Don't know what to do

[rlcarroll]

Hi, I have3 kids and I am married but just feel that my life has become a mess, my husband is really not a good father, he doesn't spend time with the kids, shouts at them and swears and just seems like he doesn't care about them or me. I suffer from depression and know it must be hard living with me sometimes but when I am crying he just ignores the fact that I am upset and carries on with what he is doing and shouting at the kids. I have told him that we can't live like this as it is not good for the kids and he just keeps saying he will try harder to change but nothing happens, I have asked him to move out but he says no its his home aswell. It is just like a living hell and I don't know what to do

[bednobs]

why dont you move out?

[Rosetta]

Not so easy when you have kids bednobs, unless you have relatives or friends to go to.

It could well be your depression is made worse by the problems in your relatonship and you and your husband have got into a vicious circle

Have you thought about going to Relate?

[rlcarroll]

I have got no where to move to and would never leave without my kids. We did go to relate but he just told them lies so we never got anywhere!

[bednobs]

if things are that bad, why cant the kids just stay with their dad while you temporarily move out to get some space - could be a solution

[rlcarroll]

He doesn't have the time of day for the kids always shouting and swearing at them what kind of mother would i be to leave them in that situation on their own, besides as a mother i could never move out from my kids

[CheekyChops]

Are you taking medication for your depression? Like you say, it must be hard for him living with someone who is crying all the time although I realise that you can't help it.

Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing? Maybe he is depressed too or has worries about work/money/something else?

[Ice.Maiden]

I'm not surprised you're feeling depressed if you have to live in this atmosphere, but it sounds as though your husband's stressed/depressed as well. Are you able to talk to him without crying, and explain that the situation's becoming unbearable? I don't mean argue about it, but just to try and communicate your feelings? If there's no hope, I think you need to have a word with your doctor, so you can have some medication to tide you over until you get strong enough to move out. Write your husband a note if he won't let you speak, and tell him that it's make or break time. I know it won't be easy, but mental abuse is as bad as physical. You could contact a Women's Refuge, who'd take you and your children in until accomodation could be found. It's drastic, but the children - and yourself - need to get away from all this. Hope things improve for you.

[terambulan]

I presume your children are school-age. The whole family issue could be difficult for your OH while he balances them with his income. Men are just as concerned for their children and do fear their family & home falling apart.

Do you work or help financially? This would help all round and give you an outside circle of your own friends & support. This would relieve the pressures on your OH.

[sara3]

it seems to me that you both need help for your problems, before your kids start having problems too. how must it be for them, with their mother crying and father shouting?

both of you need to get help before you damage your children any further. this is a really unhealthy situation.

[Velvetee]

Perhaps your husband has problems of his own, which have made him depressed, but he bottles his feelings up, because he feels you wouldn't be able to cope with more.

Maybe you need family counselling, so you can find ways of understanding each other and sorting out your difficulties.

[billbobaggin]

Hi, you need to talk to someone who can help, look in your area for a local womens refuge.Thay usually have a telephone helpline to allow you to talk through your difficulties and so that you no exactly what your options are.o Good luck and I hope you have the courage to call, they will help but wont 'make' you do soemthing you dont want to. Life is very complicated but you have to think whats right for your children and you only. :-)

[zzxxee]

you could contact your local council about houseing issues. do you work if you do you can get advice about family credit as a loan parent they will help pay your rent, if you dont work you can always rent privatley if the landlord takes d.ss payments, i would also contact your local citizens advice

[lil75]

You sound very unhappy with the situation and I would be too, but what you have to ask yourself is do you still love your partner??? Has he always been like this? If you love him and he hasnt always been this way, there are ways to work this out, but he has to be honest and tell him that you can cope with his problems you cant cope with the lies...this sounds like a vicious circle and one of you needs to make a start about doing something about it, which you have already done by coming on here which is all good....I hope you can find a solution either way, and im sure you will....everyone in your household sounds unhappy and your husband needs to accept what your saying and work with you to achieve happiness x

[missrandom]

i was in a similar sitiuation. i made my husband go to docs and he sent him for CBT as it was his own disfunctional childhood that made him act in that way. We also went to relate. It all helped so much, because i still love him, i just couldnt see it through all of his behaviour. It really helped him to see his behaviour wasnt normal and also when to recognise the signs of his irrational behaviour building up and then try to control it. men, hey!

[rlcarroll]

Thanks all of you have ben so helpful and I really appreciate it. It does help you to see things clearer when you get other peoples opinions and I am very grateful to all that have helped x