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The Irish Lady's CV
80 Answers
Born : Siobhan 'gness' O'Gorblimey - Nicker, Limerick 1957
Father : Dermot O'Logist - travelling ointment salesman
Mother : Iona Chemist - pharmacist
< Dermot was flogging his unguents around the West of Ireland when he met the bewitching Iona at the annual Nicker Fertility Ceilidh ... to the strains of The Nicker Elastic Band they plighted their troth with predictable consequences >
Education : Nicker National School
Limerick Vocational School - JCE in Woodwork, Ancient Greek and Irish Cultural Studies - these were awarded for a single piece of work - a hand carved leprechaun, which was wearing a toga and recited "There was a young woman from Bude..." when you pressed its navel.
Muff Diving Club - PADI certificate ( http://www.muffdivingclub.ie/ )
Siobhan had always been a bit accident prone - the incident with the wetsuit and the cucumber still makes at least one member of the MDC turn a very interesting 40 shades of green.
Married #1 : 1978 Peter 'plenty' O'Toole
Divorced #1 : 1979 - the first successful divorce in Ireland to cite the Trades Descriptions Act
Married #2 : 1989 Aristotle O'Taxis - owner of "Ari's Kebab and Taxi Shop", Granileg, Co. Kerry
Divorced #2 1990 - the arrival of four taxis, simultaneously, from all points of the compass at 80mph, 'taking out' the kebab factory is still spoken of with awe in Granileg - Siobhan was the 'despatcher' at the time ... Ari was not 'appy
Career Highlights :
Miss Rosebud of Kerry 1975 - subsequently disqualified when she advised the visiting English priest, who was chair of the judges panel, "me name is pronounced shove horn and take yer hand off me arse"
Miss Kettering 2012 (sponsored by AB interweb plc) - an unlikely winner (at approximately twice the age of all the other entrants), but the rumours that 'she knew where the gnomes were buried' have never been proved.
Current Status :
Gness has no visible means of support - indeed the mere suggestion of VPL has caused many strong men to wish they'd kept their opinions to themselves.
She cuts a swathe through the tradesmen of the East Midlands - many are called, but few are returned.
A shadowy alliance with the famous super model Evangeline Overall (known only as 'the left handed tassel twirlers') is rumoured to be part of a secretive underground network of sewing machine and mackerel traffickers, controlled by the mysterious 'mopedboy' - nothing has ever been proved ...
"The Curious Incident of the AA Man in the Night Time" ( http://
[email protected]
Father : Dermot O'Logist - travelling ointment salesman
Mother : Iona Chemist - pharmacist
< Dermot was flogging his unguents around the West of Ireland when he met the bewitching Iona at the annual Nicker Fertility Ceilidh ... to the strains of The Nicker Elastic Band they plighted their troth with predictable consequences >
Education : Nicker National School
Limerick Vocational School - JCE in Woodwork, Ancient Greek and Irish Cultural Studies - these were awarded for a single piece of work - a hand carved leprechaun, which was wearing a toga and recited "There was a young woman from Bude..." when you pressed its navel.
Muff Diving Club - PADI certificate ( http://www.muffdivingclub.ie/ )
Siobhan had always been a bit accident prone - the incident with the wetsuit and the cucumber still makes at least one member of the MDC turn a very interesting 40 shades of green.
Married #1 : 1978 Peter 'plenty' O'Toole
Divorced #1 : 1979 - the first successful divorce in Ireland to cite the Trades Descriptions Act
Married #2 : 1989 Aristotle O'Taxis - owner of "Ari's Kebab and Taxi Shop", Granileg, Co. Kerry
Divorced #2 1990 - the arrival of four taxis, simultaneously, from all points of the compass at 80mph, 'taking out' the kebab factory is still spoken of with awe in Granileg - Siobhan was the 'despatcher' at the time ... Ari was not 'appy
Career Highlights :
Miss Rosebud of Kerry 1975 - subsequently disqualified when she advised the visiting English priest, who was chair of the judges panel, "me name is pronounced shove horn and take yer hand off me arse"
Miss Kettering 2012 (sponsored by AB interweb plc) - an unlikely winner (at approximately twice the age of all the other entrants), but the rumours that 'she knew where the gnomes were buried' have never been proved.
Current Status :
Gness has no visible means of support - indeed the mere suggestion of VPL has caused many strong men to wish they'd kept their opinions to themselves.
She cuts a swathe through the tradesmen of the East Midlands - many are called, but few are returned.
A shadowy alliance with the famous super model Evangeline Overall (known only as 'the left handed tassel twirlers') is rumoured to be part of a secretive underground network of sewing machine and mackerel traffickers, controlled by the mysterious 'mopedboy' - nothing has ever been proved ...
"The Curious Incident of the AA Man in the Night Time" ( http://
[email protected]
Answers
Brilliant Dave, brilliant - with the advantage of having met "Siobhan"
A Soliloquoy about Gness
“I make my way back whistling. Dave nods towards Mrs Gness who is standing beside the supermarket trolleys.
Morning, Gness, I say cheerfully.
I push her purchases, mainly garden centre chainsaws, paint brushes, serrated knives, hoes, bird seed and goat feed out to the car.
Things are something terrible, she says. You can't trust anybody.
No.
It's come to a sorry pass.
It has.
There's hormones in the beef and tranquillizers in the bacon. There's men with breasts and women with mickeys. All from eating meat. And I have Tony who think's he's a goat.
Now.
I steer a path between a crowd of people while she keeps step alongside.
Can you believe it - they're feeding me Irish goats Valium now. If you boil a bit of goat meat you have to lie down afterwards. Me feet knackered.
Dear oh dear.
Yes, I nod.
The thought of food makes me ill, a massive Pineapple, Banana, Tuna and Chorizo Pizza on top of the garden items making me ashen-wan.
The goats are getting depressed in those sheds. If they get depressed they lose weight. I'm getting worried about that Tony tethered to his tree. So they tranquillize them. Where will it end?
I don't know, Mrs Gness, I say. I begin filling the boot.
That's why I started buying lamb. Then along came Chernobyl. Now you can't even have lamb stew or you'll light up at night! I swear. And when they've left you with nothing safe to eat, next thing they come along and tell you you can't live in your own house. I've built a bunker you know, full of Midlands men.
I haven't heard of that one, Mrs Brady.
Listen to me. She took my elbow. It could all happen that you're in your own house and the next thing is there's radiation bubbling under the floorboards.
What?
It comes right at you through the foundations. Watch the yogurts. Did you hear of that?
No.
I saw it in Mrs Overall's Champion, with the Answerbank coven. Did you not see it in the Champion? Or was it with me fellow Irishwoman, Sibton, or that Mad Flying Scot, MurrayForthMints?
I might have.
No wonder we're not right.
I brought the lid of the boot down. She sits into the car very decorously and snaps her bag open on her lap. She winds down the window and gives me 50p for myself and £1 for the trolley.”
Am I mad, I think?
Mike1111 will think so.
A Soliloquoy about Gness
“I make my way back whistling. Dave nods towards Mrs Gness who is standing beside the supermarket trolleys.
Morning, Gness, I say cheerfully.
I push her purchases, mainly garden centre chainsaws, paint brushes, serrated knives, hoes, bird seed and goat feed out to the car.
Things are something terrible, she says. You can't trust anybody.
No.
It's come to a sorry pass.
It has.
There's hormones in the beef and tranquillizers in the bacon. There's men with breasts and women with mickeys. All from eating meat. And I have Tony who think's he's a goat.
Now.
I steer a path between a crowd of people while she keeps step alongside.
Can you believe it - they're feeding me Irish goats Valium now. If you boil a bit of goat meat you have to lie down afterwards. Me feet knackered.
Dear oh dear.
Yes, I nod.
The thought of food makes me ill, a massive Pineapple, Banana, Tuna and Chorizo Pizza on top of the garden items making me ashen-wan.
The goats are getting depressed in those sheds. If they get depressed they lose weight. I'm getting worried about that Tony tethered to his tree. So they tranquillize them. Where will it end?
I don't know, Mrs Gness, I say. I begin filling the boot.
That's why I started buying lamb. Then along came Chernobyl. Now you can't even have lamb stew or you'll light up at night! I swear. And when they've left you with nothing safe to eat, next thing they come along and tell you you can't live in your own house. I've built a bunker you know, full of Midlands men.
I haven't heard of that one, Mrs Brady.
Listen to me. She took my elbow. It could all happen that you're in your own house and the next thing is there's radiation bubbling under the floorboards.
What?
It comes right at you through the foundations. Watch the yogurts. Did you hear of that?
No.
I saw it in Mrs Overall's Champion, with the Answerbank coven. Did you not see it in the Champion? Or was it with me fellow Irishwoman, Sibton, or that Mad Flying Scot, MurrayForthMints?
I might have.
No wonder we're not right.
I brought the lid of the boot down. She sits into the car very decorously and snaps her bag open on her lap. She winds down the window and gives me 50p for myself and £1 for the trolley.”
Am I mad, I think?
Mike1111 will think so.
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