Son dilema

[cris r]

i can not sleep as i have a problem going round and round in my head.
My son his pregnant wife and our grandson live five hours drive away we dont get to see them as often as we would like but we do see them every eight weeks or so. My husband had been ill with depression after christmas he lost his job and felt very low he went down to visit in jan I went for a visit in april.
Since losing his job my husband has been fretting about money we have a fair amount put away for retirement but he still worries. I suppose he has always been this way and our sons rib him about this saying you can not take it with you ect ect.
Anyway my son phoned me three weeks go to ask if I could come down in june for a week to help with our grandchild as he is away on a course ( he is in the RAF ) and his wife is finding it hard to cope as she is due her second child at the end of June. He said he would pay for the train fare and if i needed to put the dogs in kennels he would take care of that. I told him as his father was not working it woud not be a problem that he would take care of them..
I managed to get the time of work no problem I took it out of my holiday quoter.
Then my husband found a new job which he starts tomorrow but it is an hour and a halfs drive away. I would not leave my dogs all day on there own
so I text my son to say that i would have to put them in the kennels and all hell broke loose. ( I have never experienced a text war )
He has text me this evening saying that dad should pay for the kennels and train fare as it is a family emergency. I told him I will pay for the train which is 150.00 if he will contribute for the dogs. I reminded him that he did offer in the first place and now I feel like a complete heel and it has totally upset me. This is not the first time. I did it last year when they had an emergency and my husband footed the bill then. We are suppose to be going down this weekend anyway for a visit and now I dont know if this is on. I would have phoned him but I was so upset ( crying ) and my husband would have heard the conversation which would have caused world war three. His text were awfull it was like emotional black mail saying we always talk about the money side of things when it comes down to visiting. But it is true it always cost about three hundred pounds as we have to put two dogs in kennels as well but he says we should not even consider that as it is our grandchild we are visiting.
I sent a last text telling him I we would pay it all and did he still want me to come down and help he sent a text back saying " In question" dont even know what that means. Could I have handled this differently any suggestions.
I am the the type of person who would fall over backwards to help anyone so this is why I am so up set x

[baza]

because you are concerned about keeping the peace, children no matter how old will try to use emotional backmail. Ask what he wants, tell him what you can afford, and also tell him that *in question* is not an answer.

[JB]

Firstly, it's not an emergency - he asked you weeks ago if you would help his wife during his absence. You were doing them a favour - please don't let yourself get upset over it! You really need to point out to him that what is really 'in question' is whether or not you will be doing him that favour - and paying for the privilege! Bloody cheek is putting it mildly!

[gness]

Cris. I do feel for you. It`s going to be difficult for anyone to say what you should do but you ask could you have handled it differently. Well, yes you could but not in a way that would please your son. You have taken part of your holiday and offered to meet the cost of helping them. He should have kept to his original offer with gratitude that you are helping. Your husband will need your support starting a new job. This will pull you all ways.
What would I do? No texts. It`s too important for that. I would phone and agree to the original arrangements with no room for discussion. Take it or leave it. If he baulks have the time you have booked off to please and treat yourself.
Do they visit you?

[ELVIS68]

You, your husband and your dogs are your main concern.

Your son is out of order relying on you like this, stand your ground and tell him

[woofgang]

Your son is a big boy now. Tell him to grow up and act like one. What you do with your money is not his business.

[cris r]

thanks so much for the support this has set me off crying again have not slept all night look a complete mess going to work. I really thought it was all our fault that was how he has made me feel. But I dont want him to use our grandchild as a bargaining tool it just makes it worse. he has now text to say not to bother coming down as they have managed to get him extra days in nursery and her dad will try and help out in the evenings. I would not mind but all her family live within half an hours drive but her mother has her sister over from oz and feels she can not spare the time and her sister does not do babies so cross think this is why I feel so upset. thanks again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[RATTER15]

I would now tell him that you will do nothing without an apology and if he wants you to help out then he should foot the bill, all of it!

[brenda]

Sorry to read that you have been so upset, and hope that things have settled down a bit now.Unfortunately children are often quite manipulative and selfish in the demands they make on their parents. In the future may I suggest that you set the rules..-----if you want to pay for things like visits do so , but never feel that you have to do so as a right for him. Your son is an adult and should be able by this time to understand the way to treat his parents is not just as a cash machine. He know which buttons to press to cause you upset and emotional blackmail, like your grandchild is one of them. You may need to toughen up a bit with him in the future--- not easy to do --but possible. All the best.

[gness]

I agree with Brenda. He has controlled the whole situation and has probably left you feeling flat and certainly upset. He seems to have created a stronger position for himself when the next situation arises. "You didn`t help last time" and all the guilt people can try to land us with.
For me this would be something that needs to be discussed and sorted out during a calm and friendly period in the relationship with ground rules being set for the future.
Hope things settle and your husband is happy in his new job.

[bert_h]

It's an awful thing to have happened, but I don't think your son has been at all fair in taking it the way you describe. You and your husband are the older people, relatively set in your ways, and not so easily able to understand what makes other people 'tick' - especially not younger people. Whereas, your son and his wife are the younger energetic pair, and they should be flexible and adaptable in a weay that nobody can expect you to be. In short, it's up to them to understand you, and accommodate exactly what suits you; it's absolutely definitely NOT up to you to be so understanding with them and with what they think their own needs are. Best wishes.

[cris r]

Thanks again for the advice. Yes I do feel as though he is being manipulative and selfish but he will never see that. He is an officer in the RAF and im sure he is use to ordering people around. He is trying to make me feel bad and unfortunately... he has.. xxx

[gness]

Pull rank Cris. It`s what we Mums do. Take care and put yourself first.x

[Hopkirk]

Your husband has had a pretty hard time of it, and doesn't deserve this just when he is getting back on his feet.
Your son seems to have forgotten this in his selfishness.

Let him get on with it, and stay away from him for a while.

I would be very careful of being drawn into apologising to him, as it is him who is in the wrong. I would not discuss it until he offers an apology.

[tonyav]

Listen to Air Chief Marshall gness and pull rank cris.

[gness]

Ignore him cris. Mention uniform and he`s off! But remember, if you need to chat there is usually someone here to listen, even at night.x

[Zeuhl]

Cris

you need to be absolutely clear on what your core principles are

and your son needs to be equally precise about what, if any, issues he has with them.

Based on your description, perhaps you should make the two core aspects totally clear to your son:

1. You would love to see your grandchild and help your son and your dil out as much as you can - now and at any time.
2. He offered to pay for the train and the kenneling and you would like to take up that kind offer.

Perhaps your son could explain (without going off into sweeping generalisations) which parts of these he has an issue with.

[China Doll]

I think your son is out of order for making you feel bad. But then on the other side, if it was all set in his mind then that can be frustrating, especially if he's worried about his Mrs. Although it's not like you don't have very good reason. That said, my mum has a couple of dogs and it is incredibly irritating to listen to her fret continuoulsy if she comes to visit me or my sister up north about what she's going to do with them, and occasionally automatically assuming she can bring them and then getting pissy when I tell her she can't.

I can kind of see both sides here. I'd be frustrated if soemthing I thought was sorted that was giving me stress suddenly changed. That said you do have good reason. I think you've come to a reasonable compromise by saying you'll pay one thing if he helps with another, and you don't have much reason to feel bad. Could a neighbour maybe pop in on your dogs during the day actually? That might solve everything. Just leave him to calm down. He's probably just stressing and will see sense eventually, don't worry too much about it. But don't be taken for a mug either ;0)

[cris r]

Oh i am loveing all your replys and it makes sense to me> China doll no one ever wants to look after a GSD and a mad springer the GSD is a one person dog I have my mother and sister coming down for the weekend when we are away. ( all my family live an hours drive away ) They are such a bind at times but I love them to bits they are my companions when my husband is working. When we go on holiday it cost a fortune to kennel them both so it only adds when we then have to visit my son who lives so far away. My husband is a moaner drives me mad but he also has a heart of gold at times and would walk over hot coals for both our lads. I think my eldest is a lot like his father hot headed. I am torn between them my son thinks spending money is not an issue and has never been a saver my husband has always worked hard and saved we have never spent willy nilly but are not tight either. I think this issue may be deeper and his wife has a bit to do with it but I will not broach the subject as he may fly off the handle again it is his family after all. I will wait and see the out come from all this later on. My younger son will call me tonight as I phoned him in a right state last night he has been fantastic also an officer in the RAF but deals with things in a calmer manner xx

[suagrtits]

why cant her parents help out? would he talk to them like that?? probably not. At the end of the day he is a grown man, he CHOSE to have children so therefore he and his wife should deal with this situation themselves. Its not as you live around the corner and just pop round to help out when they need it. He needs to man up and show some respect!

[Nini74]

sorry, but your son is a bully, and an ungrateful one at that. Does your daughter in law know what he's been saying to you? You're the one offering to do the favour that he asked of you. Why don't they come up to you so you can help with your grandson at home - that way no problem with the dogs, your daughter in law gets company and help with your grandson, and you're there for your husband starting his new job. Personally I'd tell your son to grow up and pay a childminder for the week, but I know that you won't want to cause any more hurt or upset..... hope it resolves soon x