Editor's Blog1 min ago
workmate finding out her husband has been having an affair with her best mate.
8 Answers
My workmate has found out that her husband has been cheating on her with her best mate for nearly a year.
she found out around a month ago and has been having the toughest of times since.
Having gone through the whole messy infidelity bombshell thing myself a couple of years ago it has brought it all back to me and how absolutely horrible it is.
she has been talking to me as i've been through it but also talking to all our other work colleagues as i think it has been helping her no end to share with us.
Her husband has been treating her really badly since she found out,he's been verbally nasty to her,he's not been honest about the affair,he's still seeing the other woman,he's shown no remorse and is almost making her feel like she is to blame for the whole thing.
Regardless of all this and the actual affair she has been very determined that she wanted to work things out although hearing about her husband's actions from an outside point of view the situation is screaming that she should walk away.
i'm finding it quite hard as her husband's coldness and lies is reminding me of exactly where i was two yrs ago. ..and i have to stop myself from giving any point blank views as i know it's down to her to decide that she is worth more than this. although i do try to put this point across diplomatically if I can.
why do people do this to each other. it seems her husband and her best friend started this affair just a month or two after she lost her mum when she needed their support the more than ever. :O(
would you handle this any differently?
i think after a month of letting it sink in and a handful of relate sessions where she gets to hear a little of the truth from her husband she is slowly coming to the conclusion that she has to walk away from her marriage and move out.
she found out around a month ago and has been having the toughest of times since.
Having gone through the whole messy infidelity bombshell thing myself a couple of years ago it has brought it all back to me and how absolutely horrible it is.
she has been talking to me as i've been through it but also talking to all our other work colleagues as i think it has been helping her no end to share with us.
Her husband has been treating her really badly since she found out,he's been verbally nasty to her,he's not been honest about the affair,he's still seeing the other woman,he's shown no remorse and is almost making her feel like she is to blame for the whole thing.
Regardless of all this and the actual affair she has been very determined that she wanted to work things out although hearing about her husband's actions from an outside point of view the situation is screaming that she should walk away.
i'm finding it quite hard as her husband's coldness and lies is reminding me of exactly where i was two yrs ago. ..and i have to stop myself from giving any point blank views as i know it's down to her to decide that she is worth more than this. although i do try to put this point across diplomatically if I can.
why do people do this to each other. it seems her husband and her best friend started this affair just a month or two after she lost her mum when she needed their support the more than ever. :O(
would you handle this any differently?
i think after a month of letting it sink in and a handful of relate sessions where she gets to hear a little of the truth from her husband she is slowly coming to the conclusion that she has to walk away from her marriage and move out.
Answers
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No ummm,no children. they met when she was in her mid thirties..she wanted children and he didn't so she gave up on having them. she owns 2 houses but lives in her husband's house which i don't think she has any claim to so even though she is the injured party she would have to move out. :O( which i think adds insult to injury but is really the best thing she could do.
Oh the usual cliches about how it just happened and she never meant to hurt her . what a load of rubbish.
I couldn't live with it either but she has been the last few weeks. They have still been living as husband and wife in the same bed etc. I don't think I could bear it.
When i found out about my partner's cheating he had actually moved out anyway for 'time to think' so I've never had to deal with that situation thankfully.i knew there were problems which i wanted us to sort out but as soon as i found out about his cheating that was relationship over for me!
I couldn't live with it either but she has been the last few weeks. They have still been living as husband and wife in the same bed etc. I don't think I could bear it.
When i found out about my partner's cheating he had actually moved out anyway for 'time to think' so I've never had to deal with that situation thankfully.i knew there were problems which i wanted us to sort out but as soon as i found out about his cheating that was relationship over for me!
I firmly believe that if the circumstances are there, even the strongest partnerships are vulnerable to this sort of situation.
Of course no-one means to hurt anyone, but that doesn't mean no-one gets hurt. if that were the case, anytime a car ran over a pedestrian, the pedestrian would be unharmed because the motorist is a stranger who meant them no harm.
Sadly, life is not that simple.
I know from counselling experience that people who are emotionally vulnerable fixate very easily on people who offer them support - they imagine a seriously strong sexual attraction, however unlikely and inappropriate it may be, and if the other individual acts on it, you have an affair up and running.
The husband blaming your workmate is again classic displacement - if he can make her the guilty party, it stops him from having to assume that role with al the guilt and pain attached.
It sounds like your friend will separate from her husband, and I aplaud you for supporting her, even though it is evoking some very unpleasant memories for you.
As you know, time lends a sense of distance, and it is possible to assimilate these exerpeinces into your life - which is not the same as 'getting over it'. Hopefully, with your personal experience to draw on, you can both move forward together.
Of course no-one means to hurt anyone, but that doesn't mean no-one gets hurt. if that were the case, anytime a car ran over a pedestrian, the pedestrian would be unharmed because the motorist is a stranger who meant them no harm.
Sadly, life is not that simple.
I know from counselling experience that people who are emotionally vulnerable fixate very easily on people who offer them support - they imagine a seriously strong sexual attraction, however unlikely and inappropriate it may be, and if the other individual acts on it, you have an affair up and running.
The husband blaming your workmate is again classic displacement - if he can make her the guilty party, it stops him from having to assume that role with al the guilt and pain attached.
It sounds like your friend will separate from her husband, and I aplaud you for supporting her, even though it is evoking some very unpleasant memories for you.
As you know, time lends a sense of distance, and it is possible to assimilate these exerpeinces into your life - which is not the same as 'getting over it'. Hopefully, with your personal experience to draw on, you can both move forward together.
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