Domestic violence

[Buzzie]

Please help! My wife & I have separated after 12 years of marriage, we have 2 children. My wife has a drink problem and has, on more than the odd occasion verbally and physically abused me - I have never lifted a finger to her because I'm not a violent person. She has thrown plates, glasses, wine bottles at me, threatened to smash me over the head with a vase, bitten me, punched me & lots more besides.

Yes I know I couldve got out of the marriage but she always said she'd never do it again, that she'd get help etc etc but it never happened. The final straw came when my daughter aged 9 heard all the commotion one night & came downstairs & saw what was going on.

She is now saying that I made her do it, that living with me was so stressful that I made her drink etc etc and that I should be grateful to her that I am able to see my kids 3 times a week. I believe I have a good case for going for sole custody but am worried that she will just lie if it went to court.

Any advice out there?

[Goodsoulette]

Phone the domestic violence helpline for men, called MALE 0845 064 6800 . They can put you in touch with solicitors whoc an help you. If you can prove she is a drunk and violent then thats good.

I dont mean to startle you but act quickly, now you have gone she could easily be turning her outbursts on to one of your children.

[Buzzie]

Thanks for that Goodsoulette, will give them a call. I don't think she would do it against the children although she has phoned me late at night whilst drunk just to lay into me again & the next day my son said that she'd woken him up by playing CD's very loud in the night.

I have photographic evidence of what she's done to me, and also the police were called on one occasion by a neighbour who heard all the racket.

[Goodsoulette]

You're sorted then. Depends how you want to play it but I wouldn't be surprised if you could have them lifted from her care pretty much immediately. I am female, but if you want any advice, cos I've been there, done that, got the tshirt with this, you can always PM me.

Good luck!

[spaced]

good luck buzzie, it takes a real man to admit what you have gone through. For the sake of your sanity and health and the sake of your kids, call that number mate.

Good luck!

[Buzzie]

Well I did call the number & they advised me to talk to Families Need Fathers who I rang last night. It would appear that I only have a case if it is in the best interests of the children to not be with her. The fact that she has beaten me black & blue does not come into it (it would, however, if it was me that had been abusing her!). I would have to prove that the children would be better off with me - I don't have any "hard" evidence that would stand up in court, only my word against hers.
Interestingly, they also said that if its stipulated in the Separation Agreement that I have the kids 3 nights a week, it means absolutely nothing - she could turn round & say I'm not having them at all & there would be nothing I could do about it.

Frustrated!!

[Annlinda]

Give her enough rope and she will hang herself. Keep in touch with the children she will let them down eventually and hopefully you will be there to pick up the pieces. Pity you didn;t get the police involved when she assaulted you court doesn't like domestic violence

[beatlegal2]

without doubt she will lie.do ya think children are suffering if so call authoty's.this is awful situation try get legal aid.r the children happy this main concern.she sounds a real gem get legal help.good luck

[Buzzie]

To all of you,

You've been most kind & thoughtful in your responses

Annlinda: Yes, FNF have advised me to keep a log of every incident, no matter how small that could be construed as her not acting in the best interests of the kids - even something like not having the right equipment or being late for school, but especially phoning me late at night when drunk.

Beatlegal2: They are not suffering as such but I am watching her like a hawk.

Thanks again everyone, will keep you posted

[Goodsoulette]

get a recorder attached to your phone! Im sorry that the laws suck regarding good fathers and custody. The sad truth is that I think they are there to protect the thouands of women like me, who are in your situation.

[Ice.Maiden]

Hi Goodsoulette - are you OK? x

[Goodsoulette]

Hello IM, IM great but you are of course an idiot lol

I cant believe how much that looked like I was talking to you.

[Ice.Maiden]

LOL - yes, but at a quick glance, it did, didn't it - and although I think Legend's an old softie at heart, the "idiot" bit...well - oh no, now i'm laughing again. I thought - "Goody - how COULD you!" Roll on the floor with mirth - x

[Ice.Maiden]

Oh - and apologies buzzie. I didn't mean to trivialise your thread - x

[webstar]

Buzzie, you sound like a great guy. Just do the best for your children, custody or not.

Good Luck.

[Buzzie]

Thanks Webstar, I always have done and always will do

Buzzie

[kilkenny]

I grew up in a household the same as yours. My Mum, analcoholic, would regulalry attck my Dad. The problem was as we, my brothers and I, grew older the violence turned towards us. You must protect your children as much as yourself.
Good Luck

[emlett]

depends on the age of the kids but if they are able to speak up for themselves and they want to live with you AND you are ableto look after them all properly i.e. decent home with enough bedrooms and have time to do so (i.e. working hours around them) then you do stand a chance as the court has to listen to what they are saying as well as how well you can take care of them. I think the law is biased towards children staying with mothers, this is usually because the mother stays in teh family home and may not work whereas dad is usually a full time worker in a small flat (after divorce/seperation)
YOu could try to get a non-molestation injunction against her and an occupation order for the home to kick her out (if you are still there) but you'd be up against it i reckon.
trying to get visitation with an unco-operative ex is a nightmare.