should u ever give up on your own child

[tillyh345]

Would you ever cut off your own child? Do you know anyone that has and in what circumstances?

[sara3]

why don't you just tell us what your problem is?

[andy-hughes]

I hope I would never be in a situation where that would feel like an option.

We went through a terrible couple of years when our oldest daughter went off the rails - she moved out of hime at sixteen - but we hung on, kept in touch, kept our love going, and she 'came back' in the end.

[KARL]

As indicated by Sara, one gets the feeling there is something unsaid in this question.

While besotted and adversely influenced by a spoiled girl, our son who previously was a source of pride for his honesty, good nature, achievements, etc. went hugely out of character and lost focus on his studies, was attracted to posing and living beyond his means and, worst of all, started lying to us. We made it clear we were not going to finance his lifestyle and his education costs would henceforth be reimbursed on successful exam results (no reimbursement if he failed). We have no regrets over this decision, but our relationsip with him (mine in particular) although amicable has never recovered to the the close friendship we had and he continues to lack proper connection to reality. He owes a ridiculous amount of money to the banks (nothing to show for it), the girl dropped him after draining his wallet, He failed to achieve his potential educationally but is in a fairly safe although financially poorly rewarding job. In short, he has let himself down much more than he has us but this was his choice from the age of 18 onwards and we feel it is not for us to "make" his life. Once we are dead that prop would abruptly disappear, and then what ? Ours was not a case of giving up, more like drawing the boundaries clearly and sticking to them.

I know of a woman now in her mid forties who became a drug addict as a teenager, progressing to heroin, whose parents "gave up" on her - and I can understand people trying to haul someone up for so long, but only so long. She then decided, all by herself, to reform herself. She went to her parents yet again for financial assistance and they provided it. She became "clean" and remains so to this day but it cost her 15 years of her life and quite a bit of permanent damage to her health too plus she has no recollection of any major world events of the period when she was "out of it"

[welshlibranr]

Hi tilly, I too get the feeling that there's mor to this question, but in general, No I cannot ever think that I could give up on any of my children!.............

[Brinjal]

I think the door always has to open (except for Ian Huntly) but that does not mean you have to be finacially responsible or have your life disrupted by unruly or unacceptable behaviour. If someone has gone off the rails and are not wanting a relaionship with parents you have to let it go until they come round to a diferent way of thinking... its not possible to save someone from themselves.

[tigersam258]

I think that it is very difficult to answer this question until you are in the situation. Unfortunately love is blind and even those that have performed the worst of attrocities still receive love from their family. I think that there is a difference between giving up and forgiveness. I doubt that even his parents could forgive Ian Huntley but I would imagine that they would not give up on him.

[andy-hughes]

True Brinjal - our daufghter was the rebel without a brain for a few years, but did mature in the end.

However, throughout that time, we never lost touch, which was important.

As I said to her when she told me she hated me - "I don't hate you, I just hate the way you behave at the moment."

[joeluke]

I'd disown my son if he turned out to be a murderer, paedo, rapist or gay

[wolf63]

joeluke - I wouldn't disown then just because they are gay - that's petty and cruel.

I don't have children but my mother used to say that you didn't have to 'like' your children but you should always 'love' them.

[Whoever]

I think there are probably certain situations where, if your child has become a drug addict or alcholic, for example, and is hell bent on destroying themselves after you've given them all the support you can, then you probably have no option but to let them get on with it. People do have to take responsibility for their own lives. You can't molly coddle & support children for ever, especially once they've become adults. To financially support an addict of any kind merely fuels their addiction. Sometimes tough love is the only kind that works.

[4getmenot]

absolutely agree with whoever. You can give a person so much but in the end they can only help themselves

[Brinjal]

My friend is a GP and his son stole drugs from his medical bag. He said to his son you have exactly two minutes to put them back or I have you arrested. The drugs were returned but the boy walked out. The door was always open and even tho the boy still has a drug problem his father is always there for when he is trying to kick the habit.