How do you discipline your 3 year olds?

[tigwig]

Hi all, I am really struggling recently with my daughter and her bad behaviour. It is the first Christmas without my mum in law and to top it all off my self employed husband hasn't been able to work because of the weather (he is a bricklayer) and so we are struggling financially too. I guess I am more stressed than usual and am finding it hard not to yell at her. It is just things like her refusing to get dressed and generally not doing as she is told. She carried on for ages this morning and I ended up really shouting at her till she cried, now thats made me cry and I feel like I am a **** mother. She has got a reward chart which worked for the 1st day and now even when I speak to her calmly and tell her she will get a sticker removed if she doesn't stop it she doesn't care. She isn't a horror all the time and when she isn't having a tantrum she is adorable but its the bad behaviour thats really getting me down at an already bad time. How do you deal with your toddlers?

[rutineli]

tigwig
I am a grandfather now and have four grown up children with children of their own but I well remeber the problem. I made all of the mistakes that there are to be made to try to get my kids to behave to the cold and rigid standard that would impress my own mother who ruined my childhood. Why ?
I don't know. One day I was shouting and ranting at a naughts 5 year old son and I saw fear in his eyes although he was smiling. I could not continue and had to change MY behaviour.
In the end I decided to love them and cuddle them and help them and to stop making them jump through hoops. At three years old they have the words of an older child but they are just little babies who talk really. You help them to dress in the morning (not do it for them) and one day they start to tell you they can manage themselves thank you.

If instead of being the task-master you become the mummy she loves who is kind and gentle and warm and patient and does things to help her all of he time, then she will be good because she wants to be good FOR YOU.
Tell her how good she is how much you love her and make a fuss of her when she gets it right . BE HER FRIEND not the boss.
Right now your life is stressful but she could be a relief from that stress in loving, kind and close interludes, instead of the focus and outlet of your stress.
Cuddle her all the time every day and help her whenever you can and have a friend for the rest of your life and a daughter who you are proud of who loves you instead of one who cannot wait to get away from the tyrant and into the world outside.. It worked for me and my children are even better at it with their children.

[yinyang]

Aw,tigwig - I can sympathise. This is going to be my first christmas without my dad and my papa. Tomorrow would have been my gran and papa's AND my mum and dad's wedding anniversaries and is also the date on which my husband's dad died, so we're all a bit emotional.
One of my girls had a tummy bug a few days ago and has been really picky about eating since then, which is fair enough. Tonight she decided that all she would eat was pizza - of course the one thing I didn't have in - so I trudged over to the shop to get one. When I'd cooked it she came through and said she wasn't eating it because it was burnt ( it wasn't ) ! It would be fair to say I exploded...
In amongst all that moaning I'm trying to say that it happens to nearly all of us - whether or not they'd admit it on here- we're only human and we all have limits. Of course I felt awful when I'd done it, and we all ended up having a wee cry together.
At that age I always gave my children two warnings then a time out. A couple of minutes sitting on her own will be probably be enough for her to realise that you mean what you say without it turning into a drama. After that it's a clean slate and cuddles.
Keeping them occupied can also head off trouble before it begins. I know you'll be running around like headless chicken yourself but give her some christmas pictures to colour while you're writing cardsor some biscuits and icing tubes while you're in the kitchen. That way you can keep her within sight and chat to her while getting on with stuff.
You're doing your best and you're doing a great job, I'm sure. Hope you don't think any of my advice is reinventing the wheel. Treat yourself to a nice glass of wine once she's in bed and try to find time to relax. Take care.

[tigwig]

thank you so much for your detailed answers they are both really thoughtful. I do cuddle my daughter lots and lots and she is my friend apart from when it comes to having to get her dressed or something she doesn't want to do. I will carry on with the reward chart and the naughty step and try to keep my cool

[wellyboots]

some of the behaviouir you describe sounds as though it is attention seeking- probably your best bet is to walk away from the situation rather than get into a shouting match, which is attention you are giving even though it is negative. my d was the same at that age. Would it help to maybe involve her in choosing her clothes the night before for example.
Try and spend some real quality time with her each day even if it is only ten minutes. Praise all the good behaviours to encourage those that you like.
Sit down and be very clear what behaviour are expected, for example sitting at the table for mealtimes, children at that age need precise instruction, saying 'be good' is not clear enough for them you need to explain what your idea of being good is.
Your social situation is getting you down too and perhaps you need a shoulder to cry on too but above all else your daughters needs must come first.



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