maternity leave after stillbirth

[bednobs]

Hi, sorry to go on :)
I had a stillborn daughter 2 weeks ago. Because i was nearly 29 weeks pregnant i am still entitled to maternity leave. I have a scheme at work where you get:
8 weeks full pay
18 weeks 1/2 pay+SMP
13 weeks SMP only
13 weeks unpaid (or the annual leave you have accrued if you like) I have accrued 24 days of A/l till April 2011

During the 1/2 pay + smp period, it will probably make a difference of about 200 quid per week to me, which we could manage on. Anyway, work are asking me to fill in the forms of how much leave i want to take and i just can't decide. I don't have a baby to look after, and TBH probably not much to do. on the other hand, i am certainly NOT ready to even talk to anyone, let alone return to work. Clearly work need to make some plans around me not being there/coming back, but it's going to be really important how i fill the form in because i can only change it with 56 days written notice. Hmmm. What to do? Any advice please?

[Nosha123]

really sorry to hear your news - and I dont have an answer for you - other than have you been put in touch with any other parents-to-be who have suffered the same?

Maybe if you found a support group of people who have experienced this already - you may be able to ask them what they did?

Although ultimately every one is different - and it depends how much time you need to grieve before you are ready to make a start to recovery.

[bednobs]

i know, that's what is making it so difficult - how am i supposed to know when that will be??

[Old_Geezer]

Off the top of my head I'd suggest asking for the max with the assumption that they'll be happy to get you back earlier, if you reach a stage where you feel work will occupy your mind and help with the healing process. Presumably easier to get agreement to come back early than to extend an agreed period.

[bednobs]

well, they are not going to get cover for me as far as i know.

[tigwig]

Hi bednobs, I would do what old geezer suggests and put the maximum time down on the form just in case you need all the time but say to your boss that you may or may not return earlier if you feel up to it.
Obviously you are not going to be able to decide anything like this at the moment and work should understand.
Take care hun and if you want to let out your feelings on here I personally wouldn't mind and I'm sure others wouldn't. Thats what we are here for!

[anneasquith]

how you today bednobs, agree with last post, you can always change your mind, do your employers consider "phased return " to work.

[karenmac60]

Bednobs, how are you after today? I was thinking about you as I'm sure a lot of folk on here were x

[bednobs]

i feel ok thanks. it was lovely and sunny here (better than raining when standing by a graveside). i managed to say my words without too many tears. The coffin was so small it broke my heart all over again. As predicted, seeing my husband carry her was the worst of all.
it's sh it, but there you go

[Mamyalynne]

Am so glad the sun shone for little Heather and you and MrB too, take all the time you need and ask work to be flexible with you, you cannot see it now but one day you will want to leave the house and talk to others just take each day as it comes.

M♥

[ttfn]

Dear bednobs - my love goes to you all. Well done to the two of you, and I am so pleased the sun shone for little Heather ♥

[mrs_overall]

Bednobs, I haven't stopped thinking about you for days.
If you want to chat to someone who has been through this, drop me a line
[email protected]

[lucca]

bednobs - I don't have the answer to your question, but just wanted to add my support to you and your fella. What a terrible experience - I really feel for you. SANDS (Stillbirth and neonatal death society) may well be able to advise you.

[zzxxee]

hi bednobs just read this im so sorry for your loss xxx
my heart goes out to you and your family i wish you peace at this sad time x

[Jessi-9]

Sorry for your loss xx

[ummmm]

Don't know what to say bednobs. I'm not comparing this in anyway but...when my Dad died (I adored the man) I went back to work within a few weeks. I got laid off about 10 months later and felt I was on the edge of a breakdown. I didn't give myself enough time to come to terms with it and work just took my mind off things.

I did also have many other close family deaths in a short space of time and OH thought it was best that I stay at home and deal with my grief...in private ( to a certain extent) to cry when I want to, to go through the what ifs and to never have to put a brave face on things.

I know you can't compare losing a parent to losing a child...but it took me about two years to recover fully.

You take your time.....let yourself grieve naturally and it might help you be strong for your partner.


xxx

[Goodsoulette]

Bednobs, I am so sorry to hear about your hard time. I hope you get all the support and strength you need to get through this, I don't think you need to fill anything in, my love, and they certainly shouldnt be pushing yout o do so. they should be assuming that you are going to be taking the full 52 weeks, you do not have to give them notice that you will be returning then, the only time you have to give them notice is if you return early. So if you feel you would be ready in 8 weeks to return, then notify them. You have been through something very traumatic and if it were too early for you after you returned, I am almost certain you could get signed off by your doctor,

[Nosha123]

I hope you and your husband manage to get through the coming days, weeks and months OK. Support each other and find your inner strength... you can get through this bednobs... and I know it sounds super corny.. but time really is a great healer!

Good Luck!

[joko]

perhaps just explain that as you really have no idea when you will feel ready you think its fair to them to apply for the maximum..to allow them forewarnimng, but that you may come back sooner...

i am sure theyunderstand that in this case it would be impossible to put a number on this, and they will appreciate your honesty and desire to lessen the upheaval as much as you can

[cabernet]

The law should be changed, you should be allowed significant time of work for emotional reasons alone. A still birth that late is tough.