Music33 mins ago
Sensitive Dilemma
I have been helping someone online with some ancestry dna. She was trying to find her partner's father and her son's grandfather. I've done all the research (and it is pretty well backed up) and I have narrowed down the likely father to two individuals (brothers). Unfortunately, both of these individuals were married at the time and still are.
I cannot just blank her. On the one hand, her partner and child would like to know who their father/grandfather is, on the other hand, it could destroy the marriage/family of the father if a previously unknown child appears! I have asked that no approach is made for now, since apart from anything a further DNA test is needed to ascertain which of the two is the father and I am in touch with a son of one of them. I have to consider how to deal with that one too!
Any ideas? Apart from faking my own death?
Answers
No best answer has yet been selected by Barmaid. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.
For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.Without going into a long and boring story, I'd already (unwittingly) narrowed it down to a particular branch of the family which I had disclosed to her. It might be that she does not work this out - although the questions she has asked me makes me think she might have done. I've managed to divert attention elsewhere for now.
I shall discuss with my mother tomorrow since it concerns two of her cousins. Either way, I'm going to be in a tricky position!!
No, unfortunately. From the amount of DNA and shared matches, I could identify the most recent common ancestor. Thereafter, because of my intimate knowledge of the family and DNA shared with other matches, and the fact that the other children were female (and hence unable to father children) my conclusions are inescapable.
I was born at the end of the war and adopted, so it doesn't take much thinking to guess at my parentage. I always knew I was adopted and there is a curiosity about my parents but I feel that the risk of breaking up one or two marriages is not a good reason to satisfy my curiosity. I would certainly not take your research any further.
If you tell her of the two possible fathers – then surely it would be her/her partner’s decision as to whether they want to take it further (and not your responsibility).
Personally if I was advised that my father (unknown to me) had fathered me while they were married (and still in that marriage) I would not want to do anything that might jeopardise that marriage.