ChatterBank57 mins ago
Where Has The Purity Gone?
I've been a reader of this fine website for years and years, I recommend it to people every day...yet only now do I find I truly need someone to talk to.
My problem is about women...I'm 26 years old, male and to be brutally honest, I'm not happy. In fact I'm miserable. Recently it has dawned on me that you can work your entire life, you can persue a career, you can save up stacks of cash and posessions yet without someone to share it with...it's all worthless!
I've had a couple of girlfriends in my 26 years...yet as soon as they tell me that they are not a virgin, something changes in me because I AM a virgin.
It's a real mix of emotions...I mean, I could go out and have sex with women if I wanted, women who are game aren't exactly thin on the ground but that's not what I want.
I'm not religious but I do believe that to have sex with a partner who means the world to me is the only way! Not necessarily ONLY after marriage but when you are positive this person is for you. So many people give away their virginity so easily.
I have read topics about this on the answerbank before but it's not quite the same for me...it's not about wanting to control or own a woman...some guys say they are bothered about a partners sexual history to a point where their relationship is destroyed. I just could not go through life with someone, knowing deep down that they have had sex with someone else, it burns this imaginary image in your mind.
Women admit that when they lose their virginity, no matter who it is with, what the circumstances, they will always remember it. Do I want to go through life with a woman who will always remember her first sexual experience and it being without me? No...it would tear me apart!
Answers
No best answer has yet been selected by chaps. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.
For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.Maybe that person is here thinking the same thing as me, who knows? I don't even know why I am posting on this website aside from the fact that the people here are friendly and helpful.
Best of luck. xx
its in the past and we all have to lose it sometime, i know in a perfect ideal world we would like to think we were the only relationships our partners had ever had coz its not nice thinking they have been with someone else!
What would happen if you found a girl who was a virgin fell in love married, changed your feelings towards her and split up, which can and does happen? you'd not be a virgin then and you'd find someone else who you could love just as much! and i can tell you from experience i dont think twice about my first! only the one i'm with!
But I want to tell you that I go years without thinking of previous partners, and when I do it is rather like recalling a book I read long ago but has no significance in my life now.
I certainly don't dwell on the past, or fantasise about my ex loves.
You need to address your jealousy because if you let it, it will ruin your life.
Don't settle for a second best - wait for THE right person, but don't dismiss a possibility just because of her history.
Think of the relationships you have at the moment - you have family and friends who mean a lot to you. But each relationship is very different and unique - you are the same but you are different to each.
That is exactly how it is with exes. The lucky lady will have a totally different relationship with you, will show aspects of her personality that no one else has seen. It will be new and special, unique. The dynamics will not be the same at all.
But please give thought to your jealousy and insecurity.
Good luck.
You do seem a bit hung up on the virginity thing, both for yourself and/or your partner. It doesn't matter. I'd second (third?) what caz and ethel say; despite what you think, if you're in love with someone, you don't spend your time thinking of all your/their past partners, how good or not they were and whether they were virgins. If you're in love, there is only the one relationship - the one you're in.
And, if you keep thinking about this 'burning image', you're just going to lose the people you love. Or put them off ever knowing you in the first place.
There's a saying, one form of which is: 'there's a lid for every pot'. There is someone for you, they will be the most special person in your life and you'll probably wish you'd met them earlier. But life isn't like that; when you find them, be grateful you've found them, don't let worrying about the past, real or imagined, spoil what you have.
I remember my first time, it's true.
I was 19 and thought i was in love with the man in question. We married and were happy for a very short time.
I have neither happy nor sad memories of it to be honest!
Luckily, my subsequent partners have been more than happy to accept the fact i was not a virgin... for they a) are realists and b) LOVE me.
Don't stop living because of an 'ideal' you have... it is clearly making you unhappy!
(Personally i don't think it is ideal... imagine waiting for the right virgin to come along... get married... have sex... and then... urgh... what if it is vile...? What then...?)
For the sake of your eventual lifetime relationship I think you must have sex as soon as possible. My first time was with someone I ended up with long term and although I loved her, curiosity about what it would be like with someone else began to eat away at me and whilst its nothing to be proud of, I think thats natural for blokes so could affect you too.
I can also tell you that the woman in question was a lot older than me so certainly wasn't a virgin and I suffered all the jealousies you talk about really badly but now I honestly think its an inevitable feeling in first relationships but is an obsession that you grow out of once you've got an ex.
Bear in mind as well, that curiosity may not be just a bloke thing so maybe someone experienced will be less likely to stray themselves.
In short, I suggest you just get on and have a pleasurable sexual relationship now as it will be good emotional development.
It always amazes me how hung up men are on sex. Before we married, my husband wanted to know my 'list' and thought I was lying when I told him I could not remember the details of some of the experiences.
Of course I remember my first, but for a girl (at least for me and my friends) losing one's virginity was something one had to do before entering university - we were very adament about that - the actual experience of it was relatively unimportant. I had sex with my then boyfriend and afterwards told him I was not really interested in having anymore sex because it "was not that big of a deal" and I didn't want to run the risk of getting pregnant. I think I even made him wear double condems! So you see women may "always remember" their first time, but not necessarily romantically! More in an "oh my god how young and silly I was!" way which is always good for a laugh.
It is refreshing to hear someone who feels so romantically about sex, we are all so cynical and blase about it now. But it may be hard for you to find someone with the lack of experience you desire and you don't want to miss out on the potential soulmates that are out there!
I'm sorry if I am way off the mark and don't mean to cause any offence, I'm just trying to look at things with a fifferent point of view.
Either way, there is certainly plenty of good advice on offer here.
Thank you so much for all your replies...so much to think about!
I don't want to have to go through the rest of my life trying to supress bad thoughts, I'd so much rather there were no bad thoughts to supress. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and all that.
caz21 "I don't think twice about my first, only the one I'm with" I can't tell you how much that helps...if there's one thing that someone could have said to reassure me, that was it! Thank you!
I don't think I'm ever likely to find a virgin and if I did, the chances that we would also be mentally compatable is slim...maybe I should just go and lose my virginity easily like everybody else, give it away to someone who doesn't deserve it, maybe then I will feel worse towards myself rather than any potential partner.
Related Questions
Sorry, we can't find any related questions. Try using the search bar at the top of the page to search for some keywords, or choose a topic and submit your own question.