Sister-in a pickle

[andrea81]

My sister in-law has split up with her husband. They both work and earn about 19K ap each. She has their 1 year old full time as he is a bit of an absent father who makes all the excuses not to see his boy!

Anyway, she doesn't seem to be chasing him for any money even though she is paying out for everything. She pays �600 in childminding fees a month (not inc what she is subsidised by Gov) Buys all of his clothes, nappies, food etc......

Now I think we are all in agreement that he should contribute in some way, but he doesn't! She wont go to the CSA because she said that she has already looked into in and he is only obliged to give �44 (a month!)

Can this possibly be right???

I feel really sorry for her as she is struggling! But she is stubborn and wont listen to advice! Think she's afraid of him TBH!

Thanks in advance! x

[unhappychick]

With the CSA it depends on what he is earning, they take out a percentage, but not sure what it will be, it all depends on how much he earns, they also take into consideration his living expenses....and im not being funny, but I would rather have �44 rather than nothing! Although in saying that, with what he earns, I cant see it being that, not in a million years.

Your sister is taking on all the responsibilty herself why he walks around like a single man with no ties...not fair, she needs to act on this! good luck x

[andrea81]

Ye, I agree, me and my hubby are really trying to get her to see sense but she doesn't want to know! We have put her in touch with Family Law, but whether she will go is another question!

Personally I think she wants him back and doesn't want to rock the boat, but he has two other children by two other women (who he doesn't pay for either!)

He is a prolific womaniser and is now with another woman who has lots of money! She's well rid of him!

[unhappychick]

He sounds horrible and just a sperm donor, and your right she is better off without him, even if she doesnt realise it yet! She will eventually, try not to put too much pressure on her as she will only keep her loyalties with him, just explain to her about what she can do and tell her that you will be there for her when she decides to do it...lets hope its sooner rather than later! x

[andrea81]

Thanks for that. I think i will leave her to it for a bit, my hubby (whos sister it is) isn't as diplomatic as me and I think he's probably been a bit too blunt with her lately! I know it's because he cares, but she is very stubborn!

I might invite her for lunch or something and let her bring it up. Just hope it gets sorted soon as cost of living isn't helping things while he's living it up with his new squeeze!

[Hazel104]

Hi

He should be giving her �43 a week going on 19k a year.

You can work out what he gets paid weekly using this

http://www.listentotaxman.com/

And then use the CSA Calculator to work out what he should be giving her.

https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

Hope this helps, and that she has the courage to stand up to him, and make him take responsibility!

[andrea81]

Thanks Hazel104, thats great.

We briefly tried going onto the CSA website, but got a bit lost.

Maybe I should chat with her myself. Keep hubby out of it!

Certainly seems better!

[MiniN]

�44 a month is better than nothing. she needs to start setting it up now because it could take ages to get sorrted through the CSA.

has she tried asking him outright for the money and setting up visitation rights with him for the baby?

[andrea81]

Yes she has. He did start having baby every other weekend, but this has dwinddled to nothing (even with her trying to arrange) as his new GF always arrranges weekend breaks. When he is there, he is always ill or his phone is off!

He did give her about �40 a month, but now he says he hasn't got it and will give it the following month...... but you can guess how that ends!

[MiniN]

your poor sister. she does need to get this sorted asap, even if she has hopes of getting back with him she can still get things sorted for the baby in the meantime.

can't she ask him to split the childminding costs?

[andrea81]

I don't know, when we ask, she keeps saying that he has taken on a debt that they both had (him buying a car!) and that she thought that was fair, but I can't see a small car being anywhere near �600 a month!

She defends him a lot, but deep down she must know the truth!

Having said that, we can only nag her for so long and I know it's upsettting my hubby and their mum!

[MiniN]

well i'm afraid andrea, you will have to let her make her own mistakes and try and support her as best you can.

if she won't try and sort this, you can't force her to. be her sister and her friend but just try and keep out of it. you've explained to her what she needs to do....you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink....

[Rosetta]

The pattern seems that he is with someone for a while, has a baby, then moves on without accepting any responsibility for any of his children. I would think the chance of him changing are dubious so the chances of a voluntary agreement working are slim.
Your sil really needs to go down the CSA route, but from the sound of it the more she is "pushed" the more she will dig her heels in.
I think you are right to take a more softly softly role with her. Perhaps you could sell it to her in terms of the longer term financial needs of the child, for example when the boy goes to school/ college.
Good luck

[andrea81]

Thanks all, I have had a good think and have decided to leave it for a bit. It's her Bithday coming up so will try and give her a good day and show her support in this way.

Rosetta, I think if we put it to her like that (i.e. a saving scheme using his money) she might see how it will benefit him in the long run. �44 a month over 18 years will go a long way!!!

Thanks all x x x