision, really getttin me down. At the start of the relationship men are great with kids, once thier feet are under the table they turn into something quite disgusting. I truly think this a-hole needs to see how good he has it and buck up.(its ok im talking aloud)
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