Anyone got any advice on how to get a four year old to eat?

[tiny e.a]

My boyfriends four year old is an absolutely lovely, well behaved little boy except for at meal times when he becomes a nightmare.
He simply refuses to eat, every meal time, breakfast, lunch and tea is like entering a battle field. He starts sobbing and wailing as if his heart was broken as soon as you put the plate infront of him. He gets himself into a really hysterical state.
We try ignoring him, carry on eating our own meals and tell him as soon as he's eaten his food and stopped screaming we'll pay attention to him. But he will sometimes continue doing this for half an hour and you just can't ignore him for that long.
When we tell him it doesn't matter how much he cries he still has to eat his dinner and he realises his crying isn't helping him he starts intentionally gagging on his food, choking it all back up all over the place. It's disgusting.

A normal dinner time with him takes about an hour and a half to get through because of the constant battling with him, and by then either me or my boyfriend has usually lost our temper and shouted at him, which doesn't help because it makes us feel guilty and gets everyone upset.

We just really don't know what to do to get him eating a normal meal without all the histronics. It's got to the point now where I dread them coming round because I know it will end up like world war three over the pork chops! Any advice would be much appreciated. Any ideas for incentives to make him eat? Punishment if he doesn't? Anything at all?!

[hotpink]

hi tiny, i don't have any kids so my advice is based on what i've seen on tv lol. 1) give him his tea as normal and if he refuses to eat it just say ok, if you're not hungry i'll just put it on the side. do this at every mealtime.. breakfast, lunch and dinner. it may go on for a couple of days and he may start getting very hungry in which case the hunger will take over and he will eat it whatever it is. (although speak to your doctor about doing this, don't want you getting done for child cruelty!) 2) buy big cook little cook on dvd, or something similar. get him involved in making food and get him to decorate his pork chops and peas into a smiley face or something?! 3) buy a plate and some special paints and get him to decorate his own plate to eat off. 4) make a reward chart and if he eats so much a day then he gets a reward. hope you get sorted, i can imagine what a nightmare it is for you

[annie0000]

I know that it sounds cruel, but when you make dinner, don't dish it onto plates leave it in dishes on the table- serve up 3 empty plates and let him put something on his plate if he wants. If he doesn't , leave him - make water freely available, but dont give him any snacks or milk - Try to keep calm, if he doesn't come to the table then ignore him. He will soon get hungry enough to come and get something - It might take a while - if he doesn't, then you may need to consult a doctor, but I am sure that he will cave in if you remain calm and he is given the choice whether to put something on his plate or not. Once he is eating, you can then worry about a balanced diet. My son is very particular about certain foods touching each other, he eats perfectly well if they are not all put on the plate at the same time and he is given a choice.

I know that it is difficult and stressful - it is your instinct to feed and nuture your child, but persevere and keep as calm as you can.

[tiny e.a]

Thanks so much for your answers, I'll try all tactics recommended (better get off to the arts and craft shops for wall chart and plate decprations!). I think the having seperate bowls and just letting him pick is a good idea. Although I do worry because I think left to his own devices he really would never eat anything.

I know it really is best to stay calm but it can be very frustrating when after calmly listening to him wail for half an hour he then decides to spit his mashed potato all over my floor and table! Although I know he's the child and we're the adults so it is up to us not him to be reasonable.

Thanks again, you've both given me some good ideas and some hope that it can be sorted out eventually!

[annie0000]

Meant to add, that it is not really an issue about food, as you said, it is about attention and also control - giving him attention for other things and more control generally - e.g. choosing his clothes - helping choose the shopping etc will probably divert control away from the food. He knows that he has you here, because you would not allow him to starve - I am pretty sure that he wont allow himself to go hungry for long - have you tried the toddler taming book by Christopher Green? He tells the story of a child that wouldn't chew - he said that all he did was put a square of chocolate in the childs mouth and it proved to the parents that there was no reason that the child could not chew - he just chose not to.

[tiny e.a]

I haven't read it no, but the example doesn't surprise me! I think with him alot of it is laziness, he can't be bothered to sit down and eat and he hasn't yet realised that the effort it takes him to resist eating far outweighs the effort it takes to actually eat! Agree though that it is also to some degree about control, he likes to be in charge of whose getting what attention, it's amazing how early in our lives we learn to manipulate!!

[missrandom]

i aggree annie todler taming (and beyond toddlerdom), by chistopher green are really useful books. definately no snacks or milk inbetween meals (although i would let him have fruit). ps annie have you got your gael lindenfield book yet?

[annie0000]

Sorry for the hijack tiny e.a

Hi missrandom - I have Beyond Toddlerdom as well - Are you me in another life?!! Yes I have received the book and am reading it at the moment - I also got "how not to be the perfect family "and am reading it at the same time! I have started letting him help me do things around the house - empty the dishwasher etc and he seems to be happier - and so am I, I hate emptying the dishwasher! He is a bit more talkative as well, he was away for the day with the beavers at the scout millenium camp on Saturday and was chatting away about it, he also came home from school yesterday and told me all about a parrot they had had in for a visit.

I have also told the school to try to see that he doesn't drink anyone elses juice as it sends him loopy - the ball is now in their court as far as his behaviour in class goes, I can't be there to watch him all day.

No further incidents, so far - I think it is just his personality, I watched him the other day when he was told by my husband that he couldn't do something that he wanted to. My younger boy would have stomped about shouting his head off. Craig just clenched his fists, screwed up his eyes and walked away. I think that he just doesn't let his feelings out, so that he builds it up and then takes it out on people at school.

So far, I have noticed that he is definitely not confident, because he can't make up his mind. I gave him some cheesecake - which he finished - I asked if if he liked it and he said that he didn't know. after a bit of persistence he said that he didn't like the top bit but liked the base, but he didn't want to waste it so he just ate it! Wee scone!

How are you and your lot?

[missrandom]

yes sorry tiny. Annie -iam good thanks, your boy sounds so like mine (hes nearly 7), its heartbreaking when they dont answer questions coz they are worried about getting an answer wrong even if its just an opinion on a cake!!(and then eating even if they dont want it, william does that too. he even ate jelly at a friends house, gagging on it as he didnt want to say he didnt like it) then i feel guilty, that he feels he cant give an opinion. you know what though, in a way i think we are quite lucky getting these problems with them now at a young age, as i figure by the time they are teenagers, they'll be assertive enough to say no, to the really important things.......i'm hoping anyway. xx the other book sounds interesting

[annie0000]

I'll let you know what it is like when I have finished - thing is, the only time I get to read really is when I am in bed - and I keep falling asleep, so I have no idea where I am in the book! - What a cutie your William sounds (Craig will be 7 on the 5th of July - Ciar will be 6 on the 9th of August) - tell him to come round to me for tea - no jelly I promise! Craig's friends love coming here for their dinner, cos I give them what they like, don't make them eat their veg and let them play football in the hall - We have a great laugh with them all - I don't think that the other boys parents believe me when I tell that we have burping competitions! However, when Craig goes to their houses, he comes back with excellent table manners. I think that it is all about giving them a range of experience in life so that when they find the confidence they can make their own choices. I hope anyway. XX

[loobylou28]

i have a 4 year old who lives on jam sandwiches (literally!) We have tried everything and have literally succumbed to the fact that he will eat when he wants ( frustrating i know but the only thing the shouting will do is to simply give him more of a complex and a resentment toward food)
I know its difficult hearing them scream for over an hour but time has taught me that he will eat when he's hungry and a doctor told my mum over 40 years ago that no child has voluntarily starved itself to death!
Please try and relax more, there is no sraight answert or quick fix, he will find his way in his own time. If he's happy, healthy and running about laughing, what does it matter if he sits at the table at 4 years of age and eats all j=his greens or not??!! Its taken me a year or more, but trust me when i say live and let live, he'll be happier and so will you. good luck xx (p.s, if you're worried about nutrition, multivits hidden in a juice drink work wonders when there's a dailt battle at the dinner table)

[missrandom]

annie, how funny william is 7 on the 11th july!! sounds like a house he'd love, shame we couldnt be further apart, i think on that other thread about who we are and where we're from, that you said your in Scotland, we are near Heathrow airport!!

[annie0000]

I know Heathrow airport well, used to travel to Reading quite a bit. Well you know where to come on your holidays, but I can't promise you sunshine!

[missrandom]

aah thanks. have u noticed how the kids dont need the sun, we just got back from my sisters in dorset, it was freezing and piddling it down, but we where on the beach and they loved every minute of it. my nan comes from scotland, paisley, years ago, like 60 odd years ago

[ellkat]

hi,,,,i have just registered to the site to get some info on why my 4 year will not swallow her meat!!!
it has just been in the last few months,,,i think,,,,that she will eat everything else but ANY sort of meat,,,it did start off with the chewing of it and she would eat cold meat either by itself or on a sandwich,but in the last few weeks mealtimes are a NITEMARE!! I get sooo frustrated(and i can relate to what loobyloo says) all that shouting and punishment(sitting on stairs,having nothing else but what is on plate)has done is make me more upset and stressed to the absolute maximum!!
Tonight i have come to the internet for help and reassurance that it is not just my child(i no it isnt,still nice to either hear/read thou) as i can do no more...
after reading this page and several others i realise i dont have half as much bother as others!!!
From now on i will only be going down the lines of carbs,veggies,fruit-no crisps,chocolate snacks (aunties and grannys well warned!!) and see where we end up in a few weeks!!
I have to be thankful she is healthy and VERY lively!! i think half the trouble is she is a woman!!lol and the other half of the trouble is she is as stubborn as her daddy!!! x

[tiny e.a]

I'm glad we could be of assistance ellkat!

[aims1202]

It must be really hard going when a child doesnt eat as you worry about them a lot.
It sounds like he is really anxious about food and meal times. Some of the anxiety will come from the adults trying to get him to eat. And the more stressed and angry you get the worse he feels. It is very had to eat when you feel upset or anxious, you may know this from your own experience.
The first thing to do is to relax and forget about getting him to eat. then you need to make it fun. You could cook something together and try some of the things along the way, have lots of fun doing it. Give him lots of praise. Then put what you've made on a plate on the table and all take what you want. if he doesnt eat any dont worry. if he does lots of praise and a prize/treat. Then you could have an indoor picnic on the floor invite his favourite teddies. get him to help prepare the food and everyone just chooses what they want to eat. have lots fun ( i do this with my 4yr old and pretend we're outside saying, look its an areoplane, duck! or pretend theres an annoying fly!) If he eats then lots of praise even if its tiny, if he doesnt dont worry say nothing. If you take the stress out of meals and have fun hes more likely to eat. Children do often refuse to eat just because we want them to so if we act like were not bothered if they do or not they are more likely to.
Remember not to give treats or things they do eat in between meals, so that they are hungry, (fruit or raw veg is good for snacks.)
i really hope it gets better for you both and him and i hope this helps.