How Can I Manage This Without Offence?

[catholic]

I live on the coast and I'm delighted when family come to stay & for that I'm truly grateful. I work full time, have generous holidays but this summer I have plans to catch up with old friends, see my son who lives abroad and catch up with my never ending 'to do' list around the house. My brother is coming to stay but will never give me an idea of how long he'll be with me. I was brought up never to ask "how long are you staying"? as it sounds rude. I really don't want to offend him and it's always lovely to see him. I tried tactfully asking him yesterday saying that I was making plans for the summer. I'll be seeing him in 2 weeks at a wedding and he said we'd discuss it then. Meanwhile I'm putting old friends on hold and just don't know what to do. One Christmas I thought he was with me for 3/4 days but he was with me for 2 weeks. Please, how do I deal with this without giving offence?

[Sqad]

You tell him of your own commitments and then you inform him that you would be delighted to see him in the time available to you both.

[Mamyalynne]

I think you have to be calm and clear, even make a joke of it - but it's your time to manage how you see fit.

Don't allow it to turn into a row.

[andy-hughes]

Family give a lot more leeway than strangers, because they are family.

Just be straight with him, he knows you love him, and you are not being awkward - just explain that you need to make plans, I am sure he will understand better than you imagine.

You can't live your life worrying about not upsetting others at the expense of your own happiness, and I am sure your brother would not want you to, and will be happy to give you a clear plan so you can organise everything.

[MallyJ]

Let him stay but give him your to do list of household stuff then off you go to see your son and deal with other commitments. When you live by the sea people have expectations of a free or really cheap holiday and sometimes you just have to say 'no not this year' or 'not at this time' ...or 'here are the jobs I need doing..crack on and I will join you to finish off when I get back from abroad'. He is your brother he will understand...

[gingejbee]

I'm sorry ...but if anyone comes to stay here, I want to know exactly how long they are staying. It's just "not on" for guests to leave it open-ended...

[woofgang]

Wow! So he doesn’t wait to be asked and doesn’t tell you how long he’d like to stay or consider you at all. I call that rude brother or no brother.

[jamesnan]

When you see him in a couple of weeks, take a copy of your calendar with you, with lots of dates written on it, ie all your plans, and then you can say to him "These are all the dates I will be busy, but would love to see you in between." It is not fair to arrive without a definite date to leave.

[Samuraisan]

We had that happen a couple of years ago with my SIL. It's not as easy as you think to ask how long they will be there. After a week I asked her if she'd like me to put her return ticket ( crossing my fingers she had one !) safe, and then had a peek. It was a long month.

[BagPussAA]

When you see him at the wedding in a couple of weeks, just drop into conversation that you are going to visit your friends on X date and your son on Y date so that he is aware and then just say, I know you are coming to see me so you will just have to let me know when you are coming in between those dates so that I can get things ready for you. Effectively not giving him an option.. You can come between X date and Y date but nothing else.

[catholic]

Thanks to everyone who answered my question & sorry for the late feedback. The visit went without a hitch and my brother helped with jobs that needed doing. We had 5 days of lovely weather before he left so we managed to get out and about too.