vent

[dannyday5821]

its funny isnt it? you think your around people who care or would atleast support you when you need it. well, sure people care...atleast i think they do...but anyways.

almost four months now ive had this f***ing stupid costochondritis. Even in the throws of it, i had a mum who wouldnt listen to me, who claims to be a nurse, who claims to help, instead she looks at me, in disbelief im struggling to be breath, even if it was through panic. Of course it was through panic. I felt like i was having a heart attack. But she didnt even look at me. She sat there playing a stupid match three in a row computer game. So i walk into a different room and learn to ride it out.

I learned that early. Mental pain and torture i can deal with. But when i feel like my own life is in question, when i bring up blood when i feel my chest cave in, when i cant take a breath of air in...i dunno, guess i just wanted someone to just say "look...you aint gonna die, just ride through it" ha. Thats a joke.

[dannyday5821]

I guess i feel kinda ****** off. I grew up quick, and i grew up so quick to some extent because of her. I was 13, 14, and discussing family issues like i was the husband. I was just a kid. I might have been abit mature for my age, but no kid should have to reassure their own mother that everythings gonna be okay. My dad shoulda done that. Instead, he claimed to care but then just went to sleep, because life and all the events around him stopped for him when it got to 2100 and that was his bedtime. Mum walked around pacing, my bitch sister kicking and screaming like a two year old. Mum losing it. so she turned to me. Throughout my entire teenage life i had to deal with all the family problems like i was a husband...

and then...when the only time i want a little support, someone to sit and listen to me, reassure me, hell maybe even feel sorry for me, the ONLY time i want it. I get shouted at. I get accused of "thinking up" symptoms. I get nothing but abuse. Even when im crying my eyes out in pain infront of her i dont even get a cuddle, or even a pat on my back, just like i gave her when I was a kid, as she cried in her bed asking if she was a good mother.

I had to deal with all my own problems when i grew up. I learned to deal with everything on my own. I learned not to talk about my problems. Yet the one time i feel im about to pass out and die all i want is someone TO LISTEN AND HELP.

[dannyday5821]

Instead what do i get? Instead of "i hope your feeling better cuz i heard you were feeling **** when you went to the doctors" instead - i get "you ******* put your feet up in the doctors?! OH GOD IM SO EMBARRASED?!" oh sorry. SORRY I THATS THE ONLY WAY I CAN ******* SIT TO MAKE MY CHEST FEEL BETTER. IM SO ******* SORRY IM ALIVE. Its almost like i could cut my throat wide open, and instead of "oh god quick call an ambulance" im more likley to get "******* hell ive just cleaned that carpet"

I got to A+E - i get a dad who would rather talk about the shift changes where he works, and a sister who turned up just cuz dad was there, who didnt even ask how i was, who then started going about the problems with her flat. And i sit there...when really why? I shoulda just walked out and left, accept the only thing to stop me was the pain. The only person who seemed genuinley concerned was the doctor, even though in the back of my mind i know thats part of her job. Yet i felt so much better just having someone there who just sat and listened, who looked at if she honestly wanted to help me. i found it strange...almost...perplexing...new? Its not that people have never helped me. but i dunno, maybe im so used to helping myself ive forgotten what human support is like...after all, its years since ive had a relationship. and technichally, they werent even proper relationships. I hold onto the thought they were because it makes me feel...oh i dunno. whatever.

ha. I shoulda known better. Look at me huh? here i am writting whatever to random website. Im 24, i live with my parents, i have like 2 friends who i get on with but only really see to get ****** with, i dont have a girlfriend. Id have hoped even my friends would be a bit more supportive. Instead its like they aint interested. I havent got a "get well soon" card....even though this is the FOURTH MONTH of this constant never ending ****. I get accused of ************, skiving, faking...why do i

[dannyday5821]

...bother?

no really...actually seriously really why do i bother? its not like theres any real reason to bother. does that sound depressed? funny. the doctors would agree wouldnt they. But i dont need pills. Ive thought this way since i was 16. I dont need life. life doesnt need me. theres nothing depressing about that. Its just logical, strutured truthful thinking. Taking pills would be like taking class A drugs. It doesnt solve anything. Talk to someone? ha. who? whos gonna listen to me? I wouldnt listen to me. I dont expect anyone else to. Im just...im just one human out of billions others.

Tortured i may be. But its nothing compared to what millions of others go through. So perhaps i should say..."**** me. what about them?"

funny isnt it? all this stemmed from a strange desire for some human comfort, for a cuddle, for a resassuring conversation that doesnt include shouting and aruging, for someone to just sit and listen, for someone to help... ha. i ask too much.

...and thats just sealed it all. The only text ive had for month and its from O2 telling me about stupid text msg costs. why do i even have a phone?

[bazzyman]

Oh, mate. That's sad.
Do you feel any better after telling us about it? Talk to us if that's what it takes. There are plenty here who will listen mate. Just give them the chance.
post your phone number, I'm sure many will text you.

[dannyday5821]

thats for the conern mate. I dunno...i just kinda...i just wanted someone to listen to me. I just wanted a way to vent, with a way someone could listen out of choice, not because they have to. Ya know abit like if i rang samaritans, theyd listen because when they pick up the phone, they dont really have a choice. for someone to consciouslly choose to read this, its the same as someone choosing to listen because they honestly want to.

I just wanted a way to make me feel...i dunno...its stupid...not wanted...maybe...maybe just feel a little cared about. I mean i know im cared about. But it seems like its there hiding, hiding amongst the atmosphere, hiding in amongst the unspoken of things. I dunno. Myabe i just need more reassurance than most. Maybe im more vunreable than i realised. and sometimes i feel like the only thing i really need...is a cuddle. and i know i know that sounds pathetic and sad doesnt it...but ya know something...its true...

[Dina73]

I would like to give you a cuddle Danny. where are you?

[Naomicorlett]

Sending a ((((( hug)))) My boy is going thro' depression and I hurt for him. Keep your chin up, things will improve.

[abbie1977]

I don't know if I can help with your problem, but I'm sending you a hug anyhow. ((((((((hug)))))))). Take care of yourself xx

[dannyday5821]

where am i? ya mean where in the UK?

[Dina73]

Yes Danny. Where are you mate? Do you want to meet? we can talk about things.
:-)

[Bobbisox]

good luck danny pet, take care,,,,
dina be careful darlin'..

[dannyday5821]

i live in a town called wakefield, up north near to leeds

[dannyday5821]

but dina bobbisox is right...you should be careful...i honestly appreciate you sayin youd like to meet but i wouldnt feel comfortable meeting someone from the net...i know youll mean well dont take it offensivley

[Beatrice35]

It is always darkest before dawn. No moment lasts forever so you will leave this dark period one day- hopefully soon. In this life we have three choices, as adults, to be either a Victim, an Abuser/Bully or a Survivor. The only real option is to be a Survivor. Many people through out history have endured all kinds of traumas yet have chosen to let that make them better individuals not bitter ones. Can hear that you are raw right now. Good to talk it through. If you need to phone up someone neutral then maybe try the Samaritans as they are there to listen to anyone who feels down or in need of a shoulder to cry on. Danny- you are important even if you do not feel like this + your life is important( you are unique + have a special part to play in this jigsaw of life) + one day you will see this for yourself. So please never give up. Your life has value. You have value. Take excellent care of your fine self. Rooting for you big time, Bea

[Dina73]

I know where it is on the map Danny, but it's too far for me to travel in one day.
Do you have any other relatives you can talk to? Uncles or Aunts, that sort of thing.

I'm sending lotsa love your way anyway Danny. Can you feel it?
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Bobbisox]

danny darlin' I'm not being awful telling dina to be careful, you need protection as well as everyone on here, I really feel for you, which mum wouldn't??

[dannyday5821]

awww ya know its funny...i know you all strangers but it still kinda makes me feel better...

unfortunatley as for relatives...ah its complecated...long story short, sister, uncle, sexual abuse, no longer talk to that side of family. and they all live in my area we no longer see or hear from them anymore. other side of family is all the way in London :( we hardly see them but mainly cuz their so far away...

i always find listening to music helps me feel a bit better...heres a youtube link to one of my favs that always good for when im feelin down...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z2BGWp1caM

[bensmum]

Hey danny I know what it feels like to be in a dark place. I can't do much in a practical sense, just send out a big ((((((hug)))))) and say you are not alone. There are genuine people on here who will listen to you and perhaps you will see that there are people who care even if we are strangers
xxx

[ummmm]

Have you tried explaining all that to your parents?