50 Shades of Chav...

[NOX]

My ex just sent this to me in an email...lol...is this more what life is really like?
“As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight” “ It was Wayne’s birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus pancakes and pot noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called the dogs of war. Where he took me from behind and played call of duty at the same time” “our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter that white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for “ I Love You” As I stood in line at the job centre thinking of reasons I couldn’t work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, BO and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn’t be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same.” “My mum told me to leave Dwayne many times due to violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had **** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up a power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again and again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi-on which is rare as crack normally played havoc with his erections.......................”
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[tonyav]

LOL, very good.

[Frank97]

:-)

[Sqad]

EXCELLENT......good on yer Dwayne.

[chi-chi66]

lol...brings to mind

http://www.mobbly.com.../06/Rab-C-Nesbitt.jpg

[tonyav]

Oi, he's nicked my vest !

[whiskeryron]

What a lovely tale, I wonder if I can get it in hardback at my local public library or perhaps inscribed on vellum so that it could be framed & hung on my bedroom wall.

W Ron.

[chi-chi66]

no..I found this of you together............

<<<<<runs for cover>>>>>

http://www.mobbly.com.../06/Rab-C-Nesbitt.jpg

[whiskeryron]

That I like

WR

[tonyav]

Same link chi chi.

[chi-chi66]

ooops..wrong one..

http://img.metro.co.u...78-418869_636x325.jpg

[tonyav]

Now I know where both me vests have gone !

[TOWIE]

Very funny (:o)

[EcclesCake]

Jeez, I hate it when my diary goes viral.......

[tonyav]

lol @ eccles.

[tenrec]

Sorry, but that's not right. You wouldn't have Findus crispy pancakes AND Pot Noodles at the same meal. It's just not right.

[Smowball]

And they say romance isnt dead........ lol,very funny.

[nellypope]

Genius genius . . . Will keep me smiling today :-D

[Duncer]

Brilliant - after a sh1tty late shift that cheered me up no end.

[erin-x]

Haha!! I think I used to go to school with these people.... =s

[DaisyNonna]

Cobblers