should we go?

[Im a BusyBee]

we were at a bbq at the weekend and i said to 1 friend dunno when we will see you all again and she mentioned another person there was having a bbq soon but i said we had not been invited. I heard her tell that person that i knew about her bbq and had said i hadnt been invited (no one knew i heard) later she then invited me. Hope you can understand what im saying - seems a bit muddled! question is did she just invite me cos she knew i knew about it or was she going to invite me anyway? i feel really awkward about going, so much so i dont if i will - would you go?? I would love to cos a big group of friends i dont manage to catch up with often nowadays will be there.

[4getmenot]

but dont you think that the person that invited you feels a bit bad and even worse that you arent going for that person you are going because other people will be there that you know. I had a party other week and my friend asked if he mate could go, I know her but hadnt invited her because she does my head in and I knew she only wanted to come because her friends were there and she had nothing else to do. I also didnt understand why someone would want to go to a party that they hadnt been invited to in the first place.

[Jillius]

I know exactly what you mean. I would feel hurt that she hadn't invited me in the first place but she obviously still wants you there if she has asked you. She was maybe going to ask you anyway. If she didn't know you were listening then she could have said nothing and that would have hurt your feelings but if I was you I would go and enjoy it.

[~Wingnut~]

Hmmm as I read it it seems awkward from all sides. I think it was a bit off your friend telling this other person that you knew you hadn't been invited, she could have just said "Oh has BusyBee been invited to your BBQ? Would be a good laugh if she was there too as we don;t often get together like this" or something along them lines.
I would say this woman has felt she has had to invite you but not knowing this woman I don't know if she felt she should out of embaressment or if she thought "hey yeah why not invite Busy bee, I feel silly for not asking her in first place"

Anyway to cut this short lol as you have already said you would love to go to be with your friends you don't see often like this then you have answered your own question. Go along, take a bottle and don't have hard feelings as she didn't have to invite you even though she knew you knew about it :o)

[know-ledge]

that's it with eavesdropping isn't it?
she obviously invited you because you found out about it!

[Octavius]

I don�t really understand the issue, or at least why you would have such a dilemma. You are making a vast assumption that she was only inviting you because you �found out� about it and she felt guilty for either forgetting or omitting you from the invitation, or that she didn�t want you to go and therefore didn�t ask you originally. (Is this a woman thing??)

If you are so �upset� by this, and are convinced that the omission was die to malice then simply decline the invitation.

If it was me, I�d go regardless. Providing the weather was nice of course.

[Jillius]

It reminds me of something that happened to me years ago and I will always be upset by it. Me and my step sister were going to go out for a drink and then at the last minute she said she felt ill and couldn't go. A couple of hours later I took the dog for a walk and happened to glance into the pub where she, her hubby, more friends and MY parents and sister in law were all having a slap up meal. I think I was about the only person who wasn't invited. I burst into tears at the cruelty of it and will never forget it.
When I mentioned it to my mum she said she didn't invite me cos I was on a diet. Pathetic excuse.

[~Wingnut~]

OMG Jillius, thats awful! I'm not surprised you felt so hurt, I would have been too.

[funnygirl]

Oh Jillius, knowing my jealous nature, those people would be dead!!!

I hate things like this, it has happened to me long long time ago when I was single, a saturday night and was supposed to be going out with my mates. Oddly they all said they were not going out that night, staying in etc. So later that night, feeling lonely I went round to one of their homes. My mate's mum opened the door and said,
"Hallo luvey, they've all gone out, did you not feel like going?"
I did not speak to them for a while!!!

[Im a BusyBee]

im glad some of you can see where im coming from! and jillius that is a real bad experience - with family rather than friends too. I seem to have got softer as ive older, a few years ago this would not have bothered me. ive got couple of weeks to think about it see how i feel nearer the time i think.

[Jillius]

I still haven't forgiven them. My mum still favours my step sister over me and they still go for meals without me.
There's nowt I can do about it but I could still cry thinking about it.

[Hellyon]

Aw Jillius come out to dinner with me!
I had something similar happen recently, went out for a meal with my sister in law when we got there EVERY single girl/woman from my office was already there celebrating one of the girls birthday. The woman who had organised it is a bit of a cow and it was obvious my exclusion was deliberate because several of them had apparently commented on my absence already and she had told them I hadn't wanted to go out that night ,the woman looked really sheepish, but it was still very hurtful.

[Hellyon]

Sorry I forgot to answer the question Busy Bee - I think I would ring up the lady in question and say look 'I realise you were put in a difficult position by this other woman and I just want to check if it really is OK if I come to your barbecue, I quite understand if you don't want me there' she will of course say 'No please I do want you to come' and you'll feel better about going!!

[DungeonJayne]

Go

[obNOXious]

I'm probably going to look like a big bad wolf here, and I'm not an totally unfeeling man, but really it doesn't matter... she's not going to care or mind if you go or not, and whether you do or not is really not important in the big scheme of things. If I were you I'd go and be very nice to the woman concerned, have a nice time and don't feel bad... she was likely going to invite you anyway, and try not to let such small things worry you so deeply, just enjoy life, you don't get another crack at it.

[Octavius]

Of course she may say, Oh thank God you feel alright about me not wanting you anywhere near my house, so glad you can�t come, nevermind eh, byeee!

[Hellyon]

True, but at least you'd know!!

[Octavius]

That was my original point though Helly, I think IABB already assumes this is the case. Why do people always look at the negative as a certainty and the positive as unlikely?

[DungeonJayne]

You can't invite every single person, every single time, to every single thing.

You've said that the people invited to this barbecue are not your regular circle of friends, so you shouldn't be hurt that you weren't originally invited.

But then the hostess is told that you'd quite like to come, and thinks "Hey, that would be great", and invites you along.

If you snub her invitation (remember, she already knows that you don't have anything else on), it will seem a bit hurtful.

Of course you must go.

But contact the hostess a few days before the barbecue, and say ... "Thanks for inviting me, I'm really looking forward to it, can I bring anything, like a pudding or a salad or something, or shall I just bring some wine?"

[Im a BusyBee]

yes after reading all your replies i think i will go. I did offer to take something, so i will go. Although they are not our current circle of friends, in the past we were definately always included - in fact it was me that got them altogether in the first place some of us go back 20 yrs now. We always seem to be busy with other things, but catch up with them whenever there is opportunity. I would dearly love to have every1 round to ours but we are doing up the downstairs of our house and i cant do it until its finished.

[lankeela]

If she wanted you to go you would have been invited. ******** if I would go where I was not wanted. Tell her you would love to have come, but you can't because you have got some old copies of the Sporting Life you have been meaning to look through.