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Cat Rules
1. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door open, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; sulks get the quickest reaction. Once door is open, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
2. If you have to urge, get to a comfy chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When burping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
3. Always accompany guests to the bathroom, it is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
4. If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping." Humans are known to refer to it as hampering".
The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
5. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with their coordination skills.
6. Show interest only in computers that are turned on. The operator will need your help.
Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
Keyboards are great for lounging. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and Ctrl-Alt-Del. When human is at the computer, jump on the desk, scatter any paper or other materials that might be present in order to help human with organization, and then lie down on top of keyboard. If human is online, this may cause modem to disengage, which is particularly useful. Surfing the web is wasteful activity and there are many sites that are not good for the human to see. The human will thank you for allowing him to make better use of his time.
Human may pick you up and place you to the side of the keyboard. It is good to continually reach put paws and touch keys randomly, and from time to time knock keyboard off table altogether. Humans love this activity. It keeps them physically fit and is excellent for abdominal tone-ups. Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice. Last, but not least... Human legs make great scratching posts, especially effective when they have a full cup of hot coffee in their hand.
2. If you have to urge, get to a comfy chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When burping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
3. Always accompany guests to the bathroom, it is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
4. If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping." Humans are known to refer to it as hampering".
The following are the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
5. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms;
2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with their coordination skills.
6. Show interest only in computers that are turned on. The operator will need your help.
Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
Keyboards are great for lounging. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and Ctrl-Alt-Del. When human is at the computer, jump on the desk, scatter any paper or other materials that might be present in order to help human with organization, and then lie down on top of keyboard. If human is online, this may cause modem to disengage, which is particularly useful. Surfing the web is wasteful activity and there are many sites that are not good for the human to see. The human will thank you for allowing him to make better use of his time.
Human may pick you up and place you to the side of the keyboard. It is good to continually reach put paws and touch keys randomly, and from time to time knock keyboard off table altogether. Humans love this activity. It keeps them physically fit and is excellent for abdominal tone-ups. Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice. Last, but not least... Human legs make great scratching posts, especially effective when they have a full cup of hot coffee in their hand.
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