News2 mins ago
A few funnies for friday ?
8 Answers
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
**
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.
**
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
**
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
**
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
**
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
**
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
**
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
**
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"It’s alright boys," shouts the barman “he's one of us”.
**
Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
**
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
**
The End
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
**
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.
**
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
**
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
**
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
**
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
**
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
**
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
**
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"It’s alright boys," shouts the barman “he's one of us”.
**
Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
**
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
**
The End
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