Parenting Teens

[fourthwave]

My 20 year old son has become so difficult. Not intrested in studies, nor in taking up a job. Any talk leads to an argument. He even gets violent. This scares me.He keeps late nights and sleeps thro the day. I am a single parent. His father passed away years back. He just understand his responsibilities. I am desperate. I love him . How do I make him understand?

[TEAK36]

At 20 he is no longer a teen.

If you cannot sort things out with him , then you should ask him to leave. Maybe a bit of living in the real world might make him realise life is not all take, and a little give is required.

When I was 17 my mum threw me out because I had turned into a lazy slob , who treated her like sh1t. I lasted about 3 weeks in the real world before I had to beg my mum to take me back (skint, dirty cothes,etc). I then appreciated her a bit more and did not take her for granted so often.

I had to learn the hard way, and I will be forever grateful to my mum for making a stand and throwing me out.

Good Luck with your Son.

[jane1098]

you may have to look deeper into his life. what kind of people does he hang around with? are they interested in getting jobs or doing studies. try and sit him down and talk calmly. find out what he likes to do. offer to take him out for the day and spend the day together. enjoy each others company. then maybe talking might be easier.

[someonesgirl]

maybe your mothering him too much? what does he do for money? does he cook for himself? does he help around the house? Hes 20 yrs old. try to have a conversation without arguing. You need to let him know how his behaviour affects YOU and im sure he will tell you how your behaviour affects HIM! Dont be bullied by him. Its your house, if youre finding it difficult to pay the bills tell him! (he might like the responsibility of helping if you put it to him like that). Youre the parent dont forget. Dont beat yourself up about him not having a father figure, its not your fault hes being the way he is, hes just young-minded. dont try to win the argument with him, just try to work out a compromise between what he wants and what you want. At the end of the day, youre his mum and he is always going to have that love for you however shouty he is!

[chat2me]

hiya if u r desperrate sit dawn and talk to him if that does not work then scare him and say u wot him out and u can not coope with him the way he is

[tiny e.a]

He is plenty old enough to be taking on some responsibility in his life. You should stop providing him with money, meals, clothes wash, telling him that until he contributes to the house, and starts respecting you as a son should, you will cancel all mothering duties. As for the violence, I would phone the police if he attacked you. He must not be allowed to get away with assaulting his own mother and realising you won't be bullied in your own home might make him wake up.

Good luck

[beck07]

i sort of went through this stage as a teenager and i think its something some of us go through before we really grow up. in the end my mum stopped doing everything for me and i realised i wasnt ready to be an adult and look out for my self, so maybe giving him some space so he realises what its like to be 'alone',. loosing a parent has to be the hardest thing to deal with, maybe you could try and talk about it together so he knows your there for him as a friend not just a mother..

[WendyS]

I think the time has come for you to sit down with your son and have a serious talk. Ask him what he wants to do with his life, tell him that you are concerned that he has no sense of direction and that you are concerned how he would cope on his own if you decided to marry again, sell you house and move in with a new partner. That thought may never have crossed his mind, imagining that you are going to be there supporting him and propping him up for ever. Tell him that he is now an adult and that forthwith you expect him to do his own cooking and laundry . Give him a month to find a job and tell him that after that date he will be responsible for buying and cooking his own food because you want to sure that he knows how to look after himself,. Be blunt and tell him that you can no longer afford to keep him and you have to start providing for your own pension, having brought him up alone.. And stick to your guns. Make him understand that you are no longer prepared to tolerate his violence and that if it happens again you will call the police and ask him to permanently leave the house. I suspect that you may possibly have spoiled him in the past to compensate for the fact that he lost his father when he was young. Now however, is the time for him to grow up, and you may have to take a tough stand to ensure that he pulls himself together.

[kaylene]

i'm only 21 but i had to grow up as being living on my own since i was 16 you need to make him get a job and pay you rent or kick him out and if he get violent call the police and get him out of the habbit of hitting women or will be a girlfriend next and you'll feel even worse you jus need show him dat if he cant live by your rules and respect you then he will have to find some where else to live ring you councl and see if they can help you coz if you dont sort him out soon he will start stealing to get money and what ever else he need its time for him to grow up. you need to not give him ne money or buy him ne thin he should be buying all his own stuff and paying rent.

[taperface]

The problem might run deeper than you think. Your son sounds depressed. You need to try and talk to him when he's in a decent mood, but if he won't listen, I suggest you write him a note and leave it in his room. Tell him that you love him, but you're worried about his moods. Tell him that you're available to talk, or just to listen, when he feels ready. If the problem's due to drink or drugs, then he needs to know what help's available. Failing that, give him 6 months to find a job or to move out. Let him know that you'll always be there for him, but you've got to be cruel to be kind.

[sienna rose]

I'm 49 and our son seemed the most difficult to help with his moodiness and problems.Your son's dad passing away has had a huge effect on him, and he doesn't realize just how much.It was quite a while ago,but he's still grieving.He doesn't even understand why he feels like he does.Staying up all night and sleeping late in the day, that is a teenage thing.Everone I know says the same thing about teens, especially boys.Your son lost his dad just when he needed him most but you also lost your husband. You both have this in common. He may not understand this. If you want my email, ask and I'll see what I can do. The art of communication may be the hardest thing for you both to learn, but is the most beneficial way to help each other. We learned this with our kids & we were amazed at things they started telling us, even confessing. They all had issues to deal with and just didn't know how, and neither did we, until we forced ourselves to learn to communicate with them. Remember, when we have a child, no matter how many we have, we have to learn parenting all over again with each one, because they are all different and each one will have there own set of problems to deal with. Our son was such a night owl, we suggested he got a night job.This worked well when he became a night-fill shelf packer in Woolworths. Within 2 years he was offered manager. It all helped because most teens suffer from lack of self esteem, awkwardness, low confidence. If your son was able to get any job he would feel much better about himself and his confidence would rise.He may be worrying about the state of the world and what kind of future there might be for him and others. A lot of young people find this hard to deal when they see the way the earth is being ruined, and the terrible conditions some people have to live under. There is help available. Anyone who reads this can ask and I'll try to help if I can. In the end, they need love and affection and a much brighter hope for the future.