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How Do I Make This Right?
12 Answers
Ok, folks. I need your advice on this one. Here's the story.
I had a friend and we were a part of a larger group of friends and we were all part of a local sports club. He and I were really good pals, in fact I would class him as one of my closest pals, we're pretty much the same age, are interested in each others work and share a similar sense of humour and outlook on life. It's worth me mentioning here that I'm female and he's male and we're in our 30s.
Two years into our friendship he introduced me to his girlfriend (who he had started dating around the time we first met). We'd had no reason to meet before but she wanted some work advice and he asked if I would help her. I also think that he was keen for us two women to be friends.
Long-story short, is that over 2-3 months I started to form a relationship with this person but found that some of her ways of thinking and behaviours were not the that of which I was looking for in a friend and it put me in a really awkward situation.
I knew that I was moving away shortly (nobody else knew this yet) and I started to distance myself from the relationship.
A ritual friend asked what was going on (a known gossip) and I declined to explain why said that it would just cause trouble and that my friend would of course not see my perspective on this because it's his girlfriend etc. Anyway, eventually after repeated niggling and pushing I gave in and told Mr Gossip the story, asked him not to repeat it, and he ran right to my friend and told him. By this point I was in the process of moving cross-country.
When I came back to visit a few months later I was invited to the pub with the group, both my friend and Mr Gossip too. My friend wouldn't talk to me and was visibly angry. Mr Gossip said nothing. I left after 30 minutes. This was summer 2019.
Anyway, 2020 rolls along and I have not been able to go back and visit for obvious reasons. I had planned to. One of my big disappointments and mistakes is that I didn't have words with Mr Gossip and that I didn't clear the air with my friend. It is hanging over me.
I've thought about messaging my friend and saying that as soon as I can get back I'd like to meet and grab a coffee just to clear the air- I don't expect we'll be friends again. It feels unresolved. I wanted to do this sooner rather than later.
Or do I just suck it up and say nothing?
Readers might question what took me so long and the sidenote here was that I was going through some serious ill health at the time requiring treatment so I had plenty going on in my life to worry about. I've thankfully had the all-clear since and have a bit more mental bandwidth to process everything.
Like many, in the past year I've been evaluating everything and the loss of my friend is one of the things I feel is unresolved.
What should I do?
I had a friend and we were a part of a larger group of friends and we were all part of a local sports club. He and I were really good pals, in fact I would class him as one of my closest pals, we're pretty much the same age, are interested in each others work and share a similar sense of humour and outlook on life. It's worth me mentioning here that I'm female and he's male and we're in our 30s.
Two years into our friendship he introduced me to his girlfriend (who he had started dating around the time we first met). We'd had no reason to meet before but she wanted some work advice and he asked if I would help her. I also think that he was keen for us two women to be friends.
Long-story short, is that over 2-3 months I started to form a relationship with this person but found that some of her ways of thinking and behaviours were not the that of which I was looking for in a friend and it put me in a really awkward situation.
I knew that I was moving away shortly (nobody else knew this yet) and I started to distance myself from the relationship.
A ritual friend asked what was going on (a known gossip) and I declined to explain why said that it would just cause trouble and that my friend would of course not see my perspective on this because it's his girlfriend etc. Anyway, eventually after repeated niggling and pushing I gave in and told Mr Gossip the story, asked him not to repeat it, and he ran right to my friend and told him. By this point I was in the process of moving cross-country.
When I came back to visit a few months later I was invited to the pub with the group, both my friend and Mr Gossip too. My friend wouldn't talk to me and was visibly angry. Mr Gossip said nothing. I left after 30 minutes. This was summer 2019.
Anyway, 2020 rolls along and I have not been able to go back and visit for obvious reasons. I had planned to. One of my big disappointments and mistakes is that I didn't have words with Mr Gossip and that I didn't clear the air with my friend. It is hanging over me.
I've thought about messaging my friend and saying that as soon as I can get back I'd like to meet and grab a coffee just to clear the air- I don't expect we'll be friends again. It feels unresolved. I wanted to do this sooner rather than later.
Or do I just suck it up and say nothing?
Readers might question what took me so long and the sidenote here was that I was going through some serious ill health at the time requiring treatment so I had plenty going on in my life to worry about. I've thankfully had the all-clear since and have a bit more mental bandwidth to process everything.
Like many, in the past year I've been evaluating everything and the loss of my friend is one of the things I feel is unresolved.
What should I do?
Answers
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I would NEVER advise using text messages where any form of relationship is concerned. It's far too easy to misinterpret their meanings. (Texting is ideal for making and confirming routine appointments but it's a lousy way of dealing with relationships of any kind).
That thing you send texts with is called a 'phone' for a damned good reason: It makes phone calls! My advice is NOT to text your (former) friend but to to PHONE him and say that you're sorry for any ill-feeling that there may have been in the past between you. (DON'T start blaming Mr G, or anyone else for it, as that will force your friend to take sides. Simply say that you're sorry you fell out). Then say that you'd like to meet up for a drink (when the Covid rules allow, of course!).
If the guy makes it clear that he doesn't want to know you, you'll at least be in a position where you know for certain that there's no point in dwelling on the matter any further. If he agrees to meet up with you though, you stand at least a reasonable chance of reconciliation.
That thing you send texts with is called a 'phone' for a damned good reason: It makes phone calls! My advice is NOT to text your (former) friend but to to PHONE him and say that you're sorry for any ill-feeling that there may have been in the past between you. (DON'T start blaming Mr G, or anyone else for it, as that will force your friend to take sides. Simply say that you're sorry you fell out). Then say that you'd like to meet up for a drink (when the Covid rules allow, of course!).
If the guy makes it clear that he doesn't want to know you, you'll at least be in a position where you know for certain that there's no point in dwelling on the matter any further. If he agrees to meet up with you though, you stand at least a reasonable chance of reconciliation.
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Thanks advice. Good advice all round. It's worth a shot so I'm going to get in touch.
@Douglas9401 thanks for asking after the job. Am now interviewing with another company. Have done 3 of the 6 (potentially 7) rounds of interviews on it. Fingers crossed for this one. I need it - financially and for motivation!
@Douglas9401 thanks for asking after the job. Am now interviewing with another company. Have done 3 of the 6 (potentially 7) rounds of interviews on it. Fingers crossed for this one. I need it - financially and for motivation!
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