co sleeping for 4 year old

[tired]

My daughter at 2 yrs old went to a toddler bed and hated it! She used to sleep 12 hours a nite in her crib. Since she has been in her toddler bed I fought with her for 2 months to stay in her bed at nite when she wakes up. Then I gave up and let her sleep with me and her dad only when she wakes up at nite. She is now four and still wakes up and I either sleep with her or she sleeps with us. I am sleep depriaved and have tryed to get her to sleep all thru nite but she won't and doesnt understand. What should I do? Very tired

[TEAK36]

tired, I really do feel for you, I know exactly what it is like to be sleep deprived for long periods, but I also think that you can only blame yourself for what is happening.Your daughter has had a toddler bed for 2 years now, but you have been letting her sleep in your bed if she wakes in the night.To now force her to sleep in her own bed is going to be very,very difficult,and I think you are going to have to be quite strict about this.As a very last resort, I would put a lock on the childs door,so that it cannot be opened by her.I am sure she will create merry hell at first,but she will eventually realise that she must sleep in her own bed.I know that this sounds cruel and I am probably going to get criticised for this suggestion.My brother had been having the same problem for years,and his daughter was still climbing into their bed at 7 years old,which was causing lots of problems.Eventually he put a lock on her door,and after a few days she realised that she must sleep in her own bed.

[rekstout]

I absolutely agree - mt wife is a childacre professional and gives the same advice to parents every day - unfortunately you must reap what you have sown in that you child's behaviour is a direct result of your own. The good news is that absolute refusal to give in will result in compliance very quickly - typically within a couple of weeks. You must also try and associate her bed only with sleep - not playing, reading or any other activities - these should be done outside the bed, preferably outside the bedroom so sthat she associates that environment only with sleeping. I know how hard it is to not open the door and let them sleep with you, we had the same problem ourselves (albeit with our dog) but be strong and you will see the results very quickly.

[Doolallygirl]

I don't know about a lock on the door! What if there was a fire? She couldn't get out. I think it's very unsafe. How about just gradually weaning her off of her night time wonderings? There is a programme on normal TV about this kind of behaviour. I'm sure the child eventually slept in her own bed for a full night and got loads of praise in the morning for doing it. It must be a bit like potty training? Put her to bed, stay with her until she is asleep and then creep out gradually?

[zgma]

A lock on the door??? Can you imagine how panicked a child would be finding herself locked into her room in the middle of the night? Sorry, but I disagree. That seems so cruel to me. Tired, what time does she wake up? You could try making a rule that is very easy for her to follow. Ours is, if it is still dark, then he can't come to bed. He's younger than yours, so right now we use this as our rule to determine whether we get him and bring him to bed, or whether my husband is going to go sleep on the floor in his room. But I've heard other parents say this works for them. The child knows the rule, and it's easy to figure out whether it's dark or not. I do agree with the others that you have to be absolutely firm about it. But for heavens sakes, a lock on the door seems downright abusive. There are some books you can check out... most of them are probably geared towards infants, but I know that some have sections for toddlers. The ones I can think of offhand: -The Baby Whisperer -The Happiest Toddler on the Block -The No-Cry Sleep Solution. I haven't read any of them, so I can't vouch for them.

[TEAK36]

As I said in my earlier post, I am bound to get criticised for my lock on the door suggestion.I did suggest this only as a last resort.My wife and I did speak to a health professional before we tried this with our 3 year old son, and I can assure Doolallygirl and zgma that the decision to put a lock on the door was not an easy one.We found it most distressing hearing our song crying his eyes out on the other side of the door,and for the first 2 nights he cried himself to sleep on his bedroom floor.After 2 more nights of slightly less screaming, our son finally went to bed without a fuss.In the morning we made a real fuss of him,and told him what a good boy he has been, and we now rarely get any problems.As for Dolallygirls corncerns about a fire, I have fire alarms in all of the bedrooms in my house,and even though I said I put a lock on my sons door, it is actually a hook that we just flick over,and to undo it you just need to lift it up.I do understand that people have different ways of dealing with situations like this, and for every professional that says the lock on the door is ok, you will find another who says that it is cruel and should not be done.All I can say is that it worked for us, and my son is a happy,well adjusted 3 year old (who is still a little monster at times).

[zgma]

Sorry, TEAK, I didn't mean to criticize your decision to do that... It just wouldn't be my choice. Glad it worked for you though.

[nrmatth]

a lock on the door is a hard desicion and is a parents decisions to make on a case to case basis. my three year old learn to sleep in bed but was waking up in the wee morning hours to get us up. Our solution was the doorknob covers you can buy near the safety stuff in any infants department. That way she couldn't get out but if there was an emergency we wouldn't have to fumble with a lock to get her out. plus she has a tv and vcr she can play her movies on in the morning to stay occupied till we wake up. and every morning she greats us with a cheerful "mornin'" so it's not hurting her mentally either.

[Hahabonk]

sorry I think all this lock business is madness! you have to reason and bribe with the child a) explain the reasons why he/she must sleep in their own big bed and that mummy/daddy need their own space etc b) if you stay in your own bed all night till morning gold star on chart - 7 gold stars at end of week = treat ie favourite video or something! The other important thing is if he/she gets in your bed and falls asleep you must carry them back to their own bed so they get used to waking up there, although its a hassle in the short term it will pay off in the long term.

[nrmatth]

reward should be a better word to use than bribe. but what if the child begins to expect a reward for everything they do, and will not do without one? clear boundaries have to be set before rewards start to come into play.

[Joe's Mum]

Rather than locking the door why not try a stair gate, we did and it stopped my son coming into our room during the night and I must admit there was a few mornings when we woke up he was asleep at the gate...when they do wake during the night do not go to them if you can talk to them from your room or somewhere where they can hear you but not see you, reasure them and tell them to get into bed, tell them you will be through soon. This worked for me and we have no problems now, it stops them coming from out of the room without feeling scared...good luck it will get better..

[Lindy Loo]

I agree with Joe's Mum, a stairgate is a much better and safer option, it's what I used for my son. Now he's 19yrs and it needs dynamite to get him OUT of bed!!!!

[MagpieCott]

Are you comfortable co-sleeping with her?  I only ask as if you are, what is the harm in doing it?  You will find a lot of people against it, but more people are doing it, and it is becoming an accepted way of parenting now.  There is a fabulous book called "Three in a Bed", which is very supportive of co-sleeping, and also gives you ways to move your child out of your bed into their own.  After all, we as an industrialized culture are the only culture to advocate that co-sleeping is wrong.  It may not be right for everyone, but if it is right for you, then do it!  At the end of the day it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. You do what you feel is right. 

[nrmatth]

i am curious why a stairgate seems so much safer to people?  someone please explain to me why a device that is constantly recalled, pinching fingers, and even strangling children is looked on as safer because it sounds so much less cruel than "lock the door".  i'll tell you that i would rather have a safety knob on the inside handle of my daughter's door and the outside handle working properly than have gates to trip over, bolts to unlatch or locks to turn, should there be a fire.  it may sound bad but when you look at your "safety gate"  and consider the alternative of just a cover on the inside handle, i'll tell you it's not as bad as it seems.  plus we sleep well, and without disruptions.