Jokes of the day

[hollie1586]

A woman goes to the doctor and she has a piece of lettuce stuck in the top of her knickers. Doctor says "whats wrong here then?" woman says "oh doctor...that's just the tip of the iceberg"

This is my joke of the day...whats yours?

[Ann]

WE LOVE TIM VINE JOKES ......here a few

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?." "

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

[marval]

I saw an advertisement for a school that claimed it could teach anyone to drive a car in five minutes or less. I called them up and asked "How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?"
They answered "It's a crash course."

[Smowball]

Lol oh god all these made me laugh! very very funny

[Smowball]

I've been on the vokda and coke diet - I've lost two days already!

[hollie1586]

A guy walks into a chip shop with a cod under his arm. “Here, do you sell Fish Cakes?”, chip shop guy says “sorry No”. “Shame that, it was his birthday today”.

[hollie1586]

Did you hear about the shrimp that went to a prawn’s cocktail party?
He pulled a mussel

[marval]

An injured dog limps into a bar on three legs, and says, “I’m lookin’ for the guy who shot my paw!”

[pa___ul3]

a screwdriver walks into a bar and the barman goes "hey mate, we've got a drink named after you!".. the screwdriver goes "what, you've got a drink called a Kevin!?!"

a sausage and an egg are in a frying pan, the sausage goes "it's hot in here isn't it!?"
The egg goes "JESUS CHRIST A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"

[hollie1586]

lol love the sausage and egg joke ha ha

[janzman]

I just spent 20 minutes on the telephone to the Ramblers Association...that guy just went on...and on...and on...and on...

[DTCwordfan]

I'm still laughing at the one that goes:

What's black and has broken arms?

Gadaffi's sunglasses.

[marval]

Q : Why did the blonde women bring a ladder to the pub


A : Because she heard drinks were on the house

[joeluke]

Christmas cracker type jokes the lot of them

[DTCwordfan]

the original OP joke............cos?

[boxtops]

A horse goes into a bar.
The barman says "hey horse, wassup - why the long face?"

[boxtops]

LOL @ space cadet :-)

[sophie_1003]

Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
Because if it was small, white and smooth it'd be a paracetamol.

[DTCwordfan]

lol space cadet.

I am leaving for Boston in the morning and this is "Chinese" torture....almost of rocket proportions.....

[Marijn]

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."