Step kids and discipline!

[wiggal]

Hey guys,

Hope you are all well?

Ok, just thought I would ask this as me and OH have differnt views!
If you have stepkids or kids of your own and a new partner, how far does the step parent go with telling the kids what to do and stuff!?

My OH has said tonight that he wants me to tell his kids off if need be or tell them what to do, and that to me is a bit weird!?

I said to him, what if I was to tell them off or to do something and they went back and said something to their mum, it wouldnt be long before she was on the phone wanting to know what right I have telling her kids what to do?

He says he wants them to gain respect for me, instead of thinking I will just sit there and let them do what they want when he is out of the room.

Just some input please! :-)

[wiggal]

His kids are 10 (son) and 13 (daughter) and I am 23 btw!

[sherrardk]

What do you do if you are on your own with them and they do something that they shouldn't? If you are both their, then your OH should probably step in first but if you are with them by yourself then you have to feel able to tell them off or tell them to stop doing what they are doing.

[sherrardk]

How do you get on with their Mum? Surely she wouldn't want you to just sit there and let them be cheeky, etc and to just take it? It's not doing the kids any good if you do - they need to have boundaries with all grown-ups.

[wiggal]

Luckily sherrard, that has not happened yet!

It started because I got annoyed in the car because his son was being loud and I flinched (I seem to be very sensitive to loud noises!) and when my OH saw me flinch, he said something about me being miserable (that makes him sound out of order but it wasnt.) They were having a laugh and a sing song in the car home from a weekend away.

I just got annoyed because he didnt tell his boy to be quiet. When i said about it when we got home, he said if I had a problem, I should have told him to quieten down, to which I replied that I am in no place to tell them what to do! He said yes I am, being his partner, they should learn to listen and respect me.

[wiggal]

Umm, well I have spoken to their mum once, very briefly when she came up to introduce her self to me at the car when we picked them up once and to say thank you for being nice to her kids.

My OH doesnt talk to her, or more she wont talk to him, and he has to text his daughter to find out about weekend plans as his ex ignores him.

[sherrardk]

If a grown up was in your car and was getting on your nerves - would you say something? I am pretty sure I would. Your OH is probably right - he is used to the noise but I am sure he would tell them to be quiet if they were getting on his nerves. Me and my husband have different tolerance levels to different situations but you just have to compromise. You don't have to take 'it' because they are not your children, if I am have the kids friends round and they don't behave they get told (I am quite soft though) and I expect my kids friends' parents to do the same. It's no different for you.

[boxtops]

I don't have stepkids but this is kind of related to a discussion I had yesterday - that if youngsters are in my house, they abide by my rules, and I think you can do the same - if you are caring for the step-children, you have every right to lay down your own ground rules for when they are with you. If you do it differently and only their dad disciplines them, they won't respect you - they will try to get away with bad behaviour or with stuff you don't approve of.
If your OH won't talk to his ex, would he mind if you do? It means he doesn't know what boundaries she's setting either - kids are wily, you don't want them to be playing adults off against each other.

[wiggal]

Knowing me I would not say anything in that situation as I am known for being a walk over and am often told I need to grow some balls and stand up for myself! That may be part of my issue!

I have found myself wanting to say something to them at times, but then I dont becuase I dont want my other half to be getting the phone call from his ex and me causing him anymore crap!

[wiggal]

Hey boxtops,

Me talking to his ex would be a big no no, just generally because of the whole situation and us and things! So that is not an option I'm afraid.

With you saying if they are in my house they abide by your rules, that I get completely. But then I kind of think hang on, he pays the rent and lived here before I came along (only for a matter of weeks mind you). Just makes me question what right I have myself I guess.

[society]

If it was me I'd leave the disciplining of HIS kids up to him. I've seen similar situation happened top my sister and the child now resents my sister for telling her what was best for her. (husband child)

[wiggal]

Ta for coming to see society :-)

For along time I didnt have a good relationship, or much off one at all with my stepmum. Infact she made my life hell and I used to go home after seeing my dad in tears because of how she was to me. So I dont really know what to expect or do.

My stepdad came along when I was 4, and has been with my mum as long as I remember, and although for many years things were tough between us, I love him to pieces!

His kids are fantastic, really great and we get on fine, I just dont want to cause my OH any sh!t with his ex.

[society]

I understand. Kids need love, respect and kindness. Everything else 'falls' in place when that is shown.

[RATTER15]

I have been in this position a brought up my ex wives children, I treated them exactly the same way as my own children, I don't see there is any other way to be honest.

[wiggal]

I said to him tonight that as his OH, I dont have the right to tell them what to do or tell them off or anything, he asked where I had got that thought from and I said from my step parents. He thinks thats really odd.

I'm just confused!

[boxtops]

Wiggal, perhaps you have to try to forget how it was for you as a child, and try to look at it now from your adult perspective. It is hard, but how would you have liked it to be when you were little? It's not a question of rights, IMO - but of joint decisions and shared standards about how the pair of you will bring up the children on the occasions when you are looking after them (you = both of you, not one or the other). Keep talking to your OH about it. If you live with him, then you do have a say in matters, don't believe that you don't.

[wiggal]

Hey ratter, I dont have children of my own.. We got together in February so it is in a way still pretty new to me.

I had been with my ex 6 yrs, since I was 17 and did the whole thing of thinking I was going to be with him forever and we would have kids and stuff. Then I met my OH and things all changed pretty quickly.

I also am wary as he only moved out of the family home at the beginning of Feb, we got together and I moved in at the end of Feb.

Boxtops, I tried talking to him tonight, but he just didnt seem fussed and went for a lie down, and that is where he still is now!

[society]

Perhaps something else is bothering him Wiggal. After a nights' rest he might be in a better frame of mind.

[wiggal]

I hope so. I know he is very tired today as he wasnt well last night and we didnt get a good nights sleep, might just go give him a cuddle, see if I get sny response to that.

[society]

Things will work out, don't worry... All the best. x

[B00]

I can see it from your partners point of view.

Mr Boo isn't elder Mini Boo's dad, however he helped bring her up since she was 6. If she ever did anything wrong when i wasn't around though, the git would wait till i was home and say "she's done this" or "she's said that" and expect me to then tell her off/punish her. He didn't want to be seen as the bad guy. It got bloody tiresome after a few years as I always felt she did the "crime" and I was the one who got a rollocking!