Visitors after my baby is born.

[FunkyMouse]

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and feeling very worried about visitors after the birth.

The problem is I don't have a close r/ship to my mum. She's a recovering alcoholic who chain smokes. I do my best to get on with her & find it ok to go and see her but I hate her coming over to mine. It's a combination of her chain smoking and very poor hygiene. I feel terrible saying it but she really stinks. I have a lot of trouble stopping her smoking infront of me whilest I'm pregnant. Her Idea of protecting me is to stand with it behind her back! I'm sure she probably washes reguarly but her hair is terrible and she's constantly scratching and picking at her head, she wears sandals all the time and her feet are absoloubtly black to the point there's no point in asking her to remove her shoes really when she comes round - her feet are as bad!

I think I've built it up in my mind now that it's almost a phobia of her holding my baby when he's here. I feel terrible to say it and I don't want to hurt her feelings but I'm dreading it. Especially as she's being very pushy about seeing him as soon as possible & spending lots of time with him. She said she won't be able to leave him alone.

I also feel bad towards the rest of my family because if I let them come over more often she will always come with them so it means I'm keeping them at bay too which I don't want to. They worry about coming in secret incase she finds out but if they tell her she'll invite herself along.

I'm sure I sound like a terrible person for worrying much about this but i'm getting so stressed about it.

[Bohne]

You are not a terrible person!
You want the best for your child.

This, however sounds like a terrible situation.
How far do you live from your mother?

If there is not chance of moving further away, I suppose the only thing you can do is being very honest with her.

You are the mother and you set the rules!

My parents would always smoke with us children around them, I suppose in those times, people did not think about it as much as they do today.
My mother has given up in the meantime, but with my dad, I never had to say anything, it went without saying that he does not smoke near my son.

Tell your mother exactly what you find acceptable and what not! Say it nicely, but don't overworry about hurting her feelings.

[mandimoo]

i would like to add as well, that tell her what you think is acceptable as suggested above. but also, she will either listen and do as you ask and all will be well OR she will not. if she does not then you should NOT feel bad but you will have to harden your attitude to her, after all if she is not giving you the respect then she doesnt deserve it back in this situation. good luck, and try not to worry. just an afterthought, can you get help with this from the rest of your family?

[pastafreak]

Congratulations on your pregnancy,Funky......You are not a bad person-you are simply feeling a mother's natural instinct to protect her baby. I think that you may have to try 'tough love ' here because the concerns you have are very real.If i were you,I would sit down with mum and explain your concerns with her....i would even try to invove your midwife or health visitor.Help her to understand the health implications of not only her smoking near a newborn, but also the necessity for personal cleanliness. It may be necessary to tell mum that she cannot see the baby until she sorts herself out:restrict her smoking and get herself cleaned up.There 's plenty of time before the birth,and if she really wants to spend time with her grandchild this may be an incentive for her.Involve the rest of the family,maybe they can help give mum support and encouragement.

[FunkyMouse]

Thanks for your replies.

I'm going to speak to my nan and sister about it and see how they think I should handle it. Everyone has been trying for years to get her to "clean up" but it's never worked. My nan said she just doesn't realise how bad it is because she's been like it for so long.

[mlz1974]

hey there funkymouse - listen your going to be doing the most wonderful thing by bringing another life into this world and with that gift come the burden of protecting it too, so its up to you to make sure that you state clearly from day one that in your home with your baby these are the rules and they are not subject to negotiation, they will be applicable to one and all, this irradicates the feeling of singling your mum out and then those that feel they dont wish to abide by these rules will unfortunately by their own choosing not be welcome, you will be amazed at the inner strength that you have once your baby is here, its total instinct and so stop stressing youself out thats not doing either of you any good and think of how you want the environment for your baby to be and tell everyone thats how it is, youll be fine and perhaps suprised at how even the most hardened stubborn ones conform as what you have to offer them is far more precious than what they can offer you - good luck x

[natalie_1982]

Hi FunkyMouse, I can't add any more than others have added, only that I don't think you're a bad person and that I feel very similarly to you, only that it is my in-laws that I have the problems with so will be much easier for me to be tough with them than if it were my own parents. I am 36weeks pregnant and I can honestly say I don't want them to see my baby whilst they behave the way they do, one relative has said she'd love to take the baby out for days to the zoo, etc yet she drives with tax or insurance, which I hate enough day-to-day without the thought that she wants to put my baby in that situation which is ludicours. They smoke indoors and in cars with babies around and drink alcohol (to get drunk, not just the odd glass to relax) with their kids around and I don't want them doing it around mine.

You're just feeling naturally protective of your baby and you're perfectly right to do so.

Remember that we're all on here for when everything feels crap and you need to sound off / get an outsider's perspective. Best of luck hun xx

[ethanryan]

hi, just remember it is your house and your rules. no one is allowed to smoke in my house, if they want to smoke then they go in the garden and smoke. i know it is cruel but even my elderly nan has to go outside. i dont smoke but my partner does and even he goes outside to smoke. even before the boys were born, the one thing i asked of him when we moved in together was not to smoke indoors and he respected my wishes.
if your mom cant respect your wishes then tell her she isnt welcome untill she can

[Whoever]

I think you need to clarify the situation with your mother right now, well before the baby arrives and tell her that your house is going to be a No Smoking Zone, with no exceptions because small babies can easily surcomb to asthma. And if she stinks of cigarettes, don't let her anywhere near your baby. As a recovering alcoholic your mother has obviously let her personal hygiene slip badly. That is her choice if she wants to live like that but remind her that small babies are very vulnerable to infections and that what is acceptable in her home will not be acceptable in yours. Sounds tough, but if she's wants to enjoy her new grandchild, that should be an incentive to clear herself up and improve her standards.