baby

[worriedmummy]

my daughter is 8mnths old, i'm 20 and her father (my ex, who is 41). comes to visit her about twice a month. he's not on the birth certificate, but wants to be more involved in her life. but i dont want him having parental responsibility, he said he'd sign an agreement that we write out stating, he can see her twice a week, i wont move out of the country with her, he can be involved in school and medical situations, and have a good relationship with her. but he's not to interfere with our day to day lives, or stop me from taking her on holiday, or to make me get her christened etc, because i want her to wait til she is old enough to decide herself. i also want to pick the school as i already have one in mind. is there a legal way of signing an agreement like this, or am i asking too much? i jus dont want to have to have his permission constantly. and is there any chance of him getting joint ressidence of her. i'd hate it, he has no idea of how to look after her.

sorry for babbleing on

[mattymatt123]

Legally you have "joint perental respnsibility" I would see a solicitor if i were you. sounds to me like your still a little angry with each other.

[B00]

Agree with bednobs I'm afraid.

I cannot begin to imagine the heartache involved in being told that you can only see your own child when and if someone else says so.

Please for your daughters sake- swallow any dislike you may have for your ex-partner and try to involve him in as much as your daughters life as he wants.

If you don't you may bitterly regret it when she's older and resents you for him not being around.

[mattymatt123]

Sorry i didnt read all of the thread, If hes not on the birth cert. he cant do alot really without proving hes the dad, HE HAS NO LEGAL RIGHTS

[worriedmummy]

why should i let him see her every day, we cant stand eachother, so he'd have to take her off me, i'd want to see her sometimes too. he lives in oxford, and me in plymouth anyway, so he couldn't see her everyday

[redcrx]

you dont believe in abortions and yet had unprotected sex after you split, because he thought he couldnt have kids?

Now youre not allowing him access to his child. What if he has changed from when she was born, what if he really wants to have a part in her life?

What will you tell her about her dad when shes older?

oh and who on earth says that a 41 year old is too old to play with a child? for gods sake, you didnt think him too old to have sex with!

[Goodsoulette]

Worried mummy, if you want to make your partner legally her guardian then he can have parental responibility but I can believe the people telling you not to worry about him. He is her father. Not being on the birth certificate means nothing, he can prove this, and go to the registrar and have his name put on it and he will have as many rights as you. The more you exclude him, the more likely he is to take steps to get her as much as possible. Ask him about her schooling, tell her future schools to send a copy of her reports to him. Invite him to her birthdays.

I can manage these things with an ex who broke my arm, I think you need to grow up a little and think about how you are going to answer the questions your daughter asks about her daddy, if you succesfully bully him out of your lives. Will you lie? Then what happens if she finds out you lied? What happens if man of the moment leaves? Will you then change tact and start chasing the "old fogie" for maintenance.

Also if you have ideas of your partner adopting her, with her dad on the seen this will never happen. Oxford to Plymouth is a long way, twice a month is nothing to you and yet a lot for him to do. Sounds like he is trying to bond with his daughter. Imagine if the boot was on the other foot for just one minute.

[worriedmummy]

he is getting access if u read it properly, 2 days a week when he moves down, at the moment he sees her a couple of times a month, because he lives up the line. no i dont believe in abortions, but he said he couldn't have kids, and with him being so old with no kids i believed him

[worriedmummy]

no i'm not letting him adoppt her although this is possible. i'll let my daughter decide what she wants to do when she's older. i will invite him to bday's etc, i dont think ur all reading this properly, i dont want him to stop seeing her, he can see her twice a week, and holidays, bday etc. i just dont want him trying to control our lives. my daughter wont need to ask questions when she's older cus we'll all be in her life!

[natalie_1982]

worriedmummy, who is he living with in Oxford? I live on BBL estate (is that where he is? There are a LOT of Jamaicans here thats all). If his family live in Bradford, and you live in Plymouth, who is he staying with? You can't on one hand accept money from him if you are not prepared to let him have any input in your daughters life. I would seriously advise that you get down the CAB office.

As for the race issue, my neice is nearly 7years old and her mother is white and her dad Jamaican, and she is a perfectly happy and well adapted little girl (despite not having seen her father for a long time but that's another story all together). She went through a little phase when she was about 3 of aksing why she was brown, and nobody else in her (immediate) family was, but she got over that quickly when we reassured her. As long as your daughter knows you love her and she is not made to feel different then there shouldn't be a problem.

[worriedmummy]

no wantage i think, i dont want to cut him out of her life, just dont want to have to have his permission for everything

[Goodsoulette]

Well if you don;t want to cut him out of her life you don;t need to worry about parental responsibility. When she is with you and you only you make the decisions. I moved my son's school much to my ex's dismay but there was nothing he could do about. Even if he sneakily got her Christened, which he cant do without a birth certificate, that means nothing if you aren't teaching her a Christian way of life. If he wants parental responsibility there appears to be litle grounds here that a court would refuse it, so you might as well save the fight for something else.


If you died unless you can prove that he would be a danger to your daughter, she would go to her biological father.

[barb1314]

Just speaking from a little experience of this situation in my own life.My husband has a daughter who is now 23.He was cut out of her life until she was 12 and it's been a long and very rocky road for both my husband and his daughter whilst they have tried to re establish a relationship.Her mother told a lot of lies along the way and it was only once she became an adult that she really understood the difficulties my husband has had in trying to become part of her life.She was resentful of him and in fact, of me (I knew nothing about her for a few years) I guess all I'm trying to say is that I've seen it from the Father's perspective and it's been really heartbreaking to watch.Luckily now things are on the up and they have a pretty good relationship but there is guilt on one side and resentment on the other.Just be wary of his feelings too..My husband and I have never been able to have our own kids so it's even more important to him.Coincidentally she is mixed race and was brought up with white siblings and is very happy.I wish you lots of luck and happiness and hope you get things sorted for all your sakes,especially your little baby.

[daisycutter]

I'm pretty certain that the rules about parental responsibility now mean that you don't have to be married. I had to endure months of battles with my ex when he was trying to get access to his two children to two mothers he wasn't married to. I married him so he got PR automatically but someone said the law had changed. Best to check it out with the CAB or one of those cheapie half hour appointments.

If he plays hard ball then he can take you to court for the "reasonable access" he will be entitled to but I have found they are very fair especially if your daughter is young and you are doing the bulk of the caring. I had mediation before a hearing and a lot of that sort of stuff can be clarified and cleared up before a decision is made. My ex has PR of our daughter and joint custody but she lives with me and I make those major decisions because, at the end of the day, I am the one running around getting her to and from school, etc. He's consulted and kept informed but at the end of the day I think it is my decision.

We signed a separation agreement which spelt out access, etc as he wasn't even telling me where our then 7 month old was staying or giving false addresses. It was done by a solicitor and I signed but the caveat to that was that it wasn't worth the paper it was written on (as he pointed out joyfully!)

Be proud of yourself for putting your daughter first and let him do the hard work. In my case the courts looked after me and my rights.

[daisycutter]

PS My mother told me about a friend of hers whose in laws got her daughter christened whilst she was out at work on a Sunday! Apparently she was a little shocked to see everyone in their party frocks when she came home. Rest assured, in her case it was against her wishes and you can have it annulled!

[worriedmummy]

thank you all

[Beanmistriss]

Good of you to "let " him see his daughter. You may not have chosen him to be the father of your child but he is. I think its disgraceful that you know who her dad is but left him off her birth certificate. Its her birth certificate, not yours. It shouldn't be about whats convienient for you. It doesn't matter if you don't like him, he's her Dad. And for him not to know where his daughter lives is awful.