introducing a new partner into a divorced relationship

[shanilisa]

My ex husband is seeing someone and will not admit it to me, yet my son knows where she lives (by sight) and the name of her mother and step father (he is 2,5 years old!)

My son has told me that she sleeps over at the house when he is there which I am not happy about as my son is only with his father one night per week.

How should I deal with this?

[Beanmistriss]

It would be nice if he felt he could tell you about it and introduce her to you and you could all get on nicely and everyone could always be adult where kids are concerned. He obviously doesn't feel able to do that and that may be for any number of reasons, either around they way he is or the way you are. Whatever the reason it's not your place to tell him who he can and can't have stay over at his house. You just have to hope that he is clever enough not to just introduce every girlfriend he ever has to your child after a week. Maybe they're serious and he wants her to know your son. If I was you I would talk to him and just say it would be nice to meet her so you know who your son is spending time with. If he agrees be very nice and don't start laying down rules, all that will happen is you will be cut out like you are now.

[marval]

Just let him know that your son told you about her. Say you don't mind as long as your son doesn't. After all your son must come first, if he doesn't make a fuss neither should you. He is your ex after all.

[obNOXious]

The whole point is shanilisa that he is your ex, therefore you have no right or business in who he sleeps with when your son is there or not. It just has to be accepted, you don't have to like it but it's a fact. Your son belongs to both of you and you need to get along for his sake.
I don't personally like the man my ex wife lives with ( with my children), but the kids seem to think he's the best thing since sliced bread, and she's my ex so I don't HAVE to like it.
Just mention his new partner in a friendly way and see how it goes.

[welshlibranr]

Yes, try to get along for your son's sake, he needs that stability, as long as they take good care of him while he stays over, and he's happy with the situation, then I think you need to accept things the way they are. ( I have been in a very similar situation in the past, and I know that it isn't easy!)................hope you can work it out..................welsh

[londonlove]

The control freak is the father, since he is blocking communication through his inability to discuss the situation.
The mother has a right to know what type of person is staying under the same roof as her child and it is very immature of the father to grant her that peace of mind.

Shanilisa, I hope you manage to persuade your ex to speak more sensibly and perhaps with someone to help mediate between you. Your son is not old enough to make decisions of this sort and to know whether to 'make a fuss' or not.

Personally I would be unhappy leaving my child with such a dishonest person and I wish you all the best.

[pastafreak]

I think that what shanilisa is trying to say is that she feels her son should have his dads undivided attention when he is there. I think that is a fair thing to want...but how to be diplomatic can be a problem. Talking about it is the way forward without geting too emotional.

[ummmm]

Gosh....some people really do over react...!!!

Dishonest???? He doesn't want to discuss his current relationship with his Ex.

As long as your son is loved and treated well then you have nothing to worry about.

Let it go...because at 2.5 years I find it hard to believe that your son would freely give you this info.

[ELVIS68]

Well said ummmmm

[shanilisa]

Re freely giving me this info - I was driving down a road in an area I don't usually visit, when my son pointed out a building and told me " (the girlfriend) lives there". Re being a control freak - my ex feels he has a right to know who I see and what I do with my child, and in return, I think I then have the same right. I battle to leave my child with someone who cannot be honest with me. I don't care who he sees or what he does when my son is not with him. Further to this, my ex has said he has "various" women sleeping over at his house - and this is good for a toddler???? He is not old enough to "make a fuss" or stand up for himself - that is MY job as his mother.

[hurtfather]

i understand your concerns fully, i only advise you to deal with this like an adult or your son WILL pick up on this. he may say that many women sleep over but kids that age say things when they dont actually understand what they are saying. if you make him feel at pressure to talk to you about things when he is with his dad this will escalate way out of control and cause lasting damage for you all.

[beaniesq]

I think you have every right to know who is sleeping in the same house as your child. Hypothetically, she could be the next Myra Hindley. Yeah yeah, I know that's an extreme example but if she's going to be in your sons life, you have a right to meet her and put your mind at rest!

[tubachub]

sorry i don't see what your problem is.his your ex and if his father does`nt have a problem with it why should you,what if you was in the same postion. both of you are entitled to have new partners

[shanilisa]

My ex feels he has a right to know who is around his son, so surely the converse should apply to him? I am more concerned that I am being lied to about what goes on around my son. That breaches trust and a divorce relationship where there are children involved still requires a level of trust. That is what the problem is. If I cannot trust what I am being told regarding my son's living situation, what else is being witheld regarding my child? I don't care what goes on when my son is not there, but when he is there, I do care.

[k8bailey]

I understand and don't think you're overreacting or being a control freak. Obviously this needs to be dealt with quickly and quietly for the sake of all involved. You and your ex, need to be open and honest with each other, because ultimately both of you want whats best for the child, and that includes, niether of you being overly worried while he's with the other, and all getting along as well as possible.

I think you need to calmly have a chat with your ex, without your son present. Explain to him, that while you are happy that he has moved on and is seeing someone, you would like to have been told about his new relationship and would like to have met the woman in question, before your son stayed over. Just so as you know who is around your son. Tell him that you understand that he would want to be kept informed of any man you had staying over, but that needs to work both ways.

Obviously it is too late to meet her before your son now, but perhaps you could all meet, to show your son that there are no hard feelings and no secrets!

Good luck, I hope you manage to get this all sorted out!

.....and for what its worth I hope that your ex is serious about this new woman because IMO, I dont think either of you should bring new parters into your sons life, untill you really know them, and its a serious relationship.

[shanilisa]

Thank you - I have no intention of introducing anyone into my son's life until such time as it is serious.

I hope that this gets resolved too - don't enjoy the stress!

[ummmm]

Get a grip woman.

You have no rights to interfere in your EX's life. He also has no rights to interfere in yours....tell him so.

You married the man so you should be able to comfort yourself with the fact that he chooses his patners carefully.

Did he not choose you wisely?

You're jealous....admit it.

[shanilisa]

Ummmm - clearly you do not have kids or worry about their well being. I am not jealous - I DIVORCED him. I chose to leave him. Not the other way around. My only concern is my child and what he is exposed to. When you have a child with someone, and you get divorced, that is not the end of the relationship - you still have to co-parent and in doing so be open with each other and have a trust relationship.

[Le Chat]

I totally agree with you shanilisa and think that ummmm's answer is very flippant to say the least. It sounds to me like your ex is not one who you can expect to get any answers from unfortunately but that shouldn't stop you from talking to him and telling him how you feel. He can't close his ears after all, even if he goes on the defensive.
It is hugely important for the stability of your son's life that his father is careful about who he introduces to his son on a romantic level. If he is quite happy for your son to see him sleeping over with different women, then your son will grow up with a moral compass as wayward as his own. (I took what you said earlier as your ex had told you he has different women over)
The greatest influence on any child after the age of 6, is the same sex parent, so the responsibility of your ex to model correct behaviour infront of his son is vital.
If he simply has the one girlfriend but has not told you about her, then it could be that he sees it as none of your business but he has made it your business by demanding to know the ins and outs of your life.
it's a hard one without knowing the whole story and timescales but I also have a hunch that your ex is deliberately being vague in order to rattle your cage...which he has done quite well actually!

[stepper]

I was interested to read this post. My son and DIL have just split up after being together for ten years. They have two children, five and eight. The split is very recent, just a few weeks. DIL asked my son to leave as she felt 'the marriage was breaking down'. Son now resides with us. He has tried to reconcile to no avail.

The children came to stay for a few days and during their stay told my son that mummy has a new friend who sleeps over and they have no clothes on in bed.

My son has no idea who this person is or anything about his background. He and DIL have no contact with each other at the moment and all communication is through solicitors.