Annoyed at my mum . . .she's got a new bf and he's taking over . . .

[MissCommando]

My mum was seeing a guy for a while and they've recently become an official item. I've never met him but my sister and brother have as they live with my mum. I am going to stay with my mum this weekend (we live an hour and a half away) and I don't get to see her very much.
Anyway, I am really annoyed as it's her birthday Fri, so her new chap will be coming round that evening (fair enough, I thought) but then she said she thought it would be nice if we could all go out for a meal on the Sat night. I told her that I wasn't happy about that as I don't see her much and I'm coming down to see her and not him. It's not like they're living together (yet!) Also, surely he realises that I want to spend time with my mum!
I was on the phone to her the other night and he rang her mobile so she said "I'm just on the phone to my daughter" and he apparently said "And?" and was annoyed as he wanted to speak to her!!! My sister said he is very touchy feely and doesn't stop staring at my mum, rubbing her back etc and it makes her feel uncomfortable. She said he also just opens the front door and lets himself in!!
Oh and my sister is pregnant, she's only 18 and my mum was planning on finding another house to rent in the same town as her but since she's got her bf, he wants to move to another town. It's almost as though he wants my mum to himself and she seems completely obsessed with him.
My mum has been on her own a long time (my dad died when she was 33) so I do want her to be happy but I feel so annoyed about it all. Am I being unreasonable? I've also told my mum that I don't want to see him all over her and she said she can't tell him not to hug her etc but I don't think you should be like that in front of your partner's children!

[joeluke]

Your mam has a life too so let her live it........you say you only live an hour and a half away from her so if you were that bothered you'd make an effort to see her more often

[Greedyfly]

I would just go out with them both. After all he is who she chooses to be with.

[MissCommando]

I wish I could see her more often but we both work shifts and my husband can't drive that far anymore. If I knew he was going to be there on the Fri and Sat night, I wouldn't have bothered booking train tickets to see her. I'm dreading it now and my daughter is really shy with people she doesn't know. Yes, I'm aware my mum has her own life but she's really rushing into this relationship, they're thinking of moving in together soon and they've only been an official couple for a week lol.

[ilsonchick]

Your mum has probably suggested that you all go out for a meal so that you can meet him, see her glowing and happy and that alone should make you happy. Just try for the sake of your mum, she is obviously happy and also new relationships their both going to be touchy feely thats how it works? Surely you want to see him kissing her and hugging her not being horrid to her? I can understand it will be hard if your dad has died, seeing your mum with a new love in her life but just see how it goes, see what hes like, then arrange for a weekend after or something to have a girlie day shopping with your mum

[bednobs]

i think you are being a little unreasonable :) sorry.
i don't really know how you dare to ask your mum to tell him how to behave with her in front of you really.
As to letting himself in - clearly your mum has agreed to this by giving him a key, and as it's her house she should be able to say who comes and goes don't you think?
if she wants to move to a new town, again that is up to her, and despite the fact your sister is preggers, she should be sorting her own accommodation like the adult she clearly is if she is not happy with the current arrangements/future plans. Are you taking your partner/daughter with you or going alone? If taking them with you, it seems a bit unfair to me that you can bring extra people and he can't :)

[xstitcher]

I can completely understand where you are coming from and don't find your feelings the least bit unreasonable. My husband and I have his and hers children and both of us give the other alone time with them and we enjoy a wonderful mixed family life when we are all together.
There doesn't seem to be much you can do about it this time apart from leaving on Sat which might be tricky but you could maybe tell your mum that the next time it would be nice for the both of you to have just mum and daughter time.
I also agree that the new bf seems to be very insensitive and rude to the point of controlling.
I wish you luck and hope it will all work out.

[Mamyalynne]

MissC it's a hard lesson we all have to learn, that our parents are people as well as our Mum or Dad. My Mother was widowed early and I idolised my father, so after quite a few years when she began 'walking out' with a gentleman, I became a petulant stroppy kid (despite being in my 30's by then). It was some time before I realised she was having her hair done and taking care of what she wore and I saw he re-emerge from the lonely state she had been in.
At that point I grew up and realised that it was better to see her happy than hold resentment in my heart.

Try to do the same and you will grow into a more rounded person.

Mamya

[MissCommando]

Basically he doesn't like the town they live in (he lives there too) but he wants to move to another town. My mum has always said that she doesn't want to move to another town as she wanted to be close to my sister plus I don't understand why she is moving away from her work. Yes my sister is an adult and will cope but it's all a bit strange.
Also, he doesn't have a key to my mum's, he goes round every night and just opens the door. What if my brother or sister were in a towel or whatever?
Yes, I'm going with my husband and daughter. I'm not really fussed on meeting her boyfriend of one week and I wanted to make the most of seeing her alone before she moves in with him.

[ilsonchick]

why dont you arrange to stay in a hotel/spa for a weekend with you mum for the proper alone quality time you want with her before she moves? I know your not happy but you really should support her decisions. My mum got with another man after my dad left 6 months after, he would stay over, come out with us and it was truely great! 7 years on their married and we all live together and to see my mum so happy is just fab! Like i said earlier on give it a chance, go on Saturday to the meal, get to know him! He might be totally lovely you will never know!

[MissCommando]

Thanks stitcher, it's really stressing me out to be honest. Like I said, I do want my mum to be happy - I'm not an ogre! I'm not impressed about the phone comment and I do think he sounds like he's controlling. My mum completely understands that I want to spend time with her and she wishes she hadn't said anything about the Sat.
Also, my sister said the way he is with her, is OTT. I've not seen how he is but it made my sis feel uncomfortable but he won't act that way with my mum in front of my brother. I think he prob quite likes it that he's caused my sister and mum to fall out about it over the weekend. I think she's really rushing into things but my mum has and always will be the type of person who does now, thinks later :(

[ilsonchick]

If shes rushing into things and he is controlling then your mum being the mature adult she is will find this out for herself and sort it out for herself...if your sister feels uncomfy she should leave the room? Its a new relationship their going to be all over each other! I leave the room if my mums kissing her partner...i wouldnt sit there but at the same time i would moan about it because its her home, her rules, her life!

[rowanwitch]

just stay close enough to help pick up the pieces if it all ends in tears

[MissCommando]

Thanks for your comments.
Also, most summer holidays, I'll go with my daughter and stay at my mum's for a week. I don't always have to have my husband with me. If we do go out shopping or wherever, my husband always gives us time on our own - he's brill.
I think I will arrange something with my mum and sis. She's so upset at the moment and I wish I lived closer to her.
I think my mum is frightened to say no to him about anything as she's frightened she'll lose him. Also, he's told my mum that he wants to ask her a question within 6 months . . . !!!

[27082002]

Your Mum is better on her own and living separate from her boyfriend. You are right they do take over. Get on with your own life I am sure she will find him out herself. Men like this are insecure once he has his feet under the table he will call the shots. Just let her get on with it and she will learn the hard way. Some women have got to have a man no matter what. Then they find themselves with nothing but a house pet.

[ummmm]

You are sounding like a spoilt brat....

Leave your Mum alone and let her be happy....jeez..!!!

[boxtops]

I'm afraid I agree with umm and others in similar vein, Your mum is an adult lady and has a right to happiness, whether or not you agree with it. You have your own life. I think the idea of all going out together for a meal is brilliant, why should you hog your mum on her birthday when she wants to be with all the people who are important to her, too? You can't make her live her life the way you want it - if she makes a mistake, she's a grown woman, she'll deal with it.

[hc4361]

This is your mother's birthday weekend, not yours. Your mother's house, too.
Bite your tongue and make the most of it.

[ummmm]

Yes boxy....at the moment it's HIM making her happy.

It doesn't change...meet someone in your teens, 20's, 30's, 40's....it still feels the same.

Novelty wears off eventually and people start mixing more instead of just being into each other....

My 14 year old is more understanding..!!

[weekendwanda]

Yes you are being unreasonable. Grow up!

[karenmac60]

When I read this I thought it was from a teenager. I can't believe you are a grown woman and you are behaving in this way. How would you feel if your mum didn't like your partner, thought you were better off being on your own so you'd be free to keep her company/do her favours when she needed it etc and spat the dummy about spending time with 'him'? You'd be outraged that your mum was interfering in your life, that you were entitled to see who you wanted, that you weren't just there for her, you have your own life and that's it's none of her business. Well same goes for your mum. She's an adult and can make her own choices. You're put out cos she won't be there to run about after you and your sister anymore and you're dressing it up as concern for her - whilst being patronising and insinuating that she can't be trusted to make her own judgements about people. If you were my daughter you'd get a cuff round the ear for your cheek!