Am I being unfair??

[brenda67]

To cut a long story short, my 16 yr old daughter wants to fo to a 4 day music festival (camping) with a few friends. Venue is about 3hr drive away. Ticket is £220 which at the minute she does not have. I have said a very firm no.. she went out with friends 2 months ago and was brought home in only what i can call a state, lost shoes, was sick and was almost unconscience (sp) . Since I said no she has not spoken to me (going into 3rd day) breaking my heart as we so close. She is speaking to her dad and sis but Im being the big bad wolf.. Her KIDS!!!!
B x

[Bapla]

no i don't think you are being unreasonable why don't you suggest you give her one more chance if she can show responsibility by the time the music festival comes along you might let her go she has to learn by her mistakes to an certain extent and usually when they get very drunk are very reluctant to do it again for a very long time
last cance its your call being the parent.i wouldn't worry about kids they easily persuaded and they will love you for being a stable parent..

[brenda67]

Already given her "another chance" we trusted her before and she ended up in hospital with stomach being pumped and social services being called. After about 6 months we let her out and bang...another event. Feel totally lost as we are, and I hate to say it, a totally normal family, myself and hubby work hard, our eldest at 21 has a good career. My daughters friends are all from good families and she goes to a top class grammar school...What are we doing wrong
Bx

[Mamyalynne]

You are doing nothing wrong and this is a categoric NO!! 4 days is too long to be away , may I say especially with her past behaviour. Make a bargain she starts with a single evening out and gradually prove she can be trusted.

Its a rocky road.
Good luck
M

[katerich48]

All I can say is I wouldn't have let my daughter at 16 go off for a 4 day festival even if she'd been a saint..Sometimes they get annoyed i.e. the sulking because they haven't actually been able to manIpulate their parents like they're used to doing..You haven't said what your husband feels about this -presumably as she is speaking to him he has no objections - why? You have to get him to back you up in this its not unreasonable with her track record..I mean lets face it worse case scenario - pregnancy - stds - drugs - alcohol abuse...She's proved several times she canot handle her drinking and now she wants you to let her run wild for 4 days! no way jose...

[brenda67]

Thanks for the replies...My daughter is a total daddies girl, he usually gives in, but not this time. He has said no, end of story. I have said no and this is being questioned by daughter. Hubby works 13 hours a day so he isnt here much so I get the brunt of it all. Me and him never hardly argue even after 23 yrs but this is a bone of contention at the minute. I cooked for her today, and she threw it in the bin, hubby says she will come round blah blah blah, feel like running away at the minute. I cant seem to get through to her that 80,000 people will be at this festival and she could be drugged, raped, or even worse.. Eldest daughter went when she was 19 and her tent was wrecked and all her stuff stole..At my wits end, so so hate all the bad feeling .
B x

[Mamyalynne]

It is awful Brenda and I used to say , tell your mates its me who`s the bad guy and then cry myself to sleep but you must stick to your guns on this. Stay strong.

Mamya ♥

[brenda67]

Thanks so much mamya at least I know Im not going mad nor am I alone. Perhaps someday she will see it was in her best interest( might take a few years!)
B x

[karenmac60]

Give her as good as you're getting. If she won't speak to you, don't go grovelling cos you feel bad, this is what she wants, till you feel so bad you'll give in. Don't do it! Ignore her back. If she's throwing meals you make away, don't cook for her. Tough love is the only way to go here - she'll be grateful to you in the long run. She can't be trusted to look after herself so you must do what any responsible loving parent would do and keep her safe. She will realise this once she grows up a bit and the hormones calm down - but don't let yourself be manipulated.

[brenda67]

Goodbyegirl, thank you also hope you get your issue resolved. Being a parent the hardest job in the world, perhaps my memory clouded but my eldest never brought this amount of trouble, but then again as they say, you never get 2 the same! thank God...
B x

[DEN53]

Evening Brenda - I soooo know this feeling - I always play 'bad cop' with my son. It sounds like your daughter is testing you, obviously at this young age they see no danger (I can remember being the same). If this ticket costs £220 and she can't get the money, then thats the end of it, I am guessing.

I have never had an easy ride with my son - he is 20 now but I can't begin to tell you Brenda how many times I have felt like running away, I have cried rivers of tears and have been treated like sh!te. I have sometimes given in for an 'easy life' but on some occasions have stood my ground and once you start to do this, eventually the message does start to get through to them.

Wish you luck Brenda and remember - you are not alone - we have all been there.

Den xx

[brenda67]

Tickets are still available as gig not until july 2010, she works partime after school so has money from work and gets EMA so money not really an issue. Everyone on this forum has been so helpful and I appreciate it so much, tough love it has to be, Jesus I would be living on my nerves if she was to be away for 4 days unsupervised. She was picked for a school trip to Romania to help at an orphange so the school obviously see the good in her, Im grand with this trip for obvious reason (me and her dad are funding this trip so we are not all bad!)
B x

[sooze1964]

You say that your eldest went to the festival and had a bad experience, maybe she could talk to your daughter or even go with her, dad should give her a shock also by giving her the same treatment she is giving you. Maybe she would sit up and take notice if he shows signs of being upset by her behaviour!

[ELVIS68]

Tricky situation, if you let her go to ease the arguments then she`s won, if you stick to your guns and say no the more she will rebel, this calls for a sit down with you her and hubby and come to some arrangement, but seeing as she`s done this before and come back smashed it`s a tough call

Good Luck

[brenda67]

Eldest did talk to her about her experience and her reply was along the lines of 'just because it happened to you does not mean it will happen to me' she seems to think she is invincible. She will be 17 in a few weeks but honestly does not look like it, she looks so much older, stands 5'8 and has a size 8 figure. Dads view is..I will leave it up to her to apologize to you for being so rude, he spoke to her but she aint having it...feel bit like a single parent at times, sorry folks for burdening you all..
Bx

[DEN53]

Morning Brenda - hope you are feeling a little better this morning - I know what you mean about the single parent bit - its the same in my house - I do all the telling off bit and Mr. Den just moans but never backs me up. He is so laid back he falls over on a regular basis !

I am off out now - despite having a lung infection I have to go and sort my Mum & Dad out who are both 80 and Mum has dementia.

I am thinking of hiring a coach and we can all run away together - ha ha ha

Love Denise xx

[Mcvj]

Hi guys,

I'm 24. From the ages of 14 - 18 I was a complete nightmare and have a similar background to your daughter. I luckily never ended up in hospital but her behaviour is destructive as mine was. It sounds to me that she doesn't have any self respect at the moment.

I regret everything now and when I look back at the way I treated my parents I can't believe how cruel I was. I used to manipulate them both using every method that was at my disposal and even resented them for a lot of things - To be honest, i held on to these feelings for a long time.

I don;t know how you can resolve her issues, but its completely out of order for her to go to a music festival for four days given her behaviour. Unfortunately these events are now crawling with opportunists, and I don't even want to think about how this could go wrong.

Unfortunately she will resent you for your decision and you will have to put up with a lot of anger from her over the next few weeks. She's not looking at what could go wrong because she has always had you to protect her - she's probably not experienced any of the horrible things that you do when you're an adult and she's just viewing you as a gatekeeper to her having a fun time.

[bednobs]

just to say i completely agree with all the others, i dont have any children but i think this is a no brainer - of course the answer is no!
your daughter has proved that she is not able t be trusted, and then wonders why you dont trust her.
What are the other friends parents saying? Have you spoken to any of them? - i can't belive they are saying yes