Help needed with boyfriends mum!!!

[CAJ1]

My bofriends granny died about a month ago. It was his mums mum. I've always thought his mum (in the politest way possible) maybe wasn't the full shilling due to things she comes off with.
She was upset and couldn't sleep when her mum died which is normal. She stayed with us overnight, we tried to take her out (but she didn't want to go anywhere), we went up to hers and generally helped out the best we could with shopping, housework etc.
She has started saying that she is still in shock, she gets panicky at night and doesn't want to stay at hers, she says she hasn't had a bath since her mum died as she feels too dizzy and she's not drinking water because "she doesn't feel up to it". I don't want to sound mean but the way she is getting on is like she wants attention and is getting it by saying she is too dizzy for a bath and she can't drink water etc. She has always been somewhat of a hypochondriac even my boyfriend agrees with that. I know when someone dies it takes time but she doesn't seem to want to get back on track. I know it sounds bad that I think this way of her but all I want to do is help her! Can anyone suggest ways of getting her back to her normal self or give advice on how you felt when someone close died? I am all out of ideas for helping her!

[ummmm]

It took me 6 months to get back on track after my Dad died....and then it was very gradual.

[CAJ1]

Were you able to do simple things though like drink water? She is back at work and was humming in the kitchen the other day but is saying she can't drink water or bathe

[Naomicorlett]

It's so strange when your Mum dies. I felt as if I would never be " mothered " again ( and my Mum had had Altzheimers for many years so I wasn't being mothered anyway. ) Maybe, and only maybe, her behaviour is being produced by these feeling of needing to be cared for. A month is a very short time after a death to the bereaved person All I can suggest is to helps as much as you can without giving in to the feelings of rage that will overtake you. Bath wise she might have one if you are there ( NO not in the room with her eeww! ) but in the close vicinity and try leaving bottles of squash I very rarely drink water. And you can now drive yourself to the beach by yourself and scream loudly !!

[ummmm]

I could drink wine...!!

Yes I could....Is she drinking anything else?

Surely if she hasn't bathed since she must smell?

[Robinia]

I think you're expecting a bit too much of her, a month is no time at all, the first year after losing a very close family member can be a dreadful time for some...and even longer in some cases. She may be focusing on the water thing for some reason you don't know about. Could you offer to wait outside the bathroom door while she has a bath or shower, it might make her feel less afraid? It's going to be one day at a time, trying to get her back to normal in a hurry will only make her feel more anxious. I've never had dealings with them but Cruse are apparently very good at helping people with bereavement.

[Naomicorlett]

She might be of the generation that washes down as far as possible and up as far as possible and then washes possible. Having a bath or shower can make some people feel very vunerable Physco scene springs to mind

[Robinia]

Naomi, re the bath.... your reply wasn't there before I posted!

[CAJ1]

I've never lost anyone close to me so I don't know what its like. I never thought of offering to stay in the house while she bathed, thats a good idea - see thats why I posted, you lot are full of great ideas! I think shes just been washing at the sink as she doesn't have a shower. She seems to be eating fine and is drinking milk, squash etc but randomly said she didn't feel up to drinking water.
Lol at you comment on the end naomi!
I will look up Cruse, thanks for that suggestion Robinia, I definitly don't want to rush her just try and help her.

[ummmm]

CAJ....if you haven't experienced it let me tell you that grief is time consuming. I had to get on with things because I had children to take of. If I didn't have them I think I would have just stayed in bed.

I just thank God that I had my cousin living with me as some days I couldn't function and he looked after the kids....and prodded me to do things. But it was a matter of having to....not wanting to.

She's eating and drinking and washing at the sink....If I were you I'd leave her be and let her deal with it in her own way. Just be there....

[CAJ1]

Thanks for the advice ummmm :o)

[Whoever]

I suspect one of the reasons your boyfriend's mother is feeling dizzy is that she is possibly dehydrated because she isn't drinking enough liquid. If she won't drink water try to encourage her to drink tea or fruit juice - a little and often. . You'll just have to be patient regarding her bereavement. Losing one's mother is a life changing event and there is no prescribed time it takes to come to terms and get over it but it generally takes years rather than weeks or months, and is a slow imperceptible process.

[Connemmara]

I will tell you that I adored my mother and it literally took me 2 years to get over her - even now she is 24 years dead - it is like yesterday because she was a wonderful woman and her life had been very hard - having herself lost her 2 parents within a year and she reared her brother and 4 sisters - one at the time was only 3 years old. She was only 16 and because of the authorities could have taken her family away from her - she forged her birth certificate to become 18 and got custody of them. Anyway I could write a best-seller.

When you have lost a loved one you do go very much up and down. Anyway before I lost my mother I had lost all my aunts and 3 friends and since 1992 - have lost one nephew aged 15 in a shooting in the troubles of Northern Ireland and another nephew who drowned in a pool in Thailand about 4 years ago. So I have had a lot of grief believe me.