What would you do?

[merlin58]

Some of you might remember my situation but If you dont;

After ten years in a very abusive marrage my wife and I seperated last year. My ex-wife was having an affair, had attacked me three times and the whole thing left me broken and shattered with no personal confidance in myself. She was in fact a right cow and a real nasty piece of work. We had no chidren. Naturaly I lost my home. The divorce is now pending.

She can only contact me my via job. I have now moved 300 miles to get away and started to rebuild my life. Recently my ex-wife twice has contacted me at work for no real reason; I will not talk to her any more than I need to, only for a moment or two.

Now, my 25 year old step daughter, who has not spoken to me since the day her mother told her we were breaking up, as been in touch via E mail. I dont know how she got my address but she has.

Apprently I was a great Step- Father (though she never said so at the time) and she says she misses me. Apparently Its me that got her were she is in life etc, etc. She now wants to talk to me.

I dont feel its wise. I dont trust her She is ultra close with her mother and I cant beleve her mother has not put her up to it.

I am just getting back on my feet, both financialy and personaly and I dont need any of them in my life. I now have my own home and at least my job is going well Even if I will not have another relationship again, I am now slowly getting my life back on track.

I have not responded to the E mail. Am I right? I just want to move on and forget the past.

[*Princess*]

I guess only you know how you feel about your step-daughter. Weigh up how you will feel if you don't reply to how you will feel if you do and it's not genuine. What's the worse that can happen if you reply and she's doing it for her mother? You will feel upset, and it could drag you down again, but you're a strong person who can get through things. If you didn't reply, you could miss out on a whole father-daughter relationship, and in the future a grandad role, could you live without that?

I guess if it was blood, and she was close to her mam still, you'd probably have less reservations, but it sounds like you're scared that she's your stepdaughter and not your 'real' daughter - do you feel like you're her real dad? If you were there for her from a young age, it's quite possible that she thinks of you as her dad? Maybe she really genuinely wants a relationship with you, even if she is close with her Mam too? I can be done?

You must feel something for her, or you wouldn't ask on here, and would just ignore it?

I suppose what I'm saying it that only YOU know how you feel about things. Maybe you're too scared of getting hurt, which is quite understandable.

Also, have I got it right in that your wife was violent towards you? Have you thought that maybe she was violent towards her daughter as well, and that could be why the daughter feels like she needs you in her life? Maybe she didn't tell you as she was scared of her mother? Played a perfect daughter to keep her mother happy?

I have to say though, that you're a very brave man to talk about this and you're so strong. You've found the courage to leave and you're doing so well for yourself - you should be proud that you're building a new life and doing so well. x

[Ice.Maiden]

merlin - I can appreciate your predicament here. With both your ex-wife AND her daughter contacting you. it's bound to make you wonder what the motive is. However, you don't say how good/bad the relationship with your step-daughter was, and as princess says, it could be that she needs your advice, help, etc. I suppose it might be worth replying to the girl, simply asking her what she wants, & wishing her well. if the reply seems unfavourable or you get further bad feelings about it - change your email address and don't respond a second time. Hope all goes well.

[sleepyj]

dont contact her let them get on with it ...as you say you are sorting your life out ...let them do the same ...good luck

[moonshadow]

I'm sorry to put this so bluntly Merlin but if your step daughter thought anything of you she would have contacted you a lot sooner even if it was just to check your OK. The reality has probably hit them both at what they have lost, especially where income is concerned. Sounds to me like your ex didn't deserve you in the first place if that's the way she behaved. So look to a bright new future, your nearly there and leave the past where it belongs. I think your head and heart are already telling you that.

[merlin58]

Thanks for the thoughts and advice. I am not going to contact her. I think moonshadow is right, I she really did care she would have been in touch months ago.

Once again, many thanks.

[toby99]

Someone as caring and respectable as you seem will have another relationship - you may not think so now, but some day, when the time is right, you will meet someone special.

You could email your step-daughter and say that you too miss her, but you need time to get yourself sorted, before seeing her again. This way, if she is genuine, you will not burn any bridges or damage relations, and you could pick up your relationship at sometime in the future if you wish to, but I wouldn't arrange to see her or her mother now as this will really set you back.

[rabbitdrop]

I'm not sure about this. I think your ex wife and your step daughter are different people and that you should respond to them differently. I think you can walk away from your wife (and you're right to do so), but I dont know that you can walk away from your step daughter. I think it is a bit cynical of the previous person to say that she's probably after your money. If you are as nice a person as you sound, then she probably genuinely misses you and realises what she has lost. I'm not sure it is righ to punish her because of her mother. However I can see that you need to protect yourself. I think you said your step daugher is 25, which is not very old. She probably still needs you. I'm not sure how you could safely respond to her without risking setting your ex-wife off. If you had a good relationship with your step daughter before maybe she would respect your need to keep away from her mother. Good luck with things.