he took his own life

[Elaine62]

can you tell me why i keep having the same dream, the dream is that im looking for my darling partner who took his life 8 years ago, its bringing it all back to the events and the tears r with me all day every day

[andy hughes]

Hi Elaine

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. What you are experiencing is the grieving process.

We in western society are very bad with grief. Everyone crowds round for the few first few days,m weeks if you are lucky, but in about six weeks, it's assumed you are 'over it' and life carries on.

As you will know, and are in fact still experiencing, grief is not like that. It is a very very very long process, and your mind means you are still not ready to accept that your partner is gone from your life. Your dream is your mind's efforts to resolve what you intellectually know to be true, but emmotionally cannot yet accept.

You may benefit from counselling - have a word with your GP and see if you can get a referral. I am sure you will be thinking that he will think you should be 'over it' by now, and maybe you tell yourself this. It's not true, and you should not berate yourself for the conditioning we all get about death and grief.

You will get past this, but you need help and support while you do - hopefully you will find it.

In the mean time, talk to The Samaritans, they are experienced in this area, and you will find comfort in articulating your thoughts and feelings.

I really hope you are able to move on, but you need to know that your mind will move on when it's ready, not when some arbitrary cultural notion says you are 'over it'.

I will be thinking of you - come back if it helps, there are lot of people here who will offer you support.

[Sludge]

When I saw this my blood ran cold. Someone very close to me was killed in WW11, and for 40 years after I had similar dreams. It was so bad that I was known as a "screamer and shouter" and I have woken whole households, parts of hotels and on several occasions in strange places frightened people have tied the doorknob of the room to the staircase handrail. I tried hospitals and consultants to no avail. It ended very strangely for me. All of a fortnight I vividly dreamt the same thing, of walking and talking normally as we used to be, but being unable to touch. It was so real that its presence was there during the day and I thought about it as if it was real. I became exhausted. During the second weekend I literally passed out from tiredness and emotion, and when I came round much later it was with the total realisation that it was ended. But I do not like to think about it even now, that is why I felt a chill when I saw your post. I cannot offer you any advice, I'm afraid. All I can tell you is that many years ago a special unit (long since disbanded) was established at Roehampton to help WW11 people with this, and there were at least 60 patients when I was there. You are not alone, and if there is now a cure I do hope with all my heart that someone will come along to tell you what it is. 

[Sludge]

Since writing the above I find myself physically trembling at the thought of what you are going through.

[Peter Pedant]

I second Andy's advice, Elaine.

Death is so uncommon for us - compared to the Victorians that each one of us has so little experience.

Its time to seek help, and the first stop is your GP

[Elaine62]

As i read the answers to my article re. my man,i feel a lot of love and support. Even though i have never met any of you lovely people, i refer to Sludge, Peter Pendant and of couse Andy Hughes, i left you till last to say another thanks to you for inviting me back for a chat, it means so much to know there are still nice sincere people out there, so i will take up your offer, thats if you dont mind and maybe i can  offer you mye-mail adress that goes for u other guys too.i think i will sleep well 2nite a good cry can do u good god bless u all, ill b thinking of you all as i close my eyesxxxxxxxxx