My niece doesn't like women.

[Andyvon]

My wife and I have just been baby-sitting my niece (K) who has just turned 3 (and we are shattered!) K has a cough and couldn't go to child-care today and my brother and SIL were stuck as they had meetings at work.

I spent all day playing with K. However, whenever my wife tried to go near her K would get angry and kick and push my wife away. I felt unhappy for my wife of course but what could I do? My sister-in-law says that K is the same with her aunts, grandmothers, the child carer and women in general. She's OK with her Mum and has no problems with men. I suggested to my SIL that perhaps things aren't right with the child carer but SIL assures me that the child carer is "very good with K and K is just going through a phase".

Well, it seems odd to me. I think she's having problems with a woman and that can only be the child minder who looks after one other child and her own two. She's the only regular female contact K has every day. Having done voluntary work with adults who were abused as children most of them cite the women 'carers' as being the ones who screamed at them, humiliated them and subjected them to all manner of punishments for bedwetting etc. Very few had problems with men. I've voiced my suspicions to my SIL but she's dismissed it and far be it for me to poke my nose in too far and cause problems.

I would like to ask the AB parents whether children do go through 'phases' like this? If not, do my suspicions of the child minder sound right? I've never had children but my common sense and reading of the situation makes me think something's wrong.

[ummmm]

You're jumping to conclusions..

Children go through no end of phases. If the child minder was doing anything wrong then the Mother would know about it everytime she dropped her off. At 3 they are not ones for keeping secrets...

[sherrardk]

Hi andyvon, my memory is terrible so I can't comment on my older children but with my twins (who will be 3 in March) I can confirm that they do go through phases. It is particularly noticeable when you have two children of the same age who go everywhere together and share the same experience and meet the same people. F will go to anyone whilst D will not, for ages F would not go to her Dad, and both would not go anywhere near my mother for a time. If your SIL thinks it is a phase and is happy for her to go to the child minded then maybe you could just ask her how K is getting on next time you speak to her.

[Andyvon]

Good Lord Ummm. Many children do keep secrets when they are told to "or else". As I mentioned a couple of years ago I was told to keep a secret from my parents by my headmaster when I was 6 - and I didn't tell anyone until I was 44! My mind shut it away until it came out then! I know of many other people who are the same.

[karenmac60]

My daughter, and many of my cousins, went through phases of being 'strange' with one gender or another around the age of 3. None of them were being abused or anything, they just developed a wee dislike of a section of society, which they soon grew out of. I think it's natural - by all means keep an eye on her, but maybe having worked with adults who were formerly abused you are seeing things that are not there.

[karenmac60]

There is a big difference between a 3 year old and a 6 year old Andy.

[DTCwordfan]

very much phases - and, at that age, they can be masters of the "play one off against the other art" - unity and communication between you both are essential.......

[Andyvon]

Hi Sherrard.

You are right about keeping distant from it as that is exactly what I intend to do. As I said, far be it for me to poke my nose in. If children do go through these phases then I'm happy with that, especially if my SIL is. I didn't know children go through such phases as the last three years have been my only real close contact with a child (I've learned an awful lot!)

[ljdksa]

All of mine had phases of loving a family member one minute and ignoring them the next. I felt bad when they did it to my mum, because she just adored them. Small children have no tact. If they are annoyed with anything at all, they are happy to take it out on whoever is there. They've all outgrown it now. The only issue that crossed my mind with your niece, is perhaps she associates the female childminder with "mummy going out." Could be as simple as that.

[Andyvon]

All the answers are saying much the same thing so I'm feeling much happier about it now. My SIL certainly dismissed the idea but at least I put my concerns forward. I recognise what you say about feeling bad for your mum Ljdksa. I feel exactly the same for my wife when she's pushed away and my SIL says she feels the same for her mother and sisters.

[sherrardk]

Hi Anyvon, our eldest went to a childminder and as soon as we experienced a 'bad' vibe we took him out - nothing sinister, just not the standard of care I was expecting. I am sure your SIL will have the same instincts and will act accordingly. I think it is very kind of you to be so concerned about something like this, but that you may be jumping the gun because of your past experiences. Small children are strange creatures and can be very fickle, I would not be surprised if next time you saw K she was all over your wife and hiding away from you!

[ummmm]

They rarely do at 3 Andy as they wouldn't know what 'or else' means. They also do not know how to hide their feelings.

[karenmac60]

Ooh, ljdksa could have a point there. My mum told me that when I was about that age she got an evening job, but I hated her going out. It got to the stage that when my dad came home from work I'd throw a tantrum and start screaming because I knew my mum was going to work. She ended up quitting the job till I was a bit older and I stopped the tantrums when my dad came in - so it could be some sort of association with that.

[Andyvon]

Thank you Sherrard.

I hope so! I'm now concerned what Pinki said - because I wear glasses!

I must say that I never realised until K came along how much work and input is involved in raising a child. My brother and his wife were up every two hours feeding her when she was a baby and now they are constantly exhausted. I'm not surprised! I ache in places I didn't know I had. I now look at parenst in a whole new light.

[Andyvon]

Thank you Pinki. I'll do just that. I also recognise what you are saying as it's upsetting for all the women involved with K as all they want to do is hug her and she responds with that anger. I feel bad for my wife as she looks quite upset by it. Any concerns I had until 30 minutes ago have now been allayed so I'll think about the matter no more. I know I wouldn't have any problems with your child on the curly hair issue - but perhaps twenty years ago........................!

Thank you everyone for your answers as it's settled me now and assured me everything is OK.

[joko]

you have at least sown a seed...