Fed Up

[loubeelou]

I just want to know what other people think of this. I have been with my boyfriend for a year, I have a child from a previous relationship and my own house. My boyfriend lives with his parents and has never has a place of his own, his parents treat him like a baby (ie, he has never had to pay rent) and in my eyes are doing him no favours. I work all week and have the other usual jobs to do as well, ie, housework, washing, cooking, diy to do as well as maintaining the garden, most of the time I am exhausted. My boyfriend knows how I feel, but does not seem to appreciate all what I have to do, he sometimes offers to help, but I still end up doing it all...my weekdays consist of working and the weekends I have many jobs to catch up on and feel as though im never getting a break, my boyfriend has a hobby which takes up a lot of his time and this morning he was like, do you mind if I shoot off now as ive got a lot to do (his hobby) he also said how he would be going out for a drink later this evening and would be round a bit later than usual....I just feel like im left with everything, why he goes out and does as he pleases, he never offeres to contribute towards the running of the house, even though he is here most of the time, and im feeling like a mug, i know his lack of experience is contributing to this, but it just feels like it is never going to change, he has a very good job and all his money is his, I dont earn a lot and all my money is juggled on bills etc, he has no idea of the cost of living, as his parents pay for everything, im not saying I want his money, but he never offers to help...last night he was talking about christmas and how he was looking forward to his xmas dinner, from that i took it, he was going to have it with his family, and not spend the day with me, im just feeling fed up with it all and unappreciated

[raysparx1]

He seriously needs a kick up the jacksie, why should he change? you are all spoiling him, do something about it, tell him how you feel or accept the way he is, because until you or somebody else puts him straight on how the world works why should he change, maybe you should let him read this question you have posted, it might wake him up.

Good luck, it will take time. Ray

[lil123]

Maybe you need to spell things out to him and give him ultimatum.
I had a boyfriend like this but he took the mess out of me financially too. I was paying for everything while he just wasted his money.
I ended it in the end as I had had enough.

[mumof3angels]

It sounds like he's having his cake and eating it. If you never tell him how fed up with it you are then why would he change. He's got a comfy home with his parents who never make him do anything and a life of riley when he comes over to your's as well. Why would he want anything to change. Unless you spell it out to him he'll always be like it. Why don't you ring a few mates and go out with them tonight so you're not there when he turns up. Good luck! mumof3x

[brenda]

Fed up-- no wonder you are and exhausted as well.

You need to think about this relationship very seriously.

At the moment you are allowing yourself to be a housekeeper and cleaner to a very selfish man.

You say his parents have spoiled him , but you are doing exactly the same.

My advice would be to get rid of the selfish g*t, as soon as.

Where's your pride , dignity and self esteem?

You are worth so much more than this, so go for it,at the moment you are a door-mat.

Sincere good luck.

[ddaisy992]

i can understand why your fed up! Lots of good advice on here. Have a talk with him, hes treating you badly but may not realize it - some men can be blind as too how ther other half is feeling. Seems too me that he has two 'mum's!

[happyone2]

Whilst i agree with what people are writing - i really think there is an argument to say that men are only as bad as they are because we allow them to be.

I wonder if you there are 2 issues

YOURS

do you feel you have to "be seen to cope"

and yes you are coping, you are brilliant

but i wonder if u might aslo feel some resentment

"what about me" .

You do deserve help, but do you ask for it i wonder?? you say, he helps but you end up doing it - are you at risk of thinking that no one can do it as quickly or as well as you ??

do you give the impression that you always cope and in fact dont like other people to interfere ?? do you love him ??

HIS

He may be immature, he may be self focused ( i dont like selfish ) and not realise that you need his help and support. Perhaps you could teach him how to help you.

Perhaps you could suggest that he pay towards your additional costs ( realistically decide how much more does it cost to have him with you - how much would you save if he wasnt there )

I wonder if he might think that it is your house, your family and he is a visitor - he may want to be more involved but doesnt think this is what you want................................ unless he has that level of involvement with you i ask why should he pay towards all your costs, you arent in a partnership - im assuming you dont do his washingetc ?

do you need to sit down with him and ask him to move in and then split the costs , or ask him to pay towards the costs that occur because of him staying, or ask him not to stay as much and reduce your costs that way ???

I could keep going but i hope you see my point !!

[bms]

It looks like he is visiting you (not staying with you), if so, treat him like a visitor, why are you blaming his parents?
They are doing the thing that they think its right for their son, then who are you to change that?
They want him to spoil himself with his money, that's why they doing everything for him. his gonna take responsibility once he is married or having got a child thats when he will be a father
I think you should employ someone to help you with house work and all the staff.

Your complaints would be fine IF HE IS STAYING WITH YOU (suitable as a husband).

[loubeelou]

Thankyou for all your replies, I have taken everything on board, I agree that why should he change anything when he has it all, The thing that got me the most is we went out a few weeks ago for a meal (his suggestion) and when we got there, he asked me if I would mind paying half as he didnt have a lot of money left...now this normally wouldnt bother me, but considering I am buying extra food for him, he baths at mine and I wash some of his clothes, i just thought it was a horrible thing to say, considering I never ask him for a penny, I would give him my last pound...needless to say I didnt pay the half, but I also didnt tell him why I was so angry about it, I felt like I would be a penny pincher, but at the same time, I wont be taken for a ride! I dont think anything he does is intentional, he just doesnt think....he is quite self absorbed, and I have pointed this out to him.....

To the last reply above this one.....I am not trying to change what his parents do for him, I just think for a man in his 30's he hasnt got a clue, and its not right....I wonder, will he ever cope in the real world? Also how can I treat him like a visitor when he is always here??? He stays everynight! He was hinting a few months back about moving in, and I was reluctant at first, after thinking about it for a good few months I decided that yes I would like to take it a step further and make some sort of commitment, so we spoke about it and he sounded really happy and said it was what he wanted....a few months later, nothing has been mentioned??? I told him he confuses me and told him why (about the moving in) he told me he was frightened as he has never done it before....I just dont know, I really dont.

Thankyou all once again

[Aristolev]

Hi loubeelou

Whilst going through some older questions I came across this one. How did things pan out? Did you both sit down and discuss all the issues you mentioned? The reason I ask is that I was in an almost identical situation myself a while ago in a previous relationship, with me acting just as immaturely as your boyfriend has been!

We had lots of really good times together and I still have all the great memories of places we visited, her daughter growing up, the holidays we had and the fun times we spent together. I acted very similar to your boyf and this ultimately destroyed the relationship. As one of the other responses said, I did feel a bit of an 'outsider' at the time, as it was their house and I also felt financially I wouldn't be able to treat them as they deserved as I didn't have a fantastic job.

Anyway, to get back to what I was going to say, give your boyf a kick up the arse... and an ultimatum stating the consequences! He may just be oblivious to the pain and upset he's causing you!! I know I wasn't aware at the time and by the time I was, it was too late.

Hope things work out for you.