just found my adopt brother?

[tickle1510]

I only found out 2 year ago that I had a younger brother who was giving for adoption when he was born. I recently found him and have spoke to him on the phone a few times. The problem is I have been through this a few times before found a sister and it didn't work out, I traced my father it was great for about a year now I don't see or speak to him. I really do not want this to happen with my brother. I do not get on with my mother and we only found each other because he was searching for his birth mum which so far has took the best part of 3 years. My mother has never told me about this brother and there has been alot of lie's through the years. He has not meet mum yet but intends to meet her in the next few weeks, but he is wanting to know things now before he meets her. What I want to ask is if honesty is the best policy or do I let him find out for himself?

[dot.hawkes]

Do Not go through this on your own, ask for counselling and support before you proceed to find and then lose anyone else. contact the salvation army to start with and ask for their advice on counselling, there are other agencies too, do not think it is going to be any different unless you have been mentally prepared.

[tickle1510]

Thanks for the advice, but he found my mother through Barnado's and thats where he is meeting her in a few weeks and he feels like its all very stiff....and doesnt want that for us. He's more nervous meeting his birth mother than meeting me....I know my mother will go mental when she knows that we have been speaking before she even meets him. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.....Should I push the issue of meeting in the Barnado's office even if thats not what he wants?

[dot.hawkes]

you should speak to experts in counselling in these situations. seriously, it will help tremendously

[Ice.Maiden]

I helped someone to trace their natural parents, and in less than a day, arrangements'd been made to meet up. It turned out pretty well, but this isn't always the case. Either get counselling first, or just speak as you find - but be careful. Just because you don't get on with your mother - your brother MIGHT. Maybe best to let him find out for himself. Best of luck.

[tickle1510]

I am the type of person who normally speaks as I find...in fact thats why me and my mother dont get on. Coz she's the type of person when the going gets tough she off wont talk and wont listen. I feel for my brother but at the same time know that he has to do things his own way. Thanks for you kind advice..!!

[nwtrikette]

Please be very careful what you say to your brother. Honesty is usually the best policy as lies are always found out. But unless he asks the questions, dont offer the information. That way you dont have to lie.
As and adopted child I know how your brother will be feeling right now and if you think your in a sticky situation, imagine how he is feeling.
I only wish that my sisters had been honest with me when I found them years ago (they told lies to protect the feelings of other family members). I found things out myself the hard way and it made it soooo much worse. I wish I had been pre-warned about a few things.

Do not bad mouth your mother to him but be completely honest with him. If you want a relationship with him then it can't be based on half-truths.
I truely hope that things work out for you. Good luck .

Rachel

[Le Chat]

When you say that you don't get on with your mother, do you mean your birth mother or your adoptive mother? The mother who will go mental when she knows you,ve been speaking to your brother, is this your birth mother and why would she go mental?

[Le Chat]

Sorry - I get it now! Not surprised that you don't get on with your mother tickle!
There is no reason why you shouldn't answer his questions, after all you will just be telling the truth.
It is the past actions of your mother that has created this situation, so you have nothing to ever reproach yourself for.
She has no right to 'go mad 'with you for speaking to him before she meets him. She lost that right when she gave him away and never told you about him.
Your relationship with your brother may or may not work out, as with any relationship but do take it slowly and build a gradual connection. Going in too fast and too enthusiastically can be overwhelming to all concerned.
Good luck.

[Dee Sa]

I have read your posting and my heart goes out to you, I hope you get on really well with your brother, he deserves a chance all this was not his doing, and sincerely hope that this tale has a happy ending.