I may want a child in the future, my partner may not

[sweet13]

hello,
i am in a terrible situation that is tearing my heart apart. i am with a man a love and have been with him for a few years...i am in my late 20s, he's in his early 30s.
i don't know where my future will lead. i am not where i want to be yet with my career and i also have health issues that i deal with. i don't know when i will be ready to have children but i do feel the biological clock ticking.
but the problem is that my partner is not so sure...in fact he seems to be upset by the issue and feels pressure from all parts of his life to have kids. and that almost makes him not want them even more..like reverse psychology. he feels that people think he is not worth something if he doesn't have kids...like he's not participating in society or something.
anyways...what do i do? if i am not ready now and don't know what my future will hold...do i have the talk about kids or do i leave him now when i'm not sure either. it's more that i would lean towards..maybe someday, and he would lean towards, probably not.
i just feel so torn inside cause i have never met someone so right for me in every other way except this issue.
any help or suggestions? i feel so hopeless at the moment. thank you so much:-)

[sweet13]

i just wanted to add that his fears are
1. financial
2. health related
3. he had a bad father and has a terrible fear of not being a good father
4.he has a dysfunctional family and has not seen any good examples of healthy families so the whole subject is laden with negative connotations for him
5. he fears that having a child means your 'life is over' and that you give up everything for them and he fears he is too selfish to do that.
the sad thing is that he has so many wonderful qualities that would make him a wonderful, caring father. he has a strong sense of responsibility, he is the most sweet and caring person, he is a wonderful listener and has great and strong values and morals
anyway..just wanted to add those few extras. looking forward to any thoughts out there. thanks much:-)

[natalie_1982]

Hi sweet13, I think it sounds like there are two issues here, one being your boyfriends self-worth and two being your own feelings as to whether you want children or not. I don't see this as a reason for throwing a relationship away right now, although I do have a friend who at 28, has been married to a man for 3 years, who is now 40, who categorically does not want children, and it is a nasty situation to be in. They love eachother but will have to go their seperate ways or end up resenting eachother I guess.

Personally, I would suggest that maybe you attend Relate relationship counselling together? I cannot rate them highly enough; myself and my fella had a few issues in the early days and now, five years on (married, with mortgage and got baby on the way!), I can safely say that we would not be together now and it would have been over daft issues that were so easily sorted. I am sure it will help to make you both see things a bit more clearly, and if you decide that going your seperate ways is what you have to do then you can tackle that when you come to it.

Good luck hun, I hope it works out for you xx

[Ice.Maiden]

Sounds as if you needn't worry about things yet, as you're unsure yourself. Leaving your present partner won't help matters if you love him, because who's to say that you'd feel the need with anyone else - or that you'd find someone else who was eager for a family? That's the point - what'd happen if your current partner suddenly agreed to the idea? Would YOU? You say you don't know when you'll be ready to have children. You might never be. You can really only take this a step further if you decide that yes, it's for you. THEN's the time to tell your partner, and if he still hedges - you can make your mind up whether to stay or leave.

[banjobabe]

Hey Sweet,

Difficult I know and also quite hard for me to answer as I have had children. My personal opinion is.........

If you love this man as you say you do stay with him and do not pressure him. As you say you do not know what the future holds, it may be that you wouldn't be able to have children and then you wouldn't have a decision to make.

It would appear that you are not ready to have children yet and you may never be.

Personally I think you are worrying about a problem that only exists in your own head.

Get a hobby.

BB xx

[sense4all]

I don't want to be too nosey about health issues, But could you not pay to have some eggs frozen and keep your options open too! Other issues might resolve themselves in time.

[Ice.Maiden]

That'd be an option, Sense, but if Sweet doesn't know if she's ready for a family yet, she's hardly going to want to pay for having her eggs frozen, let alone having to go through the process of retrieving them - that's assuming she produces any TO freeze. Neither her nor her partner seem very struck on the idea of a family, and it wouldn't be a good idea to have one just because the biological clock's ticking away. Sweet'll know if and when she's ready, and it's THEN that she and her partner have to make a decision - but as you say, freezing eggs IS one way of doing it, although the process isn't a guarantee it'll work.

[Le Chat]

It seems to me that you are focusing on the child issue and it has now become a huge cause for concern.
You have not said that your partner has stated that he never wants children, just that he is unsure, which is not reassuring to you anyway.
If I were in this situation, I would do two things;-
1) Not mention the child issue again. until...
2) Mark a time in your own mind - maybe in a year - and re-evaluate the situation. Have the conversation.Then make your decision.
If he at any time says that he does not want children, then please believe him. Don't hang on hoping that he'll change his mind. At that point, you will need to move on, or you'll end up without.
On a lighter note...Don't pay too much heed to your perceived 'biological clock.' I was 32 when I had no1 son and 39 when I had no2, who was conceived whilst using contraception!
Hope my point of view helps sweet, along with all the other excellent points above.

[sense4all]

Ice if it was something degenerative that is a health issue I would take action sooner rather than later to ensure the best possible chance of success that's all. I am not sure as to the costs involved - whether they are prohibitive - but I do know the harvesting is an 'interesting' process ... this was the uk link I could find if you fancy a perusal.

http://www.hfea.gov.uk/docs/Storage_and_Use_of _Frozen_Eggs.pdf

[Ice.Maiden]

Thanks for that, S4A - although I think Sweet might find it of more interest, should she consider it for some reason. A friend of mine had the process done. I can't tell you how much it cost, but it did - and quite a lot. The process of egg removal can be rather unpleasant as well, but something that is necessary for some women.

[signsofgoing]

Hi Sweet 13. Try phoning the Samaritans, the National Number can be found in your Telephone Directory & guaranteed a 100% reply to your call. YOU will not be judged IN ANY WAY & you can end the conversation at any time if things seem to be getting too much for you. You will not BE TOLD to do ANYTHING, every decision will be YOURS & YOURS ONLY. It may help for you to speak with a Female Samaritan (just ask for one if you decide to phone). Years ago I took somebody else's advise & MADE THAT CALL, It was HONESTLY the best thing that I did at that time. I was so GRATEFUL for that call & the many more that followed. Once I sorted out my messy life, a few years later, I applied to become a SAM, I was accepted & that was 9 years ago. I just love my Voluntary work. Whatever YOU decide I sincerely hope that you come to the Right Decision. Best Wishes.

[Ice.Maiden]

I'd be wary of reason number 5 if I were you, Sweet. A selfish man, by his own admittance, isn't exactly the sort who might make a good father. One of the reasons I say this, is that you DO have to give up a lot, in favour of a child. Life's never the same again, because instead of there being just the two of you to think about, you then have a third - and far more important - little being to think about. If your bf thinks that's too great a sacrifice, it doesn't sound good to me. Sorry. x

[aims1202]

you are in the same situation as my cousin was last year. she's 25 and her boyfriend 33 had been together for 5 years everything was right except that my cousin started to think that she definitely wanted children in the near future. he was absolutely sure he never wanted kids and for similar reasons to your partner. he'd had a bad upbringing, no love in his family etc it took my cousin a while to decide, she loved him, but made the decision to end it. She met someone else about 6 months later, someone who does want kids one day and is really happy!
But i also have a mate who always said he never wanted kids, for different reasons though, i think it was more having to give up partying. he and his girlfriend had a bit of a surprise last year and he is now dad to a one year old boy. when he found out his girlfriend was pregnant he couldnt speak for a week! but he is an amazing dad and loves every minute of it!
I would say talk to him about this as it is obviously a big deal for you at the moment, only you can decide what to do but i wish you the best whatever you decide x