Boyfriends mum is a fruit loop and an absolute nightmare!!!

[CAJ1]

My boyfriends mum definitly has something wrong with her...not quite sure what but she's not all there. We go to see her twice a week because she has no one else really and I think my boyfriend feels responsible for her. At the weekend she said she had a sore throat (again), my boyfriend and I caught each others eye and smiled, she is always complaining about something. She caught us smiling and went ballistic, swearing at us and then she proceeded to try and bring up everything possible to hurt her son and provoke a reaction. She does this on a regular basis and it is really p*ssing me off. I think the best thing is for me to tell her that I will not be going up to see her anymore because I was on the verge of telling her exactly what I thought at the weekend. The other weekend she told my boyfriend he was a drunken mistake and that his dad wanted him aborted, she tells him she wishes he was six feet dead and buried, she can flip out in seconds.

I have also said to my boyfriend that when we eventually have children I will not be allowing her to look after them by herself because I don't want her talking to my children in the same way she talks to him and flipping out on them. I also caught her about to kick the dog recently because she was in a bad mood which doesn't fill me with confidence.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can all live in harmony? I understand as bad as she is, she is my boyfriends mother and I do not want to make things awkward for him but I cannot put up with this anymore!!!

[jno]

don't go trying to drive any sort of wedge between your man and his mother; the problem is essentially his to sort out and he seems to be coping okay. Give him all the support you can, and if you feel you can't go near her, explain to him calmly why (sounds as if you already have). But I'd say don't go abusing her, giving her a taste of her own medicine, etc - it can't be nice for him to see his wife haranguing his mother. Let him deal with it, keep your (future) kids some distance from her, and put your own relationship first; don't do anything that might make him feel he has to choose between you.

[CAJ1]

No society, she doesn't really drink and as far as I know she's never taken drugs. I had a look yesterday and I reckon she has some sort of learning disability or ADHD...could be anything though.

Good advice jno, I know I shouldn't argue back and give her a taste of her own medicine as it puts him in a difficult position but there is only so much cr*p I can take and on Sunday it reached its limit!

[yogi-bear]

Hi CAJ,

How are you my lovely?.......have'nt read this thread yet....what's up?....trouble?....I'll have a read now and come back xx

[CAJ1]

Hi yogi!

I'm fine thank you, how are you?

Just an ongoing issue that I'm trying to work out what to do for the best!

[yogi-bear]

I'm well thanks, honey.........Boy, you've got a doozey here.

If she acts that way, I would just cut her out and the amount of times you visit her, if all she can do is whinge and moan.......maybe try having a discussion with her first, see if that helps.
As some good folk have already said, it's you and your boyfriend that matter in this...not his mum......so either she fits in and treats you both better or takes the outcome.
Thanks for your e-mail you sent me recently........Can i come with you on holiday please?.....lol....... i'll reply to you today, sweetheart.
Lots of love the bear xxx

[yogi-bear]

p.s.. Did you like The A Team from the 80's?......we're off to see Dirk Benedict tonight, who played Templeton "Faceman" Peck, in a play at the theatre.........He was also Starbuck in the 70's tv series "Battlestar Galactica".........mrs bear is excited..( silly billie...lol )

[CAJ1]

I agree with everything you have said yogi. I said to my boyfriend recently it will be only herself that she hurts in the end because she won't have us going up to see her and she won't get to take her grandkids on days out.

Glad to hear you are well. Of course you can come, I'm sure a bear can be squidged into a suitcase lol! I loved the A-Team, maybe I should hire Mr T to knock the nonsense out of her lol! I hope you have a lovely evening xxx

[yogi-bear]

Thanks CAJ........I loved MR T......" I aint going on no plane, sucker".......I also used to watch Battlestar Galactica in the 70's , so Dirk is ok in my book.....may get to meet him after the show too, at it's mrs bears plan, and normally her plans work out....lol :0) xxx

[CAJ1]

I never watched Battlestar Galactica, hope you get to meet him (without getting in trouble lol). I'm going to the X Factor Live tour on Monday and we have backstage passes to meet everyone!

[lorla]

This kind of sounds familiar - my mother-in-law is a witch! She's a real nasty piece of work and as a reault most family members don't bother with her - my husband is one of the few that do (even his brother has little do with her). She however was diagnosed with depression about 12 yrs ago and put on medication - still a nasty woman and her emotions are out of control so not sure they're helping but thought worth mentioning because others had said maybe there's somehting wrong with her.

Mine drove me to see a counsellor and I learnt that I can't change her so I decided to step out of her life and hubbie understood that. I would def recommend you do the same - why give this woman the time of day if she's that nasty. If anything, you both making so much effort will confirm that her behaviour can't be that bad if you both still visit and she won't be encouraged to change or learn that her behaviour is unacceptable.

Incidentally my MIL was recently diagnosed with a brain tumour. I posted on here because I was worried that I felt no emotion, I wasn't saddened by it or worried for her because I dislike her so much. But she's had it removed and her behaviour has changed a little and at the moment I am back in her life and we're getting on! Not suggesting yours has a brain tumour for a second but again, worth considering if there is 'something' wrong with her medically?

[CAJ1]

Does sound familiar lorla! I think I would feel the same if she was ill, there's only so much compassion you can show to someone who is continually rude and mean to you. My boyfriend is terrible because she'll be rude and mean and then perfectly calmly ask him to do something for her which he does to save further argument, but like you say this probably lets her get away with this behaviour. She knows she can treat him like cr*p and he'll still be there, maybe he will have to learn to be tough with her (but I won't be the one to tell him that!).

I was just thinking about something. If I am mean to someone (which is almost never) I am very aware of what I am doing and feel bad about it afterwards. I do believe that she has a learning disability or something similar but would an illness like this stop someone being able to know what they are doing? To some degree she must know what she is doing because she specifically says things that are hurtful and she does it to provoke a reaction.

[treborrobert]

hold on a min ...first you say she has nobody... and she lives alone.. and the only person she has is her son...and you laught behind her back she see you and you expect her to laugh as well ??? ..and you say if you have kids she is not see them ??? ..who the hell do you think you are !! can you not see that she is lonely and saying anything for attantion... and you say somethings wrong with her ??? !!!!.. i hope your boyfriend dumps you and help his mum ..as you are one selfish person..think before you say anything get round there help her take her out shoping with you be a friend as well as inlaws... can you not see she neads you both !...i can see your bf see the problem and turns to you with a smile of support...look she neads help not doctor or anything like that its family help lonerlyness is a very bad .. dont call her help her

[northernmonkey]

Wow - she sound's very welcoming.
Sounds like she is either in the Dingle / Slater or Platt family!!

[northernmonkey]

All Jokes aside -
I'm not suprised that your BF's Dad started heavily drinking - But overall it seem's like she has got a Mental Health Issue - but unless she is willing to admit that & go to GP ect then nothing really that can be done.

[smart1]

She could just be jealous of your relarionship with her son. Mum's tend to be possessive of sons. I speak from experience.

[treborrobert]

if she seen you laugh at her she will not trust you. she will see you as a problem..you nead to continue going up.. tell her on her own the laugh was a personal laugh about something that happened earlyer... i think she has picked up on the way you see her.yes you are right you dont have to go up there.. but in the long run will it realy help ? dont see her has looppy .. see her as lonerly and it will all make sence as you can see with my spelling i am not !00% but i am not stupid ...if you know what i mean

[treborrobert]

pick up on what your bf sister said about its not the same now he has left home and also what you said... first her husband left then son left then her sister stoped going round now you are thinking of not going round..you now the more you loose the more you push them away ..its a way they think they are in control ...when realy they loose everthing.. your bf will not turn his back on his mother.. tell him to read what i put see if he agrees...apart from the statment about me call you sorry about that ..out of order on my part... just made me angery read what you put

[CAJ1]

treborrobert I think it was a bit uncalled to say I am selfish and you hope my boyfriend dumps me. I have been up there twice a week for the last 3 and a half years, I have ignored her calling me a c*nt and telling me to get the f*ck out of her house. If you had children would you want to leave them in her care by herself?

I understand that she has some sort of mental health issue and I'm sure it can't be easy but on the other hand she can't go around saying things like that to people, kicking dogs and seeking attention without people getting fed up with it. My boyfriend also gets fed up with it, I apologised once I saw that she was upset by us laughing, my apology was greeted by silence and then she laid into her son bringing up everything possible to upset him.

I have told him he can go up there as much as he wants but I will not be going with him, I have no obligations to visit her and will not put up with it. She must know on some level she shouldn't talk to people like that as she wouldn't talk to someone in the street like that. As for getting her help, I for one will not be suggesting she goes to the doctors, she cannot recognise she has a problem.

[treborrobert]

yes i agree.. but as i said she will hurt her son and you anyway she can because she is all messed up ...but the big question is WHY... its been going on for years by the sound of it....was she young when she had her first child....sounds like yes to me...and she probly feels she missed out on a lot when she was younger by geting pregnent it can be many things

[CAJ1]

But how do we make her see that it is not acceptable to treat us like that? I can see how it is easy for her to treat us like that because she knows she can get away with it. She never apologises for anything she says which makes it harder to forgive her, we are all prone to emotional outbursts!

Yes she was young when she got pregnant, I think she was 17. I suspect she has always been this way since birth though and its not just a reaction to feeling like she's missed out.

I noticed from your post above that you are not 100% (your words! :) ), how do you deal with it?